I think I've reached a breaking point. In everything!
I don't know anymore, I don't know what to do and how to get a job anymore. I feel stupid and helpless. I feel like I'm one big nothing, and no matter what I do, it just doesn't work. I can spend hours, and I'm still back where I started. Nothing seems to work. I may really end up under a bridge. Don't visit me there, I'll be too embarassed.
I pray for Divine Patience each time I enter the kitchen here. This man tops everything I've ever seen, he even tops some of my college roomies, and that's something.
I think I had forgiveness issues. For Big Brother. Because, as I searched my heart and asked God to show me, all the anger and frustrations have dissapeared. Replaced by measured and controlled wisdom, understanding and yet not foolishness. Finally, principles took over. Total emotional detachment.
Indifference, whateverness. No, not that. Never that.
Stiff fingers, either from post RA trauma or from cold. Who can help me get up at 7am? I can't seem to be able to pour freezing water on my own face... I forgot my laudry again, it's in the washer. Again. I'm going mad!
Something's gotta give, or I'll start punching walls soon.
Need to stay sane, at least tomorrow. Going to Thanksgiving dinner at Lesya's. Something lovely to look forward to. :)
Wednesday, November 21, 2012
Tuesday, November 20, 2012
Nov 19
Many wonderful things happened today :) It's always a good day when you start it with Jesus :)
1. I got an e-mail from someone from Amazing Facts, saying that I can meet with them to see what I'd like to volunteer with. Yeay, we'll see what happens with that - can't be too happy yet.
2. Got another e-mail from that dude about the dining set. He wants to buy it :) Yeay!!! He'll pick it up at Pete's early December for his new house. I can't believe how much this is going to help me!!! But it makes me think as well... firstly, I'm a bit overwhelmed at the amount of money God sent my way, just to provide for my move and overall... all together I could almost buy another new Toyota Yaris with it.. wow!!! God is sooo good. And now, as I'm on a verge of running out of money He sends another couple of thousands my way... But does that mean that I'll be without a job for another while???? I'm nobody to say how God works, but I know that He provides, one way or another, if not with a job, then with money, He said I won't go hungry... and I know sometimes I think more about photography, music, art and everything else more than about getting a job, but I'm really really really trying... the search itself, the cover letters, the descriptions and demands, they all overwhelm me sometimes... And lately, as I pray, I got into just wondering and asking what's the purpose of it all, what's going on, what's the reason that I'm still unemployed, it's a journely alright but do I need to do something? Do I need to search my heart? Do I need to change something about myself, or be somewhere before I get a job, meet someone... all these things just run through my head, and I ask for answers, but it's not the answers God wants to give me, but more faith, and patience, and submitting to His will at His time.
3. I went to Job One again and signed up for one on one coaching. I was most displeased with it! It's a church ran ministry, and they give you the option to volunteer there if you'd like. Each Monday morning starts with 15-20 minutes devotions, one person leading it for about 30-50 people, so I said I'd like to do a devotions too, and they weren't too keen on letting me. Hmmm... that's one thing. Back to the coaching, I had ten thousand questions and needed some real time professional advice (because I really am pretty lost at this job search thing, I mean, I feel like I don't even know what I'm doing anymore...). So this woman, she clearly didn't even know how to listen. I ask a question on which orientation I put on my card and she goes off on where I can get them. I know where I can get them, I can make them myself if I want to... or I ask which direction I should go because I have so many interests, and she goes off on about how interesting my life's journey is... I mean really! And then she starts on religion, how I really should do devotions, and trust God... all is well, but she never even asked if I'm a Christian, I may have been a buddist or a muslim, I told her I do read my Bible and do my devotions but she wouldn't listen and started shoving me one of the mainstream protestant devotions that I really don't care about. At the end I just gave up on getting any professional help, thanked her and took that wretched book. Maybe next time I see her I can give her one of my devotions, and we'll be square :) --------------> actually no. 3 is not one of the wonderful things that happened today...
