March 30 - part 1

Precious Lord hears my cries, hears my prayers and my supplications...  He's so good, he's working on me biiiig time!

I"m so grateful and I see a lot of healing happening.  And yet I'm still so broken, still pains and hurts.  God isn't done with me, that's my hope. 

I don't want to write painful things, I'm so tired of it.  I'm sick of it.  But somehow it oozes out of me, despite the efforts to keep it in.  Maybe because I held one pain in me for so long without telling anybody, and now I'm unable, or perhaps subconsciously unwilling to go through it again.  It spilles out and I'm really ashamed writing it out.  But it helps.  Only praying that this place will be uplifting to others so that I can share it publicly.  Because right now it's a sick ward.  With a visitor or two, don't know even who lurks here....


But Jesus is so precious, so kind and so merciful to me, I can't even express it.  I've been playing with Yuri, and it's just so much fun.  I feel like I'm moving along skill-wise when I play with him, but when I'm on my own, my fingers feel so buttery and unwilling to do quick chord changes.  But I guess Yuri must really see some positives because he had me play some hymns, challenged me with adding (or hearing them in the first place) extra chords into the songs and then he said that he'd like me to play with him for the primary Sabbath School every other Sabbath.  And then he began talking about something to the idea of going to churches with him and sing and play together.  How incredibly fun and fulfilling would that be! But I need to get better and better.  And so I practice as much as I can, but to me, I seem to go nowhere.  Only God knows.  I so want to be better, I long, I cry, I really suffer my inabilities to express what I'd love to express.  It hurts so much! And it hurst seeing others do it so effortlessly! Frustrating!

Few mornings I woke up in a state of panic.  Panic over not having a job, not having a steady income, over not knowing what's going to happen with me.  And the panic was so overwhelming I didn't know what to do, I was so scared to the point of tears.  No matter what I do, it's not happening!  And I'm scared, scared of getting an office job and scared of not getting an office job.  It drains every creative powers out of me, I know, it does it every time.  I'd love to be free doing what I love doing, art, photograpy, maybe writing, something creative that I truly and fully believe in.  But life isn't that easy ,unfortunately.  So I need something, and that something isn't happening.  I know God has come through for me in the past, and I know that somehow, somewhere, He will come through again.  I know He will.  And everytime I get into that panicky state of mind, I get down on my knees praying for peace, that heavenly peace that comes only from above.  I have to have faith.  More faith and trust is the key here.  "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding". 


God gave me two amazing weekends - this and past one.  Both - the first one especially - full of emotional healing.  In fact, God worked a miracle that past Sabbath!  Man, Sabbath truly is a day of special rest and miracles! God is so good to me! But I'm so pooped right now... Had an eventful day in Hollister today. 

Only praying that I can hold on to my faith, that it can grow!  There are so many things working against me, and yet I believe, I BELIEVE, I have FAITH!!!!! And I will not give up! On anything I believe in so much.. Oh Lord Almighty, please help me.....!