A blessed day when I get to call parents in Poland. I talk to them roughly twice a month. I miss them soooo much.... Lately I seem to miss everything, almost everything from this time last year.... And that's a foolish thing to say, but sometimes my pain gets so bad, so excruciatingly bad, like my heart is going to split open, that I begin to travel back in my mind where at least some things were sweet.
The pain of realizing I'm forced to leave my husband was blinding, depression had a big hold on me, but! My family was close to me. We had our times, perhaps all of us regretting them now as we miss each other, but they were there for me, and only 30 minutes away. And anytime phonecall away. And I had Jennifer, my dear psychologist. How much I miss seeing her... Sessions with her always put my head straight. I need this so very much, as sometimes I do feel like hitting my head on the pavement out of sheer heartache and misery, but not having a steady income I simply can't afford a psychologist. And... Yes, and I had a dear friend, dear friend, precious Big Brother who cared for me, who actually had an interest in being a close friend. That's what it seemed like then... sometimes I think he was only pretending, playing games because they were fun, using me for his amusement... I don't know anymore. But he was there for me. Like the most truest friend would, like a soulmate. And now he's gone. The change feels so drastic it seems like he hates me now. Like he despises my name and anything that has to do with me, can't stand my sight.... Of Lord I feel so rejected!!!!! Again!!!!!! Back to back my life became a chain of miseries. So unwanted, used, played with, so rejected..... And lied to.
I so long to be able to pick a day from the past and live it over and over again. In oblivion, and total ignorance of reality. A happy day, when I didn't have to be too concerned with how will I pay my bills, when my family was with me and when Big Brother would speak caring and comforting words to me, call my psychologist to see how I'm doing and sing-song voice messages, which I'd listed to over and over again.
Just the sound of his voice was like a music. His caring brown eyes would stare at me from the pictures, his beautiful smile warmed my heart and I knew that he'd always be willing to give me a long, holding hug anytime I'd need one. I can't go on longer, hurts too much.
I trusted him. I trusted him so much, believed his words so much that I drove across the states to be close to my bestest friend. Who then, right then chose to hurt me with all he got!
Oh such pain which only Jesus can soothe. The constant sobbing of my heart, sometimes I cannot stand it. No close family. No job. A room in a dirty house. No psychologist. Depressed. Alone. Lonely. Hurt. Heartbroken. Feeling rejected and unwanted. Feeling ugly again. Only thanks to Jesus I can stand up, though I'd much rather be kneeling and crying my heart out to Him. Which I do daily, I've never thought one can produce so many tears. Thought that my suffering was finished and recovery has started. No, Big Brother decided to add to my suffering and my tears. Pretending to care he got me in his male trap. I'm so undone.... Jesus save me, please I beg for mercy... I prayed sooo much. And God was faithful! He removed a lot of this pain, as I asked. But He didn't remove the deep care I have still for Big Brother, as I also asked.
Left a nice job, and moved across the continent. Got hurt beyond deeply but still cares. What is that? Where is logic and where is sense of it? God please save me from another heartache... I simply can't take one more. I'm already in pieces!!!!!
Tuesday, March 12, 2013
Saturday, March 2, 2013
March 2 - anniversary gift from God
Today marks my 15 years in the US. I remember it like yesterday, coming to a new country, everything different and strange, even the air smelled different and the sky seemed a lot lower.... an incredible adventure to an innocent and ignorant 18 year old girl. Wow. And so much happened in this time, so much! My life was thrown up-side-down and twisted inside-out, shaken to the core a thousand times and sent on a rollercoaster that doesn't seem to want to end... And like Danny said today in his health lecture, I'm clunged to Jesus and I'm hanging on during the ride, because that's the only thing I have left. And wherever that rollercoaster takes me, as long as I'm holding on to Jesus... well, I'll go there. And it did take me through dark and scary forests, through deep, salty tear filled oceans, through aches and pains, slaps in the face, rugs pulled from under my feet, dissapointments, hearaches, and everything else... But God is good.
God is so good He gave me an anniversary gift. A beautiful day, filled with what I love most. He knows what I need. I had a breakdown last weekend. I just couldn't live anymore, couldn't carry my pain, and my sufferings anymore... I just dropped almost dead and cried and cried and told God what I really think and feel. I broke. Flat on my face. Again. And I couldn't pull myself up, I cried to God and He began to pull me up. Slowly but consistently. I thought I lost hope and faith completely, but no, I just needed to trust Him like a child, all anew. And two days ago I felt actually somewhat happy. Yesterday I woke up happy and optimistic, and full of hope - something I haven't felt in a long time. It felt good. I went for a run.
Today I ran the camera again for sac central and I absolutely loved it! Every time! Then I got introduced to somebody who's a guitar teacher at the central church. I've been looking for a Christian teacher for a while. And Jim, a dear friend of mine got baptized today - praise God! So happy!!! I went to find him to give him a congratulation hug and found him with a group of people, including Henry, his son Adam and his wife. Lovely. :) Half hour later I drove to Southgate church for Danny's lecture. I almost didn't go... I thought Big Brother wouldn't be there, but last night I found out he will, and I wasn't sure if I should go... but the Holy Spirit's been telling me I needed to go, plus I knew I needed to hear the message. I just knew I needed it. I invited 6 people to go with me, but (sadly that only one person) only Olivia said she'll come, and she did. She's like my sister, maybe I should adopt her :) I'd now have Little Sister, Big Brother and a Twin Sister - twin, because she's so like me in many aspects. :) Incredible.
