Jan 22 -he was selling and I bought it! :(

I get up only because I have to.  If it wasn't for my job, I'd be spending days in bed.  I still cry.. sometimes... sometimes a lot... mornings and evenings are the toughest... I try not to think.  I try to block any memory we ever shared.  I feel so used.  So played with.  Discarded like a broken toy...  Ugly, unwanted and rejected.  Again. 

Once again I long for understanding and I don't get it. 
He kept running away from talking, I pushed and hunted for him... until I snapped.  It meant so much to me to have it resolved, to understand why, but he was so flippant about it that it made me snap.  And I usually don't snap. 

Oh how it all hurts! All he said and wrote is written in my heart, word for word... I can call him on every word he said to me, every word he texted.... on his promise he made to me.  And he wouldn't release me of mine....  'effort, here I come..'  Bullshit. 


I thank God for Henry.  He's been a real friend, talking some sense into my crying heart, trying hard to make me see the reason... the sunshine.... and checking up on me every few days... I so appreciate that. 
I thank God for Nat.  She's always willing to listen and she's there for me... and is good at distracting me, too.
I thank God incredibly for Nancy, she labored with me for hours upon hours listening to my crying, analyzing with me, giving me hope and incredible support... So grateful!
I thank God for Daniela, who I'm sure knew what was coming, and even then she'd keep my hopes up, till the very death.  And for Linda and ed, who, very simply turns my eyes upon Jesus in every trouble.  And for Sherle and her whole family, who are desperately trying to adopt me, comfort me by having me over and giving me mounds of yummy apples and citruses...  And for many other beautiful people God put on my path...



And... what hurts the most is that... not that he said to me he's suddenly not ready for a serious relationship, but that he was selling one so well, for so long, months of believing, and praying, and hoping, and waiting.... for effing nothing!  He was selling it so perfectly and I bought it... I believed it with all of my heart and bought it with everything I had!

Jan 15

I would have lost heart, unless I had believed
That I would see the goodness of the Lord
In the land of the living.

Wait on the Lord;
Be of good courage,
And He shall strengthen your heart;
Wait, I say, on the Lord!

 

That's Psalm 27:13-14

 

It holds me up, it gives me strength to get up in the morning when all is black and meaningless...  God keeps me busy and He suceeds at keeping me distracted pretty well... but when I drive, when I'm home, or any time I'm alone.... I can't stop the waterfalls and aching sobs... I just can't... not yet...

 

 

This past weekend was pretty busy.  I'd say amazing if I wasn't broken... Spent all Sabbath at the Central Church, hanging out in the media room and watching pastor Doug's sermon on over 15 tv screens..  I wanted to stay for a health lecture that was gonna start at 2pm, but somehow I ended up talking to people, and they sort of... made me... (I'm really gooey right now, no resolution on my own whatsoever) stay for lunch, then for women's ministry meeting.  I had no clue what I was doing there, other than talking to some new faces... I was soo out of it... Then the health lecture prooved to be really basic and boring to me,so I scooted away for the Heritage Singers's concert in the main sanctuary but left after the 5th song... Sherle warned me that they'll be singing new 'worship' style melodies... she was right.  On my way out I was stopped by Sheela and Duayne and they pulled me in to chat and eventually walked me to my car over an hour later... Such lovely people!

 

And on Sunday I hosted my first me-organized photoshoot with models.  My brain wasn't working and somehow I thought it'll all get done by itself... so I left everything at the last minute.  I reality, sometimes I just don't care about anything, but at the last minute I got a reality check and realized I'm responsible and people are counting on me, heartbreake or not, I had to step up and was scrambling up frantically, getting the props ready, the release forms, packing the car, gettting roses, fake snow I made the night before, picking up Paige -one of the models... I almost didn't eat.  But the shoot was fun.  The theme 'it's so cold outside' lived up to its name, we shot till we couldn't feel our fingers anymore.  Then I went to Sacramento co op store to get some food... had nothing in my cupboard for a week.. didn't care.  I still don't care much, but I realize I have to live.... 

 

I don't remember what I did yesterday... I know I was very busy after work, had to go somewhere... oooh, photography lecture by Antonio Genovia that I signed up for in downtown sac.  Came home late and crashed. 

And today after work I had the video camera operator training at Sac Central Church.  The camera felt incredibly natural to me... wish I had more time to play with it.  Really enjoyed the experience, and even 'modeled' for the other students up on stage, so that they could learn their zooming and focus...  Gave them few challenges too.  And just came home. 

 

I can't listen to anything, it reminds me of all the past hurts, they're all put together now, everything reminds me of something and everything hurts.  And yet the bare silence almost seems to be splitting my brain in half... I long for a lovely 3 hours of curling up under a blankie and reading.. but I can't focus, I think and cry... Sometimes my brain goes blank and I just sit and stare... and do nothing.  And then I go to bed.  Sometimes I wish I didn't exist for a while...  It reminds me of when I was sick with RA and in pain all the time... only emotional pain seems a lot more painful now.  I'm feeling quite sick and exausted.  Tired of emotions, of feeling anything. 