4. But I got a brainwave today and I'm pretty excited about it. The organizer for one of my photography groups stepped down and the whole group will dissolve if somebody doesn't step up as an organizer and a leader. So I realllllllyyyyyy got a brainwave!!!! :) But I know nothing about booking models, make up artists and contacting venues. So I sent e-mails to few people, leaders of other photo groups, as well as that former one that stepped down. I think nobody wants to share their secrets because nobody replied, except the one that just left. So I started learning how to do things. I love organizing, I've organized church events before and I really enjoy making things happen. And I have so many ideas for shoots!!! Maaaan!!! I was to do a b/w one, a winter wonderland, one all about health (with all the fruits, veggies and greens to model with, man, fun!), woodland warriors one, cowgirl extravaganza (already am friends with one model who has access to horses!!) and whatever else my brain comes up with... We can do day trips to Tahoe, and shoots by the ocean.. once I learn a bit of California that is. It isn't all that fun traveling by yourself... Anyway, I'm still thinking about it, and apparently one can make a tiny bit of money off it too. I gotta sleep on it.
I'm still struggling with Martin, must be doing something wrong cuz the pain now goes up my whole arm and can't do much after a whle. My hand runs a bit smoother nonetheless. I'm sick of pain!
1. I got an e-mail from someone from Amazing Facts, saying that I can meet with them to see what I'd like to volunteer with. Yeay, we'll see what happens with that - can't be too happy yet.
2. Got another e-mail from that dude about the dining set. He wants to buy it :) Yeay!!! He'll pick it up at Pete's early December for his new house. I can't believe how much this is going to help me!!! But it makes me think as well... firstly, I'm a bit overwhelmed at the amount of money God sent my way, just to provide for my move and overall... all together I could almost buy another new Toyota Yaris with it.. wow!!! God is sooo good. And now, as I'm on a verge of running out of money He sends another couple of thousands my way... But does that mean that I'll be without a job for another while???? I'm nobody to say how God works, but I know that He provides, one way or another, if not with a job, then with money, He said I won't go hungry... and I know sometimes I think more about photography, music, art and everything else more than about getting a job, but I'm really really really trying... the search itself, the cover letters, the descriptions and demands, they all overwhelm me sometimes... And lately, as I pray, I got into just wondering and asking what's the purpose of it all, what's going on, what's the reason that I'm still unemployed, it's a journely alright but do I need to do something? Do I need to search my heart? Do I need to change something about myself, or be somewhere before I get a job, meet someone... all these things just run through my head, and I ask for answers, but it's not the answers God wants to give me, but more faith, and patience, and submitting to His will at His time.
3. I went to Job One again and signed up for one on one coaching. I was most displeased with it! It's a church ran ministry, and they give you the option to volunteer there if you'd like. Each Monday morning starts with 15-20 minutes devotions, one person leading it for about 30-50 people, so I said I'd like to do a devotions too, and they weren't too keen on letting me. Hmmm... that's one thing. Back to the coaching, I had ten thousand questions and needed some real time professional advice (because I really am pretty lost at this job search thing, I mean, I feel like I don't even know what I'm doing anymore...). So this woman, she clearly didn't even know how to listen. I ask a question on which orientation I put on my card and she goes off on where I can get them. I know where I can get them, I can make them myself if I want to... or I ask which direction I should go because I have so many interests, and she goes off on about how interesting my life's journey is... I mean really! And then she starts on religion, how I really should do devotions, and trust God... all is well, but she never even asked if I'm a Christian, I may have been a buddist or a muslim, I told her I do read my Bible and do my devotions but she wouldn't listen and started shoving me one of the mainstream protestant devotions that I really don't care about. At the end I just gave up on getting any professional help, thanked her and took that wretched book. Maybe next time I see her I can give her one of my devotions, and we'll be square :) --------------> actually no. 3 is not one of the wonderful things that happened today...
4. But I got a brainwave today and I'm pretty excited about it. The organizer for one of my photography groups stepped down and the whole group will dissolve if somebody doesn't step up as an organizer and a leader. So I realllllllyyyyyy got a brainwave!!!! :) But I know nothing about booking models, make up artists and contacting venues. So I sent e-mails to few people, leaders of other photo groups, as well as that former one that stepped down. I think nobody wants to share their secrets because nobody replied, except the one that just left. So I started learning how to do things. I love organizing, I've organized church events before and I really enjoy making things happen. And I have so many ideas for shoots!!! Maaaan!!! I was to do a b/w one, a winter wonderland, one all about health (with all the fruits, veggies and greens to model with, man, fun!), woodland warriors one, cowgirl extravaganza (already am friends with one model who has access to horses!!) and whatever else my brain comes up with... We can do day trips to Tahoe, and shoots by the ocean.. once I learn a bit of California that is. It isn't all that fun traveling by yourself... Anyway, I'm still thinking about it, and apparently one can make a tiny bit of money off it too. I gotta sleep on it.