Had some hard time before the lecture, I so wanted to be friendly and let go, which I did, but once you're put on the spot, it's hard. So I beamed more pain than happines and friendship. And that didn't help at all... Charmaine was so precious. she sat with me and Olivia and we got to chat a bit. And Danny's lectures were such a blessing, exactly what I needed to hear! The guy next to me was sniffling twice to the point that Olivia went to get him some tissue, hahaha! But at times I had to bow my head and let the tears flow because it was as if he was talking to me. About me. And on our way out Danny did say 'I was watching you, and looking out for you'. I know he was. I saw him. He knows. But it was so healing. I needed to hear all that.
And God made a miracle. In me. I wasn't angry or upset or hurting. I was able to talk, and open up and be honest yet guarded and share for the first time in... maaan, long months!!!! That was something new, and I was grateful that I didn't want to beat up Big Brother or rip his eyes out... not from hatered, never, but from the contorted and wrenched up and caring emotions inside. I was grateful for what God gave me that day, that moment. I embraced it with thanksgiving, leaving all to Him. He knows.
I was happy. Spend time with Christ loving people. met so many new people too.... it still amazes me how God changed me from this incredibly shy and timid girl to someone loving people so much that I go out and talk to strangers, become friends and connect with so many of them, and people come to me... they come to me, they want to be friends, they open up, they share... God's love is bottomless! And that's marvelous! And health oriented! We ended up talking to the sniffling guy next to us for nearly an hour after the last lecture, about health of course. And then I got to chat with Big Brother, and then a bit with Charmaine too.... And did I mentioned camera in the morning? :) :) Such lovely day deserved to be topped with with a great vegan dinner and a lovely girl talk, so Olivia picked the Sugar Plum.
I got a taste of fulfilling happiness, oh, I haven't felt that in ages. Praise God for today, and for His incredible emotional healing. Praise God for His gifts today. Praise God for His health message, for me, a still very broken and hurting but mending soul. Praise God for the beautiful people He puts on my path. Praise God for my friends and their love and compassion and understanding. And their support. And praise God for this incredibly warm weather! Nowhere in PA I'd see blooming trees and flowers in February! :D
God is so good He gave me an anniversary gift. A beautiful day, filled with what I love most. He knows what I need. I had a breakdown last weekend. I just couldn't live anymore, couldn't carry my pain, and my sufferings anymore... I just dropped almost dead and cried and cried and told God what I really think and feel. I broke. Flat on my face. Again. And I couldn't pull myself up, I cried to God and He began to pull me up. Slowly but consistently. I thought I lost hope and faith completely, but no, I just needed to trust Him like a child, all anew. And two days ago I felt actually somewhat happy. Yesterday I woke up happy and optimistic, and full of hope - something I haven't felt in a long time. It felt good. I went for a run.
Today I ran the camera again for sac central and I absolutely loved it! Every time! Then I got introduced to somebody who's a guitar teacher at the central church. I've been looking for a Christian teacher for a while. And Jim, a dear friend of mine got baptized today - praise God! So happy!!! I went to find him to give him a congratulation hug and found him with a group of people, including Henry, his son Adam and his wife. Lovely. :) Half hour later I drove to Southgate church for Danny's lecture. I almost didn't go... I thought Big Brother wouldn't be there, but last night I found out he will, and I wasn't sure if I should go... but the Holy Spirit's been telling me I needed to go, plus I knew I needed to hear the message. I just knew I needed it. I invited 6 people to go with me, but (sadly that only one person) only Olivia said she'll come, and she did. She's like my sister, maybe I should adopt her :) I'd now have Little Sister, Big Brother and a Twin Sister - twin, because she's so like me in many aspects. :) Incredible.
Had some hard time before the lecture, I so wanted to be friendly and let go, which I did, but once you're put on the spot, it's hard. So I beamed more pain than happines and friendship. And that didn't help at all... Charmaine was so precious. she sat with me and Olivia and we got to chat a bit. And Danny's lectures were such a blessing, exactly what I needed to hear! The guy next to me was sniffling twice to the point that Olivia went to get him some tissue, hahaha! But at times I had to bow my head and let the tears flow because it was as if he was talking to me. About me. And on our way out Danny did say 'I was watching you, and looking out for you'. I know he was. I saw him. He knows. But it was so healing. I needed to hear all that.
And God made a miracle. In me. I wasn't angry or upset or hurting. I was able to talk, and open up and be honest yet guarded and share for the first time in... maaan, long months!!!! That was something new, and I was grateful that I didn't want to beat up Big Brother or rip his eyes out... not from hatered, never, but from the contorted and wrenched up and caring emotions inside. I was grateful for what God gave me that day, that moment. I embraced it with thanksgiving, leaving all to Him. He knows.
I was happy. Spend time with Christ loving people. met so many new people too.... it still amazes me how God changed me from this incredibly shy and timid girl to someone loving people so much that I go out and talk to strangers, become friends and connect with so many of them, and people come to me... they come to me, they want to be friends, they open up, they share... God's love is bottomless! And that's marvelous! And health oriented! We ended up talking to the sniffling guy next to us for nearly an hour after the last lecture, about health of course. And then I got to chat with Big Brother, and then a bit with Charmaine too.... And did I mentioned camera in the morning? :) :) Such lovely day deserved to be topped with with a great vegan dinner and a lovely girl talk, so Olivia picked the Sugar Plum.
