Jan 22 -he was selling and I bought it! :(

I get up only because I have to.  If it wasn't for my job, I'd be spending days in bed.  I still cry.. sometimes... sometimes a lot... mornings and evenings are the toughest... I try not to think.  I try to block any memory we ever shared.  I feel so used.  So played with.  Discarded like a broken toy...  Ugly, unwanted and rejected.  Again. 

Once again I long for understanding and I don't get it. 
He kept running away from talking, I pushed and hunted for him... until I snapped.  It meant so much to me to have it resolved, to understand why, but he was so flippant about it that it made me snap.  And I usually don't snap. 

Oh how it all hurts! All he said and wrote is written in my heart, word for word... I can call him on every word he said to me, every word he texted.... on his promise he made to me.  And he wouldn't release me of mine....  'effort, here I come..'  Bullshit. 


I thank God for Henry.  He's been a real friend, talking some sense into my crying heart, trying hard to make me see the reason... the sunshine.... and checking up on me every few days... I so appreciate that. 
I thank God for Nat.  She's always willing to listen and she's there for me... and is good at distracting me, too.
I thank God incredibly for Nancy, she labored with me for hours upon hours listening to my crying, analyzing with me, giving me hope and incredible support... So grateful!
I thank God for Daniela, who I'm sure knew what was coming, and even then she'd keep my hopes up, till the very death.  And for Linda and ed, who, very simply turns my eyes upon Jesus in every trouble.  And for Sherle and her whole family, who are desperately trying to adopt me, comfort me by having me over and giving me mounds of yummy apples and citruses...  And for many other beautiful people God put on my path...



And... what hurts the most is that... not that he said to me he's suddenly not ready for a serious relationship, but that he was selling one so well, for so long, months of believing, and praying, and hoping, and waiting.... for effing nothing!  He was selling it so perfectly and I bought it... I believed it with all of my heart and bought it with everything I had!