I'm still struggling with Martin, must be doing something wrong cuz the pain now goes up my whole arm and can't do much after a whle. My hand runs a bit smoother nonetheless. I'm sick of pain!
Sunday, November 18, 2012
Nov 18
Went running :) Legs screamed in protest the first lap, but it felt good. I ran with music today and most of the run I watched an amazing movie of me playing guitar and banjo in a great country band, doing a gig in sac. :) I even sang one song!
Easy, quiet day, was gonna go to the fish hatchery but it looked rainy... played with Martin today, maaaan, my hand joints hurt and my pinky gets stuck and just won't bend. It's an uphill battle now but I'll get there. I'll beat my fingers into submission if I have to!
I lifted, I searched and applied to jobs, talked with Pete - the dude came to see the dining set and likes it. Wants to buy it but of course, wants me to lower the price because there are few nicks here and there. I prayed about the price and decided to drop it 300 for him as my final asking price. If he takes that, maaaan, it'll help me financially so much! My resources here are dwindling fast, and with no job right now it'll help me out for next two months, if, IF I live pretty tightly.
I still can't get over avocados... I devour them, my body craves them... and the co op store in sac has them - organic mind you - for 79 cents a piece! Ha, compare that to 1.50 a piece for conventionally grown, in PA. :) For that alone I love California!!! :)
I think my patience cup with Dick and this place is filling up. And yet I know, I know that I'm here for a reason! Could it be Rolan??? He said he'll call me back this week. It was nothing short of miracle how I got this place, and yet..... the house is almost always cold! COLD!!! My room has no heating. My room is tiny, pretty awkward too.. but I do have a bed to sleep on, a ghetto desk and a chair, aaand a dresser, and Dick made me a closet before I came... but the house is always, ALWAYS filthy!!!! If I don't hit the vacum, nobody ever vacums. There are leaves from outside on the floor. When Dick drops something, he never bothers to pick it up. There are receipt under the table from two weeks ago. His disgusting dirty frying pan sits there for nearly a week... It seems it's only me that sweeps and washes the kitchen floor because nobody else will do it, my roomies refuse to be Dicks house cleaners, which I understand, but Dick thinks that because he rents to women, they'll take care of the inside of the house (like his wife used to I'm sure!!) and he'll do the outside. Problem is he does neither. Sometimes we lose electricty, last time it was because he didn't pay on time. Kim had to lend him the money to pay. I'm too disgusted to touch anything in the kitchen unless I wipe it clean first. Dick will cut meat right on the counter and leave the disgusting bits just lying around for days!!!! We all have to clean up after him. He eats other people's food without asking, and then gets upset that we actually did mind it! He won't buy any paper towels but uses mine if I leave it standing, he wipes his sweaty face in kitchen towels and leaves it for others to use (yuck!), only me and Kim clean the stove top, and the fridge stinks, no matter if I clean it or not!!!! Ayayay!!!!! One time I took out my glass dish to bake potatoes in it, and Dick dripped his wine all over it and left it like that, not bothering to clean up... :( His living room is filthy again, but I won't clean it up for him again. Nobody goes there but him. But I'm glad for the washer and dryer. And the fact that I can wash and vacum my car anytime I want...
What to do? For now I'm here, God provides, I have bed, roof over my head, clothes and food, working car with gas in it, internet (mostly!) and phone, my Cannon, Martin, my books, somehow I still pay my bills.. I'm not in pain. I can go running. God is good! Can't really complain :)
Easy, quiet day, was gonna go to the fish hatchery but it looked rainy... played with Martin today, maaaan, my hand joints hurt and my pinky gets stuck and just won't bend. It's an uphill battle now but I'll get there. I'll beat my fingers into submission if I have to!
I lifted, I searched and applied to jobs, talked with Pete - the dude came to see the dining set and likes it. Wants to buy it but of course, wants me to lower the price because there are few nicks here and there. I prayed about the price and decided to drop it 300 for him as my final asking price. If he takes that, maaaan, it'll help me financially so much! My resources here are dwindling fast, and with no job right now it'll help me out for next two months, if, IF I live pretty tightly.