I got a taste of fulfilling happiness, oh, I haven't felt that in ages. Praise God for today, and for His incredible emotional healing. Praise God for His gifts today. Praise God for His health message, for me, a still very broken and hurting but mending soul. Praise God for the beautiful people He puts on my path. Praise God for my friends and their love and compassion and understanding. And their support. And praise God for this incredibly warm weather! Nowhere in PA I'd see blooming trees and flowers in February! :D
Monday, February 25, 2013
Feb 25 - the newness of everything
The days are getting sunnier and warmer, flowers and trees are beginning to bloom and it really feels like spring. To me, it's hard to believe it's only February. Unthinkable, back in PA.
I've been getting into habit of analyzing my screwed up life, and only now I realized the newness of everything in my life... I mean, I left everything I knew behind, everything familiar. I have no family nearby at all. New place. New people all around. New state, new city, new places, churches, stores, new temp job... new activities.. I'm an organizer for now a 100 members photo club, I organize shoots with models and when we get together for a shoot, all the big, professional photogs look up to me as the 'head of the group'. I have a new guitar... I haven't played Martin in so long, I miss him.. I'm learning a new language. I'm lifting weights regularly and I'm working my abs with a program designed for men. I have CS6 now and a whole new way of editing pictures. I'm looking to market my photographs to publishers. I have ideas on how to use my photography for the Lord. All is new.
But the pain is still the same. Pain of rejection, pain of being unwanted, played with and tossed away, used, almost... emotionally raped. All this is wrecking havoc in me. And despite all this mess I'm in, the care and love is still there. How weird. That hasn't changed. How extremaly weird.
If I could only understand what happened. If I could only have an honest and open talk. If I could only tell my feelings. And give it a chance... That's all I ask.
But the newness of everything makes for new insecurities and new struggles too. I broke, flat on my face again, few days ago. Everyone got a piece of my mind, even -or especially God got a piece of my mind. I just couldn't handle things anymore... too much. Praising God He's merciful with me, and patient. So patient and loving. The things I said.. I don't believe them. Desperation pushed me, and something broke, and now, like a child I feel like I need to learn how to crawl again. Learn what is faith, how to trust, so basic and so refining.. God knows what I'm going through, He WILL send help in the right time, maybe I really need to burn myself out on this, totally let go and get scalded, and fall and hit rock bottom and break into tiny pieces... for Him to put me together the way He wants me to be. Because right now I can't let go, I care too much, I wish oh so much and hope, and pray and long, and...
In essence, I dislike my life. Actually, I pretty much hate it in its present state. Emotional state that is. Because in reality, I'm blessed beyond measure. It's just - in my brokenness - it's so hard to see it sometimes.
I've been getting into habit of analyzing my screwed up life, and only now I realized the newness of everything in my life... I mean, I left everything I knew behind, everything familiar. I have no family nearby at all. New place. New people all around. New state, new city, new places, churches, stores, new temp job... new activities.. I'm an organizer for now a 100 members photo club, I organize shoots with models and when we get together for a shoot, all the big, professional photogs look up to me as the 'head of the group'. I have a new guitar... I haven't played Martin in so long, I miss him.. I'm learning a new language. I'm lifting weights regularly and I'm working my abs with a program designed for men. I have CS6 now and a whole new way of editing pictures. I'm looking to market my photographs to publishers. I have ideas on how to use my photography for the Lord. All is new.
But the pain is still the same. Pain of rejection, pain of being unwanted, played with and tossed away, used, almost... emotionally raped. All this is wrecking havoc in me. And despite all this mess I'm in, the care and love is still there. How weird. That hasn't changed. How extremaly weird.
If I could only understand what happened. If I could only have an honest and open talk. If I could only tell my feelings. And give it a chance... That's all I ask.
But the newness of everything makes for new insecurities and new struggles too. I broke, flat on my face again, few days ago. Everyone got a piece of my mind, even -or especially God got a piece of my mind. I just couldn't handle things anymore... too much. Praising God He's merciful with me, and patient. So patient and loving. The things I said.. I don't believe them. Desperation pushed me, and something broke, and now, like a child I feel like I need to learn how to crawl again. Learn what is faith, how to trust, so basic and so refining.. God knows what I'm going through, He WILL send help in the right time, maybe I really need to burn myself out on this, totally let go and get scalded, and fall and hit rock bottom and break into tiny pieces... for Him to put me together the way He wants me to be. Because right now I can't let go, I care too much, I wish oh so much and hope, and pray and long, and...
In essence, I dislike my life. Actually, I pretty much hate it in its present state. Emotional state that is. Because in reality, I'm blessed beyond measure. It's just - in my brokenness - it's so hard to see it sometimes.
Tuesday, February 19, 2013
Feb 19 - ............
My temp job has ended a week and a half ago. I'm glad... and not. But Lord will have provision for me, I know that for sure. He has come through for me in the past, and He will do so again. So I do not worry about that.
But I do seek a new job, and praying earnestly that God will place me where I can be of use to His cause. I'm tired of jobs where I feel like I'm wasting time there, contributing nothing to helping people or spreading God's word. I feel there is no other true meaning to this life anymore, other than the higher purpose of life, which is sharing the good news of Jesus with others, helping them in their troubled lives and being ready for Christ's coming.