 

I miss him so much!

 

Yesterday I gave in and had soy hot chocolate from starbucks.  I was texting Henry at that time and while in line, somebody grabs my arm.  Henry was standing in line right behind me!  I wanted to hug him, was so happy to see a friendly face, but I gave him a friendly punch.  Quite strong.  I seem to be doing a lot of things wrong lately... uncontrollably.  I was on break and couldn't talk for long, but we chatted some... Just thought it was an interesting incident... or.. providential meeting?  I dunno... I don't know anything these days... I just exist.  And I'm so tired.  Of life....

Jan 10 - A douchebag!!!!!!

Another man broke my heart... broke promises... broke his words.... broke a soul....  God will avenge him for playing with already broken heart, pretending to mend it and comfort it and then changing his mind on a whim of... don't even know what...  I'll find out.  I will know.  Or... God will heal him of his disfunction... because I still care... as a friend.  We're all God's children, disfunctioned one way or another...

But still! 

Such a DOUCHEBAG!

Life seems so empty now.. and so meaningless.  A shock.  Pain.  Tears.  I died but I'm still living.... Someone please tell me there is life after death...?  Laughter after crying? Trust after hurt? Day after night?


I praise God for a tiny little handful of true friends who are willing to listen to me, bear with me and offer shoulders to cry on... Another lesson in life, another hole to crawl out of... so much harder this time around.  Total surrender to God.  Because I have nothing left of me anymore. 

And God is sooo good... He allowed this to happen because He knew He gave me heart strong enough and hopefully I'll learn from this too...  But in the meanwhile, while waiting for healing to start, I'm done with men because they're all DOUCHEBAGS!

Jan 8

I just ordered two gallons of fake snow... with two day shipping, because I need it by Sunday for the photoshoot.  I hope I get it on time...  that, and my Russian Ushanka hat.  I've been forgetting to do that because I've been so distraught that I couldn't think of anything else...  But I came home and prayed and cried my heart out for hours and God showed mercy to me and gave me some clarity of mind and a fresh glimmer of hope.  Every day I give my life to God.  And I will not give up.  He will deliver!


I'm going to have a busy week.. meetings with my models for wardrobe overview and signing the release forms.... prepping up for my very first photoshoot with models, fully organized by me, I HAVE TO deliver my best to my photogs.  My group counts now over 80 members with new ones joining every few days... 

And I need to mention that God gave me two paid photography jobs already.  I went up an hour north of Redding to visit my dearest Nancy's family that just had a baby to give them a  newborn photoshoot... and they paid me!  I didn't ask for it, it was for my dearest friend, but they chose to pay me.  Incredibly grateful! And this past Sunday I had somebody contact me for a family photoshoot, sort of last minute thing before her in-laws go back to North Carolina, so we went to the Capital Park and took some Capital Pictures! She loves them, and she saw only three... I'm still editing both shoots, because I don't have that much time, and lately, when I get home all I do is cry and pray... more like wail.... but no matter, each time I look at Jesus, He gives me glimmers of Hope!


I haven't been very sane lately.... it gets so hard sometimes... but God is good.  He is truly GOOD!

Jan 8 - :( :( :(

It's going to be 3 months in California soon.  Today was in the 60s and it truly felt like spring was coming.  My reception job is going on second month there, I honestly don't know how long it'll last, and they don't tell me anything.  I'm pretty good at what I do, I can multitask like crazy, do phones, distribute mail, do orders, invoices, checks, balance money at the end of the day, set up appointments and reserve meetings, take in visitors and hunt down sales reps who forget to turn in their sales tags...  Now that I mastered it all, I feel like I need another challenge, another something. 


I"m going to admit it.  It's hard.  Extremaly hard.  And this year is harder than I ever imagined.  I was hoping the new year will be great, but it's horrible, and I feel like I'm in the same spot as I was last year... only this time around is worse: no family for support, no steady income, strange place with no seasoned friends, practically no belongings, nobody special to comfort me and offer heartfelt support.. but the heartache is the same, if not worse... yeah, it's worse.  I'm trying to see the beautiful people and the beautiful wonders of this world, and the amazing places that God put me in... but I can't seem to see much now...  all the little wonders, sometimes I do notice them... like that woodcutter I saw at the post office... or the woman with a bunny sitting outside of starbucks.... or all the pretty palm trees I pass everyday... 


Right now I am where I am.  I have no way of moving either way, I know God provided in miraculous ways for me to get here.  I know that! So I'm right where I'm supposed to be...   but why the heartaches????  Why the rejection?  Again? 