I still can't get over avocados... I devour them, my body craves them... and the co op store in sac has them - organic mind you - for 79 cents a piece! Ha, compare that to 1.50 a piece for conventionally grown, in PA. :) For that alone I love California!!! :)
I think my patience cup with Dick and this place is filling up. And yet I know, I know that I'm here for a reason! Could it be Rolan??? He said he'll call me back this week. It was nothing short of miracle how I got this place, and yet..... the house is almost always cold! COLD!!! My room has no heating. My room is tiny, pretty awkward too.. but I do have a bed to sleep on, a ghetto desk and a chair, aaand a dresser, and Dick made me a closet before I came... but the house is always, ALWAYS filthy!!!! If I don't hit the vacum, nobody ever vacums. There are leaves from outside on the floor. When Dick drops something, he never bothers to pick it up. There are receipt under the table from two weeks ago. His disgusting dirty frying pan sits there for nearly a week... It seems it's only me that sweeps and washes the kitchen floor because nobody else will do it, my roomies refuse to be Dicks house cleaners, which I understand, but Dick thinks that because he rents to women, they'll take care of the inside of the house (like his wife used to I'm sure!!) and he'll do the outside. Problem is he does neither. Sometimes we lose electricty, last time it was because he didn't pay on time. Kim had to lend him the money to pay. I'm too disgusted to touch anything in the kitchen unless I wipe it clean first. Dick will cut meat right on the counter and leave the disgusting bits just lying around for days!!!! We all have to clean up after him. He eats other people's food without asking, and then gets upset that we actually did mind it! He won't buy any paper towels but uses mine if I leave it standing, he wipes his sweaty face in kitchen towels and leaves it for others to use (yuck!), only me and Kim clean the stove top, and the fridge stinks, no matter if I clean it or not!!!! Ayayay!!!!! One time I took out my glass dish to bake potatoes in it, and Dick dripped his wine all over it and left it like that, not bothering to clean up... :( His living room is filthy again, but I won't clean it up for him again. Nobody goes there but him. But I'm glad for the washer and dryer. And the fact that I can wash and vacum my car anytime I want...
What to do? For now I'm here, God provides, I have bed, roof over my head, clothes and food, working car with gas in it, internet (mostly!) and phone, my Cannon, Martin, my books, somehow I still pay my bills.. I'm not in pain. I can go running. God is good! Can't really complain :)
Saturday, November 17, 2012
Nov 17
How is it 17th already??? I don't get it, where did it all go?
I had a lovely Sabbath. Went to Central church and Jim kept me company, so nice of him! The person I was going to talk to wasn't there, but I got a contact info, and aparently they know about me already. :) Got home little late, around 2pm actually because I we were talking, and I wanted to make the afternoon concert. Tough, because when I was making my green wrap, Irina, my other roomie came and started spilling her love problems again :) So we talked and she asked about mine, she knows my story and where I am right now, maaaan, it's not easy being a girl in these messed up times!
Of course I was late for the concert, but on my way in I met Jim again, and he was so kind, showed me around, decided to stick around for the concert and we got to talk more afterwards. This is it, I'm happiest when I'm in good, positive and fun people's company. Dear God, I want to meet half Californiaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I sound like some socially deprived case.... LOL! :)
Anyway, I've been in touch with this guy who wants to come and look at the dining set (and possibly buy it) but by now I think he's upset with me. It's hard to keep in touch with these time zones, I get home too late to call him and he keeps calling in the wrongest times! And I've got to communicate with my brother, who actually holds the set for me. It's been one big of a mess,I hope I can pull it off.
And I'm double back on my knees: my parents are being attacked by satan left and right, constant struggles and problems they're been encountering... and now this! Dad was gonna have a sermon on the end times and secret societies in Lidzbark Warmninski, but so happened that yesterday somebody asked him to help him chop some wood. I don't know why dad ended up on a ladder, but he fell off it and broke his leg. Rigth before that very Sabbath that he was gonna preach. On top of that, they were going from town to town and nobody would help dad! So sad, but that's idiotic Polish reality. Praise God they finally found some hospital and dad will have a surgery on monday. But now come to think on it, what if satan was trying to actually really really injure dad, and heavenly angels softened the fall so that only a leg was broken? I praise God it was only a leg!!!!!! And Pete (who I got the info from, I can't call parents anymore, no money... ) said dad will preach the sermon anyway :) Truly praise God!