This life, my life has become so ugly I try not to think about it. From a very happy, somewhat sheltered life I went straight into one of the worst turmoils life can offer... with God's help I walked out of it, so foolishly hoping for happiness again, just to be bitterly dissapointed and hurt again... ah. Sometimes I do feel like I lost everything... my parents, my brother, my friends, my job I liked, all my posessions, my husband, and my Big Brother to boot. And that makes for rather battered existance right now. But I haven't lost hope. Not yet.
I long for the happy days when having a baked potatoe would so simply bring happiness into my heart. Seems like I did not appreciate enough what I had then, when parents were still here, when I wasn't lacking, when I was happy and ignorant of pain. Although I did appreciate it immensly. When things seemed so much simpler and easier... And that alone makes me think: should I appreciate this time as well? This time right now when I am provided with a roof over my head, soft bed, warm room and not lacking in food..? Will there be a time when I look back and miss my current situation? I am blessed to talk to my brother every now and then and he did say he noticed satan's attacks triple in strength and intensity in the last few months. And I must say, I agree with him; I see it all over. There are few people that I know where in Cali that are honestly and truly longing to follow Jesus and I see their lives turning into tangles of problems. I wish I could help them, but so often there is so much one can do. Or is allowed to do, despite the yearning heart.
Today seemed to cry with me, but sun came out finally and I can't help but think of the immense blessings I receive every day. I do make new friends, Sunday was joyfully spent at a farm and on trails taking pictures with a friend, and Monday I joyfully dug in friends' garden, seeking flower bulbs and playing with squirmy earth worms. Today I commenced my language studies, sadly neglected so much that I had to review even the alphabet itself. Martin's been missing me ever since my hand problems, but I pray for that God helps me with finding a good teacher. And tonight we'll have another Camera Training at Sacramento Central Church. I find such abandonment when I'm behind my camera taking pictures, or even more so behind the video camera, where nothing else matters but what you see in the screen. A different world I like to get lost in for a moment.
But I do seek a new job, and praying earnestly that God will place me where I can be of use to His cause. I'm tired of jobs where I feel like I'm wasting time there, contributing nothing to helping people or spreading God's word. I feel there is no other true meaning to this life anymore, other than the higher purpose of life, which is sharing the good news of Jesus with others, helping them in their troubled lives and being ready for Christ's coming.
This life, my life has become so ugly I try not to think about it. From a very happy, somewhat sheltered life I went straight into one of the worst turmoils life can offer... with God's help I walked out of it, so foolishly hoping for happiness again, just to be bitterly dissapointed and hurt again... ah. Sometimes I do feel like I lost everything... my parents, my brother, my friends, my job I liked, all my posessions, my husband, and my Big Brother to boot. And that makes for rather battered existance right now. But I haven't lost hope. Not yet.
I long for the happy days when having a baked potatoe would so simply bring happiness into my heart. Seems like I did not appreciate enough what I had then, when parents were still here, when I wasn't lacking, when I was happy and ignorant of pain. Although I did appreciate it immensly. When things seemed so much simpler and easier... And that alone makes me think: should I appreciate this time as well? This time right now when I am provided with a roof over my head, soft bed, warm room and not lacking in food..? Will there be a time when I look back and miss my current situation? I am blessed to talk to my brother every now and then and he did say he noticed satan's attacks triple in strength and intensity in the last few months. And I must say, I agree with him; I see it all over. There are few people that I know where in Cali that are honestly and truly longing to follow Jesus and I see their lives turning into tangles of problems. I wish I could help them, but so often there is so much one can do. Or is allowed to do, despite the yearning heart.
Today seemed to cry with me, but sun came out finally and I can't help but think of the immense blessings I receive every day. I do make new friends, Sunday was joyfully spent at a farm and on trails taking pictures with a friend, and Monday I joyfully dug in friends' garden, seeking flower bulbs and playing with squirmy earth worms. Today I commenced my language studies, sadly neglected so much that I had to review even the alphabet itself. Martin's been missing me ever since my hand problems, but I pray for that God helps me with finding a good teacher. And tonight we'll have another Camera Training at Sacramento Central Church. I find such abandonment when I'm behind my camera taking pictures, or even more so behind the video camera, where nothing else matters but what you see in the screen. A different world I like to get lost in for a moment.
Tuesday, January 22, 2013
Jan 22 -he was selling and I bought it! :(
I get up only because I have to. If it wasn't for my job, I'd be spending days in bed. I still cry.. sometimes... sometimes a lot... mornings and evenings are the toughest... I try not to think. I try to block any memory we ever shared. I feel so used. So played with. Discarded like a broken toy... Ugly, unwanted and rejected. Again.
Once again I long for understanding and I don't get it.
He kept running away from talking, I pushed and hunted for him... until I snapped. It meant so much to me to have it resolved, to understand why, but he was so flippant about it that it made me snap. And I usually don't snap.
Oh how it all hurts! All he said and wrote is written in my heart, word for word... I can call him on every word he said to me, every word he texted.... on his promise he made to me. And he wouldn't release me of mine.... 'effort, here I come..' Bullshit.
I thank God for Henry. He's been a real friend, talking some sense into my crying heart, trying hard to make me see the reason... the sunshine.... and checking up on me every few days... I so appreciate that.
I thank God for Nat. She's always willing to listen and she's there for me... and is good at distracting me, too.
I thank God incredibly for Nancy, she labored with me for hours upon hours listening to my crying, analyzing with me, giving me hope and incredible support... So grateful!