But I do need to live... haven't been eating anything, second day now... fasting, praying, holding onto the last glimmer of hope and faith, begging God for a miracle... I can only pray and see what happens, God wants us to expect great things from Him!        

Jan 4 - a recap

Welcome to the New Year 2013.  I took a break from writing but I'm back.  It's almost 3 months in California, lots has happened.  But sometimes I sit back and marvel, as still can't believe I'm here.  God has led me in most amazing way... And He provided and I know I'm in the right place.  Just.. in transition.  Don't know which way to go, which way to turn... some of it doesn't depend on me...

A recap:

1. God graciously gave me a temp job.  I don't know why there, I don't know why... I'm glad I have a job, it pays the bills and rent, but I'm also glad it's a temp.  In the midst of it all, I learned valuble lessons.  I learned meekness and humbleness... learned how to keep my mouth shut sometimes, even in moments of unjustice.  I learned how to multitask in an organized and cohesive way while keeping the stress at bay.  I became comfortable with handling crazily huge amounts of money... was never able to do that comfortably before.  And God taught me that hard work, effort and intergrity pays off.  At the same time, I don't belong there.  My uncle died an alcoholic.  My other uncle, my aunt and her family, my other aunt and cousins and few people on my dad's side too, they're all broken people with destroyed lives, all because of alcohol.  How, in all honesty can I....  But even Daniel had to work his best in the middle of Babylon.  And that gives me hope.  And God will lead onto the next step in life after this episode.  So much to learn still.

2. Been meeting some amazing people on my journey.  People with incredible stories... Some people just passed me by, some stayed for longer, and yet some came really close and began to care.  My family here is expanding, and there are still sooooo many people to meet!  Some families even try to adopt me, for which I'm beyond grateful! I love them all! And it's not like I try so hard to make connections, they just happen, it's like God is laying out the path for me to walk on, it's like the people just come to me and friend me... it's been amazing and oh how much I'd like to open my heart to them.  Few people got to know me beyond deep and I'm so glad I have someone's shoulder to cry on.... been doing that a lot lately. 

3. Photography has been an adventure.  I have started my own photography club here in Sacramento, with now over 80 members and my first themed photoshoot with models coming up soon.  Again, met some incredible photographers, beautiful models and it's only the beginning.  With a number of photography projects in sight...  Praying hard for my music now.. God gave me an AMAZING guitar, ah, the sound is beyond anything, so deep and sensual, utterly beautiful, but I need help; can't go any further on my own, so I've been praying for a guitar teacher.  The right one will happen according to God's will.  Though my fingers are still like butter -fingers, hahaha!

4. I have learned how to forgive.  TRULY forgive.  It was a hard lesson that followed after two weeks long depression... I came to a point of such intense anger and pain that I couldn't deal with reality anymore, couldn't handle my life the way it was.  And the lesson came, and I learned how God forgives, to the point of forgetting, as if nothing happened before, just letting go and starting afresh... it was hard, but very possible.  I learned patience.  I learned - and still learning - how to deal with pain and broken heart, how to give my hurts and griefs to God, every day afresh. 


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So new year happened, first time in my whole life I spent it on my own, alone, in a strange, far away place... But it'll be a good year.  Time to become an adult, time to end all childish charades and time to chose a path to follow.  Time to go after what you truly believe in, having faith in God that He will open the right door in His right time. 

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I fasted a day and a half.  And prayed so incredibly much.  I think I need to fast every Sabbath - what amazing clarity of mind! In fact, I feel my body to be just beyond disgusting and most food plain nasty... I don't know what's wrong with me here, but I feel I need to spend at least one week on just water... I just hear that calling to do that... which I don't really understand yet.  But today I needed answers to my heartaches.  And closer connection with God.  As usual I spent the morning in the media room watching the whole media crew doing all that they do there (fascinating, I really love the switcher!).  There was a potluck but I hang around talking to some people and then spent time in the dark sanctuary of Sac Central just to pray and meditate... and somebody came and began playing piano, the most amazing hymns ever... and the skin under my eyes burned, because it's known tears so much before.  The Upper Room Bible study was beyond amazing!  Again, I met so many incredible people, made connections and friends and we studied the Bible for nearly 3 hours! And even after that they wouldn't let me go for over an hour :) 

I'm having a family photoshoot tomorrow in center city.  Then meeting up with a friend, hopefully, and I'm hoping to talk some things out as well, then meeting with one of my models for wardrobe and release signing, hopefully making it home for Skype Bible study with Pete.... editing pictures...  I so long to go back to running.  Stress been taking a toll on me so much... I can't begin to be healthy until my heart finds peace. 



I may be a little melodramatic now, where is your happiness Anya, I know, but I've been going through some serious heartaches and I need closure on things.  To know if I can begin to grieve in peace or if my hope and care can beging to grow...  So confused now.  And sleepy! :)  Good night till a better day! :)