Welcome to the New Year 2013. I took a break from writing but I'm back. It's almost 3 months in California, lots has happened. But sometimes I sit back and marvel, as still can't believe I'm here. God has led me in most amazing way... And He provided and I know I'm in the right place. Just.. in transition. Don't know which way to go, which way to turn... some of it doesn't depend on me...
A recap:
1. God graciously gave me a temp job. I don't know why there, I don't know why... I'm glad I have a job, it pays the bills and rent, but I'm also glad it's a temp. In the midst of it all, I learned valuble lessons. I learned meekness and humbleness... learned how to keep my mouth shut sometimes, even in moments of unjustice. I learned how to multitask in an organized and cohesive way while keeping the stress at bay. I became comfortable with handling crazily huge amounts of money... was never able to do that comfortably before. And God taught me that hard work, effort and intergrity pays off. At the same time, I don't belong there. My uncle died an alcoholic. My other uncle, my aunt and her family, my other aunt and cousins and few people on my dad's side too, they're all broken people with destroyed lives, all because of alcohol. How, in all honesty can I.... But even Daniel had to work his best in the middle of Babylon. And that gives me hope. And God will lead onto the next step in life after this episode. So much to learn still.
2. Been meeting some amazing people on my journey. People with incredible stories... Some people just passed me by, some stayed for longer, and yet some came really close and began to care. My family here is expanding, and there are still sooooo many people to meet! Some families even try to adopt me, for which I'm beyond grateful! I love them all! And it's not like I try so hard to make connections, they just happen, it's like God is laying out the path for me to walk on, it's like the people just come to me and friend me... it's been amazing and oh how much I'd like to open my heart to them. Few people got to know me beyond deep and I'm so glad I have someone's shoulder to cry on.... been doing that a lot lately.
3. Photography has been an adventure. I have started my own photography club here in Sacramento, with now over 80 members and my first themed photoshoot with models coming up soon. Again, met some incredible photographers, beautiful models and it's only the beginning. With a number of photography projects in sight... Praying hard for my music now.. God gave me an AMAZING guitar, ah, the sound is beyond anything, so deep and sensual, utterly beautiful, but I need help; can't go any further on my own, so I've been praying for a guitar teacher. The right one will happen according to God's will. Though my fingers are still like butter -fingers, hahaha!
4. I have learned how to forgive. TRULY forgive. It was a hard lesson that followed after two weeks long depression... I came to a point of such intense anger and pain that I couldn't deal with reality anymore, couldn't handle my life the way it was. And the lesson came, and I learned how God forgives, to the point of forgetting, as if nothing happened before, just letting go and starting afresh... it was hard, but very possible. I learned patience. I learned - and still learning - how to deal with pain and broken heart, how to give my hurts and griefs to God, every day afresh.
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So new year happened, first time in my whole life I spent it on my own, alone, in a strange, far away place... But it'll be a good year. Time to become an adult, time to end all childish charades and time to chose a path to follow. Time to go after what you truly believe in, having faith in God that He will open the right door in His right time.
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I fasted a day and a half. And prayed so incredibly much. I think I need to fast every Sabbath - what amazing clarity of mind! In fact, I feel my body to be just beyond disgusting and most food plain nasty... I don't know what's wrong with me here, but I feel I need to spend at least one week on just water... I just hear that calling to do that... which I don't really understand yet. But today I needed answers to my heartaches. And closer connection with God. As usual I spent the morning in the media room watching the whole media crew doing all that they do there (fascinating, I really love the switcher!). There was a potluck but I hang around talking to some people and then spent time in the dark sanctuary of Sac Central just to pray and meditate... and somebody came and began playing piano, the most amazing hymns ever... and the skin under my eyes burned, because it's known tears so much before. The Upper Room Bible study was beyond amazing! Again, I met so many incredible people, made connections and friends and we studied the Bible for nearly 3 hours! And even after that they wouldn't let me go for over an hour :)
I'm having a family photoshoot tomorrow in center city. Then meeting up with a friend, hopefully, and I'm hoping to talk some things out as well, then meeting with one of my models for wardrobe and release signing, hopefully making it home for Skype Bible study with Pete.... editing pictures... I so long to go back to running. Stress been taking a toll on me so much... I can't begin to be healthy until my heart finds peace.
I may be a little melodramatic now, where is your happiness Anya, I know, but I've been going through some serious heartaches and I need closure on things. To know if I can begin to grieve in peace or if my hope and care can beging to grow... So confused now. And sleepy! :) Good night till a better day! :)
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