I thank God for Daniela, who I'm sure knew what was coming, and even then she'd keep my hopes up, till the very death. And for Linda and ed, who, very simply turns my eyes upon Jesus in every trouble. And for Sherle and her whole family, who are desperately trying to adopt me, comfort me by having me over and giving me mounds of yummy apples and citruses... And for many other beautiful people God put on my path...
And... what hurts the most is that... not that he said to me he's suddenly not ready for a serious relationship, but that he was selling one so well, for so long, months of believing, and praying, and hoping, and waiting.... for effing nothing! He was selling it so perfectly and I bought it... I believed it with all of my heart and bought it with everything I had!
Once again I long for understanding and I don't get it.
He kept running away from talking, I pushed and hunted for him... until I snapped. It meant so much to me to have it resolved, to understand why, but he was so flippant about it that it made me snap. And I usually don't snap.
Oh how it all hurts! All he said and wrote is written in my heart, word for word... I can call him on every word he said to me, every word he texted.... on his promise he made to me. And he wouldn't release me of mine.... 'effort, here I come..' Bullshit.
I thank God for Henry. He's been a real friend, talking some sense into my crying heart, trying hard to make me see the reason... the sunshine.... and checking up on me every few days... I so appreciate that.
I thank God for Nat. She's always willing to listen and she's there for me... and is good at distracting me, too.
I thank God incredibly for Nancy, she labored with me for hours upon hours listening to my crying, analyzing with me, giving me hope and incredible support... So grateful!
I thank God for Daniela, who I'm sure knew what was coming, and even then she'd keep my hopes up, till the very death. And for Linda and ed, who, very simply turns my eyes upon Jesus in every trouble. And for Sherle and her whole family, who are desperately trying to adopt me, comfort me by having me over and giving me mounds of yummy apples and citruses... And for many other beautiful people God put on my path...
And... what hurts the most is that... not that he said to me he's suddenly not ready for a serious relationship, but that he was selling one so well, for so long, months of believing, and praying, and hoping, and waiting.... for effing nothing! He was selling it so perfectly and I bought it... I believed it with all of my heart and bought it with everything I had!
Tuesday, January 15, 2013
Jan 15
I would have lost heart, unless I had believed
That I would see the goodness of the Lord
In the land of the living.
That I would see the goodness of the Lord
In the land of the living.
Wait on the Lord;
Be of good courage,
And He shall strengthen your heart;
Wait, I say, on the Lord!
Be of good courage,
And He shall strengthen your heart;
Wait, I say, on the Lord!
That's Psalm 27:13-14
It holds me up, it gives me strength to get up in the morning when all is black and meaningless... God keeps me busy and He suceeds at keeping me distracted pretty well... but when I drive, when I'm home, or any time I'm alone.... I can't stop the waterfalls and aching sobs... I just can't... not yet...
This past weekend was pretty busy. I'd say amazing if I wasn't broken... Spent all Sabbath at the Central Church, hanging out in the media room and watching pastor Doug's sermon on over 15 tv screens.. I wanted to stay for a health lecture that was gonna start at 2pm, but somehow I ended up talking to people, and they sort of... made me... (I'm really gooey right now, no resolution on my own whatsoever) stay for lunch, then for women's ministry meeting. I had no clue what I was doing there, other than talking to some new faces... I was soo out of it... Then the health lecture prooved to be really basic and boring to me,so I scooted away for the Heritage Singers's concert in the main sanctuary but left after the 5th song... Sherle warned me that they'll be singing new 'worship' style melodies... she was right. On my way out I was stopped by Sheela and Duayne and they pulled me in to chat and eventually walked me to my car over an hour later... Such lovely people!
And on Sunday I hosted my first me-organized photoshoot with models. My brain wasn't working and somehow I thought it'll all get done by itself... so I left everything at the last minute. I reality, sometimes I just don't care about anything, but at the last minute I got a reality check and realized I'm responsible and people are counting on me, heartbreake or not, I had to step up and was scrambling up frantically, getting the props ready, the release forms, packing the car, gettting roses, fake snow I made the night before, picking up Paige -one of the models... I almost didn't eat. But the shoot was fun. The theme 'it's so cold outside' lived up to its name, we shot till we couldn't feel our fingers anymore. Then I went to Sacramento co op store to get some food... had nothing in my cupboard for a week.. didn't care. I still don't care much, but I realize I have to live....
I don't remember what I did yesterday... I know I was very busy after work, had to go somewhere... oooh, photography lecture by Antonio Genovia that I signed up for in downtown sac. Came home late and crashed.
And today after work I had the video camera operator training at Sac Central Church. The camera felt incredibly natural to me... wish I had more time to play with it. Really enjoyed the experience, and even 'modeled' for the other students up on stage, so that they could learn their zooming and focus... Gave them few challenges too. And just came home.
I can't listen to anything, it reminds me of all the past hurts, they're all put together now, everything reminds me of something and everything hurts. And yet the bare silence almost seems to be splitting my brain in half... I long for a lovely 3 hours of curling up under a blankie and reading.. but I can't focus, I think and cry... Sometimes my brain goes blank and I just sit and stare... and do nothing. And then I go to bed. Sometimes I wish I didn't exist for a while... It reminds me of when I was sick with RA and in pain all the time... only emotional pain seems a lot more painful now. I'm feeling quite sick and exausted. Tired of emotions, of feeling anything.