I really want to talk to someone... to unload my frustration. I see it, and it scares me a bit, because the unresolved past keeps killing anything good that I may/may have or could/could have ever have/had for Big Brother. And it keeps going away and away, little by little.... Like a plant, unwatered, uncultivated, left alone and unattended it starts withering away. I've been reading Christ's Object Lessons and two days ago I came to a chapter on forgiveness. Is that my issue? Maybe I just am not able to forgive? And this hurts everything, including the job. Jesus never asked for 'I'm sorry', He forgave. I just don't know where I am with that, but I can't get rid of the hurt, it never left, and not it turns to anger. So I've been praying, for help with that, God taught me how to push it away, but sometimes it comes back. But even pushed away, it never leaves. It craves resolution, explanation, understanding, closure. And only one person in the world can give it.
I had a lovely Sabbath. Went to Central church and Jim kept me company, so nice of him! The person I was going to talk to wasn't there, but I got a contact info, and aparently they know about me already. :) Got home little late, around 2pm actually because I we were talking, and I wanted to make the afternoon concert. Tough, because when I was making my green wrap, Irina, my other roomie came and started spilling her love problems again :) So we talked and she asked about mine, she knows my story and where I am right now, maaaan, it's not easy being a girl in these messed up times!
Of course I was late for the concert, but on my way in I met Jim again, and he was so kind, showed me around, decided to stick around for the concert and we got to talk more afterwards. This is it, I'm happiest when I'm in good, positive and fun people's company. Dear God, I want to meet half Californiaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I sound like some socially deprived case.... LOL! :)
Anyway, I've been in touch with this guy who wants to come and look at the dining set (and possibly buy it) but by now I think he's upset with me. It's hard to keep in touch with these time zones, I get home too late to call him and he keeps calling in the wrongest times! And I've got to communicate with my brother, who actually holds the set for me. It's been one big of a mess,I hope I can pull it off.
And I'm double back on my knees: my parents are being attacked by satan left and right, constant struggles and problems they're been encountering... and now this! Dad was gonna have a sermon on the end times and secret societies in Lidzbark Warmninski, but so happened that yesterday somebody asked him to help him chop some wood. I don't know why dad ended up on a ladder, but he fell off it and broke his leg. Rigth before that very Sabbath that he was gonna preach. On top of that, they were going from town to town and nobody would help dad! So sad, but that's idiotic Polish reality. Praise God they finally found some hospital and dad will have a surgery on monday. But now come to think on it, what if satan was trying to actually really really injure dad, and heavenly angels softened the fall so that only a leg was broken? I praise God it was only a leg!!!!!! And Pete (who I got the info from, I can't call parents anymore, no money... ) said dad will preach the sermon anyway :) Truly praise God!
I really want to talk to someone... to unload my frustration. I see it, and it scares me a bit, because the unresolved past keeps killing anything good that I may/may have or could/could have ever have/had for Big Brother. And it keeps going away and away, little by little.... Like a plant, unwatered, uncultivated, left alone and unattended it starts withering away. I've been reading Christ's Object Lessons and two days ago I came to a chapter on forgiveness. Is that my issue? Maybe I just am not able to forgive? And this hurts everything, including the job. Jesus never asked for 'I'm sorry', He forgave. I just don't know where I am with that, but I can't get rid of the hurt, it never left, and not it turns to anger. So I've been praying, for help with that, God taught me how to push it away, but sometimes it comes back. But even pushed away, it never leaves. It craves resolution, explanation, understanding, closure. And only one person in the world can give it.
Friday, November 16, 2012
Nov 16
Being a single girl in a new state, and without family around sure ain't easy. But when I look at where I've been, and what I went through, the pain and literal hell on earth, and how God brought me through it, and then how He provided, took care of and lead me all the way here, when I think of all I went through this year I know that God will keep on leading me on. He won't leave me nor forsake me. He'll provide. And He'll give me strength to keep on going. No matter how hard it gets.
