The days are getting sunnier and warmer, flowers and trees are beginning to bloom and it really feels like spring. To me, it's hard to believe it's only February. Unthinkable, back in PA.
I've been getting into habit of analyzing my screwed up life, and only now I realized the newness of everything in my life... I mean, I left everything I knew behind, everything familiar. I have no family nearby at all. New place. New people all around. New state, new city, new places, churches, stores, new temp job... new activities.. I'm an organizer for now a 100 members photo club, I organize shoots with models and when we get together for a shoot, all the big, professional photogs look up to me as the 'head of the group'. I have a new guitar... I haven't played Martin in so long, I miss him.. I'm learning a new language. I'm lifting weights regularly and I'm working my abs with a program designed for men. I have CS6 now and a whole new way of editing pictures. I'm looking to market my photographs to publishers. I have ideas on how to use my photography for the Lord. All is new.
But the pain is still the same. Pain of rejection, pain of being unwanted, played with and tossed away, used, almost... emotionally raped. All this is wrecking havoc in me. And despite all this mess I'm in, the care and love is still there. How weird. That hasn't changed. How extremaly weird.
If I could only understand what happened. If I could only have an honest and open talk. If I could only tell my feelings. And give it a chance... That's all I ask.
But the newness of everything makes for new insecurities and new struggles too. I broke, flat on my face again, few days ago. Everyone got a piece of my mind, even -or especially God got a piece of my mind. I just couldn't handle things anymore... too much. Praising God He's merciful with me, and patient. So patient and loving. The things I said.. I don't believe them. Desperation pushed me, and something broke, and now, like a child I feel like I need to learn how to crawl again. Learn what is faith, how to trust, so basic and so refining.. God knows what I'm going through, He WILL send help in the right time, maybe I really need to burn myself out on this, totally let go and get scalded, and fall and hit rock bottom and break into tiny pieces... for Him to put me together the way He wants me to be. Because right now I can't let go, I care too much, I wish oh so much and hope, and pray and long, and...
In essence, I dislike my life. Actually, I pretty much hate it in its present state. Emotional state that is. Because in reality, I'm blessed beyond measure. It's just - in my brokenness - it's so hard to see it sometimes.
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