I miss him so much!
Yesterday I gave in and had soy hot chocolate from starbucks. I was texting Henry at that time and while in line, somebody grabs my arm. Henry was standing in line right behind me! I wanted to hug him, was so happy to see a friendly face, but I gave him a friendly punch. Quite strong. I seem to be doing a lot of things wrong lately... uncontrollably. I was on break and couldn't talk for long, but we chatted some... Just thought it was an interesting incident... or.. providential meeting? I dunno... I don't know anything these days... I just exist. And I'm so tired. Of life....
Thursday, January 10, 2013
Jan 10 - A douchebag!!!!!!
Another man broke my heart... broke promises... broke his words.... broke a soul.... God will avenge him for playing with already broken heart, pretending to mend it and comfort it and then changing his mind on a whim of... don't even know what... I'll find out. I will know. Or... God will heal him of his disfunction... because I still care... as a friend. We're all God's children, disfunctioned one way or another...
But still!
Such a DOUCHEBAG!
Life seems so empty now.. and so meaningless. A shock. Pain. Tears. I died but I'm still living.... Someone please tell me there is life after death...? Laughter after crying? Trust after hurt? Day after night?
I praise God for a tiny little handful of true friends who are willing to listen to me, bear with me and offer shoulders to cry on... Another lesson in life, another hole to crawl out of... so much harder this time around. Total surrender to God. Because I have nothing left of me anymore.
And God is sooo good... He allowed this to happen because He knew He gave me heart strong enough and hopefully I'll learn from this too... But in the meanwhile, while waiting for healing to start, I'm done with men because they're all DOUCHEBAGS!
But still!
Such a DOUCHEBAG!
Life seems so empty now.. and so meaningless. A shock. Pain. Tears. I died but I'm still living.... Someone please tell me there is life after death...? Laughter after crying? Trust after hurt? Day after night?
I praise God for a tiny little handful of true friends who are willing to listen to me, bear with me and offer shoulders to cry on... Another lesson in life, another hole to crawl out of... so much harder this time around. Total surrender to God. Because I have nothing left of me anymore.
And God is sooo good... He allowed this to happen because He knew He gave me heart strong enough and hopefully I'll learn from this too... But in the meanwhile, while waiting for healing to start, I'm done with men because they're all DOUCHEBAGS!
Tuesday, January 8, 2013
Jan 8
I just ordered two gallons of fake snow... with two day shipping, because I need it by Sunday for the photoshoot. I hope I get it on time... that, and my Russian Ushanka hat. I've been forgetting to do that because I've been so distraught that I couldn't think of anything else... But I came home and prayed and cried my heart out for hours and God showed mercy to me and gave me some clarity of mind and a fresh glimmer of hope. Every day I give my life to God. And I will not give up. He will deliver!
I'm going to have a busy week.. meetings with my models for wardrobe overview and signing the release forms.... prepping up for my very first photoshoot with models, fully organized by me, I HAVE TO deliver my best to my photogs. My group counts now over 80 members with new ones joining every few days...
And I need to mention that God gave me two paid photography jobs already. I went up an hour north of Redding to visit my dearest Nancy's family that just had a baby to give them a newborn photoshoot... and they paid me! I didn't ask for it, it was for my dearest friend, but they chose to pay me. Incredibly grateful! And this past Sunday I had somebody contact me for a family photoshoot, sort of last minute thing before her in-laws go back to North Carolina, so we went to the Capital Park and took some Capital Pictures! She loves them, and she saw only three... I'm still editing both shoots, because I don't have that much time, and lately, when I get home all I do is cry and pray... more like wail.... but no matter, each time I look at Jesus, He gives me glimmers of Hope!
I haven't been very sane lately.... it gets so hard sometimes... but God is good. He is truly GOOD!
I'm going to have a busy week.. meetings with my models for wardrobe overview and signing the release forms.... prepping up for my very first photoshoot with models, fully organized by me, I HAVE TO deliver my best to my photogs. My group counts now over 80 members with new ones joining every few days...
And I need to mention that God gave me two paid photography jobs already. I went up an hour north of Redding to visit my dearest Nancy's family that just had a baby to give them a newborn photoshoot... and they paid me! I didn't ask for it, it was for my dearest friend, but they chose to pay me. Incredibly grateful! And this past Sunday I had somebody contact me for a family photoshoot, sort of last minute thing before her in-laws go back to North Carolina, so we went to the Capital Park and took some Capital Pictures! She loves them, and she saw only three... I'm still editing both shoots, because I don't have that much time, and lately, when I get home all I do is cry and pray... more like wail.... but no matter, each time I look at Jesus, He gives me glimmers of Hope!
I haven't been very sane lately.... it gets so hard sometimes... but God is good. He is truly GOOD!
Jan 8 - :( :( :(
It's going to be 3 months in California soon. Today was in the 60s and it truly felt like spring was coming. My reception job is going on second month there, I honestly don't know how long it'll last, and they don't tell me anything. I'm pretty good at what I do, I can multitask like crazy, do phones, distribute mail, do orders, invoices, checks, balance money at the end of the day, set up appointments and reserve meetings, take in visitors and hunt down sales reps who forget to turn in their sales tags... Now that I mastered it all, I feel like I need another challenge, another something.
