The days are getting sunnier and warmer, flowers and trees are beginning to bloom and it really feels like spring. To me, it's hard to believe it's only February. Unthinkable, back in PA.
I've been getting into habit of analyzing my screwed up life, and only now I realized the newness of everything in my life... I mean, I left everything I knew behind, everything familiar. I have no family nearby at all. New place. New people all around. New state, new city, new places, churches, stores, new temp job... new activities.. I'm an organizer for now a 100 members photo club, I organize shoots with models and when we get together for a shoot, all the big, professional photogs look up to me as the 'head of the group'. I have a new guitar... I haven't played Martin in so long, I miss him.. I'm learning a new language. I'm lifting weights regularly and I'm working my abs with a program designed for men. I have CS6 now and a whole new way of editing pictures. I'm looking to market my photographs to publishers. I have ideas on how to use my photography for the Lord. All is new.
But the pain is still the same. Pain of rejection, pain of being unwanted, played with and tossed away, used, almost... emotionally raped. All this is wrecking havoc in me. And despite all this mess I'm in, the care and love is still there. How weird. That hasn't changed. How extremaly weird.
If I could only understand what happened. If I could only have an honest and open talk. If I could only tell my feelings. And give it a chance... That's all I ask.
But the newness of everything makes for new insecurities and new struggles too. I broke, flat on my face again, few days ago. Everyone got a piece of my mind, even -or especially God got a piece of my mind. I just couldn't handle things anymore... too much. Praising God He's merciful with me, and patient. So patient and loving. The things I said.. I don't believe them. Desperation pushed me, and something broke, and now, like a child I feel like I need to learn how to crawl again. Learn what is faith, how to trust, so basic and so refining.. God knows what I'm going through, He WILL send help in the right time, maybe I really need to burn myself out on this, totally let go and get scalded, and fall and hit rock bottom and break into tiny pieces... for Him to put me together the way He wants me to be. Because right now I can't let go, I care too much, I wish oh so much and hope, and pray and long, and...
In essence, I dislike my life. Actually, I pretty much hate it in its present state. Emotional state that is. Because in reality, I'm blessed beyond measure. It's just - in my brokenness - it's so hard to see it sometimes.
Monday, February 25, 2013
Tuesday, February 19, 2013
Feb 19 - ............
My temp job has ended a week and a half ago. I'm glad... and not. But Lord will have provision for me, I know that for sure. He has come through for me in the past, and He will do so again. So I do not worry about that.
But I do seek a new job, and praying earnestly that God will place me where I can be of use to His cause. I'm tired of jobs where I feel like I'm wasting time there, contributing nothing to helping people or spreading God's word. I feel there is no other true meaning to this life anymore, other than the higher purpose of life, which is sharing the good news of Jesus with others, helping them in their troubled lives and being ready for Christ's coming.
This life, my life has become so ugly I try not to think about it. From a very happy, somewhat sheltered life I went straight into one of the worst turmoils life can offer... with God's help I walked out of it, so foolishly hoping for happiness again, just to be bitterly dissapointed and hurt again... ah. Sometimes I do feel like I lost everything... my parents, my brother, my friends, my job I liked, all my posessions, my husband, and my Big Brother to boot. And that makes for rather battered existance right now. But I haven't lost hope. Not yet.
I long for the happy days when having a baked potatoe would so simply bring happiness into my heart. Seems like I did not appreciate enough what I had then, when parents were still here, when I wasn't lacking, when I was happy and ignorant of pain. Although I did appreciate it immensly. When things seemed so much simpler and easier... And that alone makes me think: should I appreciate this time as well? This time right now when I am provided with a roof over my head, soft bed, warm room and not lacking in food..? Will there be a time when I look back and miss my current situation? I am blessed to talk to my brother every now and then and he did say he noticed satan's attacks triple in strength and intensity in the last few months. And I must say, I agree with him; I see it all over. There are few people that I know where in Cali that are honestly and truly longing to follow Jesus and I see their lives turning into tangles of problems. I wish I could help them, but so often there is so much one can do. Or is allowed to do, despite the yearning heart.
Today seemed to cry with me, but sun came out finally and I can't help but think of the immense blessings I receive every day. I do make new friends, Sunday was joyfully spent at a farm and on trails taking pictures with a friend, and Monday I joyfully dug in friends' garden, seeking flower bulbs and playing with squirmy earth worms. Today I commenced my language studies, sadly neglected so much that I had to review even the alphabet itself. Martin's been missing me ever since my hand problems, but I pray for that God helps me with finding a good teacher. And tonight we'll have another Camera Training at Sacramento Central Church. I find such abandonment when I'm behind my camera taking pictures, or even more so behind the video camera, where nothing else matters but what you see in the screen. A different world I like to get lost in for a moment.
But I do seek a new job, and praying earnestly that God will place me where I can be of use to His cause. I'm tired of jobs where I feel like I'm wasting time there, contributing nothing to helping people or spreading God's word. I feel there is no other true meaning to this life anymore, other than the higher purpose of life, which is sharing the good news of Jesus with others, helping them in their troubled lives and being ready for Christ's coming.
This life, my life has become so ugly I try not to think about it. From a very happy, somewhat sheltered life I went straight into one of the worst turmoils life can offer... with God's help I walked out of it, so foolishly hoping for happiness again, just to be bitterly dissapointed and hurt again... ah. Sometimes I do feel like I lost everything... my parents, my brother, my friends, my job I liked, all my posessions, my husband, and my Big Brother to boot. And that makes for rather battered existance right now. But I haven't lost hope. Not yet.
I long for the happy days when having a baked potatoe would so simply bring happiness into my heart. Seems like I did not appreciate enough what I had then, when parents were still here, when I wasn't lacking, when I was happy and ignorant of pain. Although I did appreciate it immensly. When things seemed so much simpler and easier... And that alone makes me think: should I appreciate this time as well? This time right now when I am provided with a roof over my head, soft bed, warm room and not lacking in food..? Will there be a time when I look back and miss my current situation? I am blessed to talk to my brother every now and then and he did say he noticed satan's attacks triple in strength and intensity in the last few months. And I must say, I agree with him; I see it all over. There are few people that I know where in Cali that are honestly and truly longing to follow Jesus and I see their lives turning into tangles of problems. I wish I could help them, but so often there is so much one can do. Or is allowed to do, despite the yearning heart.
Today seemed to cry with me, but sun came out finally and I can't help but think of the immense blessings I receive every day. I do make new friends, Sunday was joyfully spent at a farm and on trails taking pictures with a friend, and Monday I joyfully dug in friends' garden, seeking flower bulbs and playing with squirmy earth worms. Today I commenced my language studies, sadly neglected so much that I had to review even the alphabet itself. Martin's been missing me ever since my hand problems, but I pray for that God helps me with finding a good teacher. And tonight we'll have another Camera Training at Sacramento Central Church. I find such abandonment when I'm behind my camera taking pictures, or even more so behind the video camera, where nothing else matters but what you see in the screen. A different world I like to get lost in for a moment.
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