Jan 15

I would have lost heart, unless I had believed
That I would see the goodness of the Lord
In the land of the living.

Wait on the Lord;
Be of good courage,
And He shall strengthen your heart;
Wait, I say, on the Lord!

 

That's Psalm 27:13-14

 

It holds me up, it gives me strength to get up in the morning when all is black and meaningless...  God keeps me busy and He suceeds at keeping me distracted pretty well... but when I drive, when I'm home, or any time I'm alone.... I can't stop the waterfalls and aching sobs... I just can't... not yet...

 

 

This past weekend was pretty busy.  I'd say amazing if I wasn't broken... Spent all Sabbath at the Central Church, hanging out in the media room and watching pastor Doug's sermon on over 15 tv screens..  I wanted to stay for a health lecture that was gonna start at 2pm, but somehow I ended up talking to people, and they sort of... made me... (I'm really gooey right now, no resolution on my own whatsoever) stay for lunch, then for women's ministry meeting.  I had no clue what I was doing there, other than talking to some new faces... I was soo out of it... Then the health lecture prooved to be really basic and boring to me,so I scooted away for the Heritage Singers's concert in the main sanctuary but left after the 5th song... Sherle warned me that they'll be singing new 'worship' style melodies... she was right.  On my way out I was stopped by Sheela and Duayne and they pulled me in to chat and eventually walked me to my car over an hour later... Such lovely people!

 

And on Sunday I hosted my first me-organized photoshoot with models.  My brain wasn't working and somehow I thought it'll all get done by itself... so I left everything at the last minute.  I reality, sometimes I just don't care about anything, but at the last minute I got a reality check and realized I'm responsible and people are counting on me, heartbreake or not, I had to step up and was scrambling up frantically, getting the props ready, the release forms, packing the car, gettting roses, fake snow I made the night before, picking up Paige -one of the models... I almost didn't eat.  But the shoot was fun.  The theme 'it's so cold outside' lived up to its name, we shot till we couldn't feel our fingers anymore.  Then I went to Sacramento co op store to get some food... had nothing in my cupboard for a week.. didn't care.  I still don't care much, but I realize I have to live.... 

 

I don't remember what I did yesterday... I know I was very busy after work, had to go somewhere... oooh, photography lecture by Antonio Genovia that I signed up for in downtown sac.  Came home late and crashed. 

And today after work I had the video camera operator training at Sac Central Church.  The camera felt incredibly natural to me... wish I had more time to play with it.  Really enjoyed the experience, and even 'modeled' for the other students up on stage, so that they could learn their zooming and focus...  Gave them few challenges too.  And just came home. 

 

I can't listen to anything, it reminds me of all the past hurts, they're all put together now, everything reminds me of something and everything hurts.  And yet the bare silence almost seems to be splitting my brain in half... I long for a lovely 3 hours of curling up under a blankie and reading.. but I can't focus, I think and cry... Sometimes my brain goes blank and I just sit and stare... and do nothing.  And then I go to bed.  Sometimes I wish I didn't exist for a while...  It reminds me of when I was sick with RA and in pain all the time... only emotional pain seems a lot more painful now.  I'm feeling quite sick and exausted.  Tired of emotions, of feeling anything. 

 

I miss him so much!

 

Yesterday I gave in and had soy hot chocolate from starbucks.  I was texting Henry at that time and while in line, somebody grabs my arm.  Henry was standing in line right behind me!  I wanted to hug him, was so happy to see a friendly face, but I gave him a friendly punch.  Quite strong.  I seem to be doing a lot of things wrong lately... uncontrollably.  I was on break and couldn't talk for long, but we chatted some... Just thought it was an interesting incident... or.. providential meeting?  I dunno... I don't know anything these days... I just exist.  And I'm so tired.  Of life....