I"m going to admit it. It's hard. Extremaly hard. And this year is harder than I ever imagined. I was hoping the new year will be great, but it's horrible, and I feel like I'm in the same spot as I was last year... only this time around is worse: no family for support, no steady income, strange place with no seasoned friends, practically no belongings, nobody special to comfort me and offer heartfelt support.. but the heartache is the same, if not worse... yeah, it's worse. I'm trying to see the beautiful people and the beautiful wonders of this world, and the amazing places that God put me in... but I can't seem to see much now... all the little wonders, sometimes I do notice them... like that woodcutter I saw at the post office... or the woman with a bunny sitting outside of starbucks.... or all the pretty palm trees I pass everyday...
Right now I am where I am. I have no way of moving either way, I know God provided in miraculous ways for me to get here. I know that! So I'm right where I'm supposed to be... but why the heartaches???? Why the rejection? Again?
But I do need to live... haven't been eating anything, second day now... fasting, praying, holding onto the last glimmer of hope and faith, begging God for a miracle... I can only pray and see what happens, God wants us to expect great things from Him!
I"m going to admit it. It's hard. Extremaly hard. And this year is harder than I ever imagined. I was hoping the new year will be great, but it's horrible, and I feel like I'm in the same spot as I was last year... only this time around is worse: no family for support, no steady income, strange place with no seasoned friends, practically no belongings, nobody special to comfort me and offer heartfelt support.. but the heartache is the same, if not worse... yeah, it's worse. I'm trying to see the beautiful people and the beautiful wonders of this world, and the amazing places that God put me in... but I can't seem to see much now... all the little wonders, sometimes I do notice them... like that woodcutter I saw at the post office... or the woman with a bunny sitting outside of starbucks.... or all the pretty palm trees I pass everyday...
Right now I am where I am. I have no way of moving either way, I know God provided in miraculous ways for me to get here. I know that! So I'm right where I'm supposed to be... but why the heartaches???? Why the rejection? Again?
But I do need to live... haven't been eating anything, second day now... fasting, praying, holding onto the last glimmer of hope and faith, begging God for a miracle... I can only pray and see what happens, God wants us to expect great things from Him!
Saturday, January 5, 2013
Jan 4 - a recap
Welcome to the New Year 2013. I took a break from writing but I'm back. It's almost 3 months in California, lots has happened. But sometimes I sit back and marvel, as still can't believe I'm here. God has led me in most amazing way... And He provided and I know I'm in the right place. Just.. in transition. Don't know which way to go, which way to turn... some of it doesn't depend on me...
A recap:
1. God graciously gave me a temp job. I don't know why there, I don't know why... I'm glad I have a job, it pays the bills and rent, but I'm also glad it's a temp. In the midst of it all, I learned valuble lessons. I learned meekness and humbleness... learned how to keep my mouth shut sometimes, even in moments of unjustice. I learned how to multitask in an organized and cohesive way while keeping the stress at bay. I became comfortable with handling crazily huge amounts of money... was never able to do that comfortably before. And God taught me that hard work, effort and intergrity pays off. At the same time, I don't belong there. My uncle died an alcoholic. My other uncle, my aunt and her family, my other aunt and cousins and few people on my dad's side too, they're all broken people with destroyed lives, all because of alcohol. How, in all honesty can I.... But even Daniel had to work his best in the middle of Babylon. And that gives me hope. And God will lead onto the next step in life after this episode. So much to learn still.
2. Been meeting some amazing people on my journey. People with incredible stories... Some people just passed me by, some stayed for longer, and yet some came really close and began to care. My family here is expanding, and there are still sooooo many people to meet! Some families even try to adopt me, for which I'm beyond grateful! I love them all! And it's not like I try so hard to make connections, they just happen, it's like God is laying out the path for me to walk on, it's like the people just come to me and friend me... it's been amazing and oh how much I'd like to open my heart to them. Few people got to know me beyond deep and I'm so glad I have someone's shoulder to cry on.... been doing that a lot lately.
3. Photography has been an adventure. I have started my own photography club here in Sacramento, with now over 80 members and my first themed photoshoot with models coming up soon. Again, met some incredible photographers, beautiful models and it's only the beginning. With a number of photography projects in sight... Praying hard for my music now.. God gave me an AMAZING guitar, ah, the sound is beyond anything, so deep and sensual, utterly beautiful, but I need help; can't go any further on my own, so I've been praying for a guitar teacher. The right one will happen according to God's will. Though my fingers are still like butter -fingers, hahaha!
4. I have learned how to forgive. TRULY forgive. It was a hard lesson that followed after two weeks long depression... I came to a point of such intense anger and pain that I couldn't deal with reality anymore, couldn't handle my life the way it was. And the lesson came, and I learned how God forgives, to the point of forgetting, as if nothing happened before, just letting go and starting afresh... it was hard, but very possible. I learned patience. I learned - and still learning - how to deal with pain and broken heart, how to give my hurts and griefs to God, every day afresh.
------------------
So new year happened, first time in my whole life I spent it on my own, alone, in a strange, far away place... But it'll be a good year. Time to become an adult, time to end all childish charades and time to chose a path to follow. Time to go after what you truly believe in, having faith in God that He will open the right door in His right time.
