I always wonder if I'll get hurt tomorrow morning. Sometimes I do, and it's very painful to know that someone you care about so deeply hates you now and directs his attention to another. But those things just pop up on my fb wall and I can't avoid them, somehow they do, and I don't have the guts anymore to do anything, especially removing him from my friend's again. I'm just to weak for that, I'd rather suffer. So I wake up at 4am with fast beating heart and scared and really freaked out, and I go on fb to get it over with. The faster the better. And then I either go back to sleep with the stone taken off my chest, or end up having rather teary morning... But after I dehydrate through my eyes some, it always feels better to feel miserable. Misery, pain and tears became my comfort, because I have no other.
I"m trying to figure out how to deal with feeling pain and love at the same time.. I don't know what to do with either one. I'm scared I'm becoming a bit mental.. yes, I am emotionally unstable, and mentally probably too. I'm not suicidal yet, like I was when I was leaving my ex, but I do have thoughts of doing things that will probably hurt me. I don't die in car accidents in my head, but I do many stupid things... with once again nobody at my hospital's bed. Maybe surviving an accident really is the worst thing that can happen to you.... I take it back. Back then, somehow Big Brother always made it to my hospital room to hold my hand. Right now he'd probably remove my life support. I never thought I'd ever have a family turn against me so much, even if they are artificially adopted.
Maybe I shouldn't do that, maybe I should not adopt people anymore because they may all turn against me. I've always wanted a big brother. And once I adopted one, I got hurt. He seemes to care about the whole word, speaking words of caring and compassion to everyone except me. He played with me and when he was done he threw me in the trash. Without a word of explanation. I really do feel stupid for believing everything he said. I took it all seriuosly, I believed him, trusted him, his comforting words of care were only part of the game and I was stupid enough not to see it. I want to beat myself up for not seeing the trap, for falling into it with all of my heart, Lord Almighty forgive me for being so stupid, stupid STUPID!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Oh God, I feel so used. I feel raped.
And yet.. and yet... I don't understand this, why God, why?????? Why do my ears perk up at the sound of his name? Why is my heart beating faster when I think of him? Why do I long to see his face, and melt at the sound of his voice? Why do I see in him a precious, tender heart, a beautiful soul, becautiful and sensitive, artistic, loving, loving, loving.... even though he's not capable of love? Why? Why is my heart, though so deeply broken, longing to just be in his presence, even though knowing that nothing but hate emanates from him towards me.. Why do I long to put his head on my chest and cradle his head tenderly, caress his face and keep telling that if you only believe, if you only have faith everything will be ok? Why do I dream of going places with him and having adventures like the best of friends? Why do I believe he could still be my soulmate? Why do I cry with deep pain and love when I just think of him? Why????? Why, why, why???? I've been cursed with the worst of curses. For all I know it may be called forever platonic love? I don't know. I don't understand any of it. I wake up whacked in the head, and go to sleep with world twirling around... I'm only sane when I pray, spending sometimes hours on my knees until tears start dripping on my lap.
I've been told to stop voicing my hurt. And that's the worst you can say to a hurting soul. I cry, and nobody hears. I scream in pain, and nobody answers. I grope in darkness for pieces of hope to hold onto, silently, invisibly... and if I ever catch anything, it seems to slip through my fingers.... Nobody's here anymore, nobody hears my cries, I can wail all I want but the world is indifferent to my suffering and there is no one who would care and comfort... because my comforter became my source of pain. And I still love him. And for that only, I can go and bury myself today.
Normally I'm pretty sane. I can even laugh and smile, and talk normally. But if they only had access my my insides, they'd flee. But I'm good at 'living', I took acting classes before. I truly do want to be normal. And happy. I've been wounded but I'll heal. Almost like a shot dog, licking his wounds to health but never ever trusting another human being. Will I become a stray? God have mercy on me, I beg!!!!! Why would a person that I'd do so much for out of deep care, why would he slit my throat like that? And don't tell me why? Lord Jesus, you know my heart, please attend to it if You could, right now.....
I feel a wave of poems coming on..... to take me away to my never never land...
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