And I'm praising God there hasn't been any morning stabbings in the heart lately... I'm always so scared that today again I'll get hurt. Again.
God gave me a beautiful day... A beautiful Sabbath... But I still found myself dragging my feet to the upper room Bible study. Sometimes I fall back into the old, shy Anya, when I want to be alone with my pain. Just hide under my blankies and never come out. Tears are so welcomed then... But I went to the study, feeling empty, brain-stupid, unworthy to be there and having nothing to say.... Which is unusuall, becauce once I unwind, I talk and talk and talk. I love to talk about Jesus, I fly when I do. So we went through Sunday study and Monday study and I had nothing to contribute to the discussion and I felt useless and empty. It wasn't till the end of Monday that the Holy Spirit gave me a though to share. And I felt very encouraged since then! Thank you Lord. And people said they were blessed through my comments. But they weren't mine, they were God's, who was just using my mouth.
And so I went home pretty enouraged and wanting to serve Jesus even more, knowing that He isn't finished with me yet. With my mouth and with my hands too. So I took a picture of my hands, laid it in front of me, stretched out my own hands and prayed with tears with my eyes that Jesus would bless these hands for His work. I dedicated my hands to the Lord. Whatever it may be, playing my Martin, through photography, or doing good to people, may God bless the work of my hands.
Last night when I played Martin two fingers felt like butter, I think they swelled up some. My body still does that sometimes, I suspect it's all stress and emotions because it can't be diet. Today however I played a lot better, I especially enjoyed hymn All to Jesus I Surrender, and Awesome God song. Can't wait to meet up with Yuri again to play and sing together. I've got to find a group of Christians with guitars, I honestly forgot, simply forgot how incredible it is to get together and play and sing!!!! That's what we used to do years and years back in Poland, around campfire, having little songbooks with Christian songs and chords, and we'd play and sing deep into the night... how I miss the sense of togetherness, of feeling needed and wanted, and being used for others and just playing our guitars.... I so MISS IT! So when I played and sang with Yuri, I was flying! He seemed super happy to and at the end of some songs we'd high-five because it went that well :) Simple stuff for now, he's working on getting my fingers working better and trying to beat my pinky into submission, cuz that little guy simply refuses to do any work. :)
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