-------------------
I fasted a day and a half. And prayed so incredibly much. I think I need to fast every Sabbath - what amazing clarity of mind! In fact, I feel my body to be just beyond disgusting and most food plain nasty... I don't know what's wrong with me here, but I feel I need to spend at least one week on just water... I just hear that calling to do that... which I don't really understand yet. But today I needed answers to my heartaches. And closer connection with God. As usual I spent the morning in the media room watching the whole media crew doing all that they do there (fascinating, I really love the switcher!). There was a potluck but I hang around talking to some people and then spent time in the dark sanctuary of Sac Central just to pray and meditate... and somebody came and began playing piano, the most amazing hymns ever... and the skin under my eyes burned, because it's known tears so much before. The Upper Room Bible study was beyond amazing! Again, I met so many incredible people, made connections and friends and we studied the Bible for nearly 3 hours! And even after that they wouldn't let me go for over an hour :)
I'm having a family photoshoot tomorrow in center city. Then meeting up with a friend, hopefully, and I'm hoping to talk some things out as well, then meeting with one of my models for wardrobe and release signing, hopefully making it home for Skype Bible study with Pete.... editing pictures... I so long to go back to running. Stress been taking a toll on me so much... I can't begin to be healthy until my heart finds peace.
I may be a little melodramatic now, where is your happiness Anya, I know, but I've been going through some serious heartaches and I need closure on things. To know if I can begin to grieve in peace or if my hope and care can beging to grow... So confused now. And sleepy! :) Good night till a better day! :)
A recap:
1. God graciously gave me a temp job. I don't know why there, I don't know why... I'm glad I have a job, it pays the bills and rent, but I'm also glad it's a temp. In the midst of it all, I learned valuble lessons. I learned meekness and humbleness... learned how to keep my mouth shut sometimes, even in moments of unjustice. I learned how to multitask in an organized and cohesive way while keeping the stress at bay. I became comfortable with handling crazily huge amounts of money... was never able to do that comfortably before. And God taught me that hard work, effort and intergrity pays off. At the same time, I don't belong there. My uncle died an alcoholic. My other uncle, my aunt and her family, my other aunt and cousins and few people on my dad's side too, they're all broken people with destroyed lives, all because of alcohol. How, in all honesty can I.... But even Daniel had to work his best in the middle of Babylon. And that gives me hope. And God will lead onto the next step in life after this episode. So much to learn still.
2. Been meeting some amazing people on my journey. People with incredible stories... Some people just passed me by, some stayed for longer, and yet some came really close and began to care. My family here is expanding, and there are still sooooo many people to meet! Some families even try to adopt me, for which I'm beyond grateful! I love them all! And it's not like I try so hard to make connections, they just happen, it's like God is laying out the path for me to walk on, it's like the people just come to me and friend me... it's been amazing and oh how much I'd like to open my heart to them. Few people got to know me beyond deep and I'm so glad I have someone's shoulder to cry on.... been doing that a lot lately.
3. Photography has been an adventure. I have started my own photography club here in Sacramento, with now over 80 members and my first themed photoshoot with models coming up soon. Again, met some incredible photographers, beautiful models and it's only the beginning. With a number of photography projects in sight... Praying hard for my music now.. God gave me an AMAZING guitar, ah, the sound is beyond anything, so deep and sensual, utterly beautiful, but I need help; can't go any further on my own, so I've been praying for a guitar teacher. The right one will happen according to God's will. Though my fingers are still like butter -fingers, hahaha!
4. I have learned how to forgive. TRULY forgive. It was a hard lesson that followed after two weeks long depression... I came to a point of such intense anger and pain that I couldn't deal with reality anymore, couldn't handle my life the way it was. And the lesson came, and I learned how God forgives, to the point of forgetting, as if nothing happened before, just letting go and starting afresh... it was hard, but very possible. I learned patience. I learned - and still learning - how to deal with pain and broken heart, how to give my hurts and griefs to God, every day afresh.
------------------
So new year happened, first time in my whole life I spent it on my own, alone, in a strange, far away place... But it'll be a good year. Time to become an adult, time to end all childish charades and time to chose a path to follow. Time to go after what you truly believe in, having faith in God that He will open the right door in His right time.
-------------------
I fasted a day and a half. And prayed so incredibly much. I think I need to fast every Sabbath - what amazing clarity of mind! In fact, I feel my body to be just beyond disgusting and most food plain nasty... I don't know what's wrong with me here, but I feel I need to spend at least one week on just water... I just hear that calling to do that... which I don't really understand yet. But today I needed answers to my heartaches. And closer connection with God. As usual I spent the morning in the media room watching the whole media crew doing all that they do there (fascinating, I really love the switcher!). There was a potluck but I hang around talking to some people and then spent time in the dark sanctuary of Sac Central just to pray and meditate... and somebody came and began playing piano, the most amazing hymns ever... and the skin under my eyes burned, because it's known tears so much before. The Upper Room Bible study was beyond amazing! Again, I met so many incredible people, made connections and friends and we studied the Bible for nearly 3 hours! And even after that they wouldn't let me go for over an hour :)
I'm having a family photoshoot tomorrow in center city. Then meeting up with a friend, hopefully, and I'm hoping to talk some things out as well, then meeting with one of my models for wardrobe and release signing, hopefully making it home for Skype Bible study with Pete.... editing pictures... I so long to go back to running. Stress been taking a toll on me so much... I can't begin to be healthy until my heart finds peace.
I may be a little melodramatic now, where is your happiness Anya, I know, but I've been going through some serious heartaches and I need closure on things. To know if I can begin to grieve in peace or if my hope and care can beging to grow... So confused now. And sleepy! :) Good night till a better day! :)
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