Something is going to happen. Something has to happen. I have about a month left in my bank account and after that... I found a nice spot near the American River. There is a sign 'no tents' but that doesn't worry me, I have no tents. I'll have boxes and there is no sign 'no boxes'. And if I want to be social, I know where the homeless community is now, so I can go and make friends.
My attempts at joke are rather puny... Whatever God allows, it'll happen. It's all in His hands, I gave it all to him. Not my will but Thine. I want to work for the Lord, I've been nudged over and over since last week to do something, and I'm praying to God that if, if it's His will, do make it happen. I'm scared. I've never done it before. But I have a weird desire to... I wish not to voice it yet. Don't know why. Time is short though. Jesus is coming and I just can't sit idly and do nothing!
Been leaving few job appliations here and there, got some info through friends, we'll see. I have ideas on my own... Been pretty whacked on the head most of the time, so I can't really think straight yet. Just been spending time on prayer, reading, growing in Christ, playing music and tryting to get my health back where it should be. With some effort spurts here and there.
Thursday night I drove home from friend's house for 45 minutes and the whole way I prayed like I rarely ever pray. In the car anyway. Angels truly had to watch over me... I wrote this poem about seeing stars like VanGogh, and that night I truly did see them, every single light obliterated by tears. I don't know how I got home. Safe and in one piece.
The weather in Cali's been incredible. Gorgeous summer. And that helps so much. Mornings and nights are the hardest. During the day I see the sun, I hear the birdies, I get busy. At night I get weak and tired and satan is trying to get me in my weakened state. Lots of prayer and Scripture reading. But mornings are the worst. I wake up realizing that I have to face everything all over again. That the blissfull sleep is over, that I have to live again. I'm grateful that God gave me yet another day of life, but that life of mine is rather tough now. I have a habit that I can't seem to break, sometime after waking up I grab my phone and check Facebook. And I check it to get the daily dose of hurt and pain behind me and get it over with already. Because I know I'm going to see it sooner or later. Somehow it shows up there, not every morning but some.... the hugs and kisses that used to be mine. They belong to another now. And every time I can't live anymore, I drop down on my knees and cry to Jesus and He alone's been my true source of strength and comfort and hope and faith. I really do believe that I've been dealt a bitter card in life. A fresh stab in the heart every few mornings is just part of reality now. But you get up and go, like always, with Jesus. Dear Jesus, when will it end?
I really hope that one day I can stop writing about pain and suffering. Maybe one day I can write about love. About being happy to see his face and hear his voice speaking softly to me. I used to repeat this verse like a mantra when I was going through the split with my ex husband 'trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding', and it's timeless, it plays in my head right now too, sometiemes for hours. The only difference is that this time around there is no understanding at all, my understanding is eternal impossiblity. Either God choses to make a miracle in my life or I will stay like that for the rest of my life. For I don't think I'll ever have interest in another heart.
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