A blessed day when I get to call parents in Poland. I talk to them roughly twice a month. I miss them soooo much.... Lately I seem to miss everything, almost everything from this time last year.... And that's a foolish thing to say, but sometimes my pain gets so bad, so excruciatingly bad, like my heart is going to split open, that I begin to travel back in my mind where at least some things were sweet.
The pain of realizing I'm forced to leave my husband was blinding, depression had a big hold on me, but! My family was close to me. We had our times, perhaps all of us regretting them now as we miss each other, but they were there for me, and only 30 minutes away. And anytime phonecall away. And I had Jennifer, my dear psychologist. How much I miss seeing her... Sessions with her always put my head straight. I need this so very much, as sometimes I do feel like hitting my head on the pavement out of sheer heartache and misery, but not having a steady income I simply can't afford a psychologist. And... Yes, and I had a dear friend, dear friend, precious Big Brother who cared for me, who actually had an interest in being a close friend. That's what it seemed like then... sometimes I think he was only pretending, playing games because they were fun, using me for his amusement... I don't know anymore. But he was there for me. Like the most truest friend would, like a soulmate. And now he's gone. The change feels so drastic it seems like he hates me now. Like he despises my name and anything that has to do with me, can't stand my sight.... Of Lord I feel so rejected!!!!! Again!!!!!! Back to back my life became a chain of miseries. So unwanted, used, played with, so rejected..... And lied to.
I so long to be able to pick a day from the past and live it over and over again. In oblivion, and total ignorance of reality. A happy day, when I didn't have to be too concerned with how will I pay my bills, when my family was with me and when Big Brother would speak caring and comforting words to me, call my psychologist to see how I'm doing and sing-song voice messages, which I'd listed to over and over again.
Just the sound of his voice was like a music. His caring brown eyes would stare at me from the pictures, his beautiful smile warmed my heart and I knew that he'd always be willing to give me a long, holding hug anytime I'd need one. I can't go on longer, hurts too much.
I trusted him. I trusted him so much, believed his words so much that I drove across the states to be close to my bestest friend. Who then, right then chose to hurt me with all he got!
Oh such pain which only Jesus can soothe. The constant sobbing of my heart, sometimes I cannot stand it. No close family. No job. A room in a dirty house. No psychologist. Depressed. Alone. Lonely. Hurt. Heartbroken. Feeling rejected and unwanted. Feeling ugly again. Only thanks to Jesus I can stand up, though I'd much rather be kneeling and crying my heart out to Him. Which I do daily, I've never thought one can produce so many tears. Thought that my suffering was finished and recovery has started. No, Big Brother decided to add to my suffering and my tears. Pretending to care he got me in his male trap. I'm so undone.... Jesus save me, please I beg for mercy... I prayed sooo much. And God was faithful! He removed a lot of this pain, as I asked. But He didn't remove the deep care I have still for Big Brother, as I also asked.
Left a nice job, and moved across the continent. Got hurt beyond deeply but still cares. What is that? Where is logic and where is sense of it? God please save me from another heartache... I simply can't take one more. I'm already in pieces!!!!!
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