I had a job offer. Full time and pretty decent pay for starters. But they required me to work Friday nights, and that's God's Sabbath, from Friday sundown to Saturday sundown. I can't break God's commandments. They asked me to 'rethink' the Sabbath, but I can't break God's commandments. Period. God's been too good to me to disobey. And that's not even a reason. So I'm back to square one, still looking for a job. I don't regret the decision, I never would!!! Just the other day I was reading The Ministry of Healing, and it said that God has thousands of ways to provide for us, of which we know nothing!!! But sometimes He waits, so that His will be done and He'll be glorified. That gave much such courage, and increased my faith in God, knowing that in His time, He'll place me right where I belong. He knows my heart more than I know it myself. And that's beautiful!
Been playing with Martin a lot, to the poin that I had to stop. My fingers were ready to blister. But I'll pick him up tomorrow. My tuner and strap finally came so I could tune him more properly. Wish he could talk. I miss talking with Jennifer, so very much, it always used to put my head straight. The moment I get a job, I'll set up an appointment with her!!!! But now I don't even have anybody to talk to, and I mean anybody to unload about Big Brother. And job issues. I talk to Jesus a lot :) I like it so much!!!! But I still wish Martin would talk. Or at least listen with understanding. :)
I am slowly making new, beautiful friends here. God knew what He was doing by putting them on my path, Linda and Ed especially, they're like family to me! But I'm hungry for more!!!! :):):) And I want to eat now!!! :D I'm excited about tomorrow, I wonder what will happen. I want to wiggle my way into the media ministry in central, I want to be behind a camera so badly!!!! Last time I was there I had hard time concentrating, was watching this girl behind the jib arm all the time, couldn't stop. It's like a whole new world there, moving pictures, something so beyond me, fascinating!!! It almost eats me up! :)
This past Monday I went to Job One, a career services ran by some church; Big Mama told me about it about two weeks ago, and I so wish I went two weeks ago. It was sooooo good! From 8:30 till 4pm non stop something's going on, from classes, sessions, comp learning, mock interview practices, one on one training, resume workshops... incredible! I met so many lovely people...!!! First half day was orientation for new members (I had to pay one time fee for the materials and handouts) and then after lunch I went to an amazing skill assesment seminar. Really really incredible!!!!! And it was all hands on, we were doing the work and activities in small groups (with total strangers that are like you, looking for a job, but friends very soon!!!), the instructor had little to do, LOL :) I've learned so much! Now I understand why my resume sending out doesn't really work. I understood how networking is the key to getting a job and how to find those hidden jobs. And I got an insight that in reality, there are many many jobs out there, just the process of looking for a job has changed dramatically over the last few years, mainly due to the economy. I still don't know exacly how to go about getting a job, buuuut! All in God's hands; and in the meanwhile, I'll be back to Job One this Monday - it happens every Monday, alwasy with different activities. I'm so grateful that Big Mama told me about it!!!!!!
Big Brother. I had to make some decisions. I read this amazing book 'Boundaries' (ironically suggested to by Big Brother, but I can see how it can help him big time - knowing that little bit of his personality) and suddenly I began to understand something. Something, that I believe will help me tremendously. It may not help with the hurt I still feel - that's where talking to a friend steps in, and eventually, clearning it out. But I realized how I made a huuuuuuge mistake by allowing myself to see and talk to him. Even in such innocent situations as going down to BV. So. I was left heartbroken. Anybody would. I hurt and couldn't deal with it. Pain. But all he did was to give me a list of reasons (excuses) on why he acted that way and that's it. And from then on went acting as if nothing happened. Now. This is unacceptable. There are consequences to every action. How will he learn that that was beyond hurtful and immature? Especially if I feed into it, fueled by my own desires and feelings? I kicked him out of my FB friends. Right now, he does not deserve to be there. He doesn't deserve to see me, whether he has any feelings left or not. I made a resolution to not go down to BV for the next graduation (oooh, how much I want to do that though, for the testimonies... ayayayay!!!!) either. He will not see me until he clears out the old rubbish lying around. He needs to understand what he did and why it was hurtful, and understand to not do this again, to any other girl that may come his way, and to tell me, straight in my face, with understanding that he's sorry. Because he never even bothered to apologize. And I want a clearance on where he is right now, so I can move on. Left or right, but move on.
Good plan! :)
EDIT: Ooooooooh, one more thing!!!!!!!!!!! All the sucking up he does, makes me sick! I don't care if he comments on other people's posts, but such sucking up to that actress-wanna-be-or-whatever-she-is-who-cares with his pathetic 'hugs' and 'beautiful hearts'.... he can go and have her heart if it's so beautiful, wanking after another pretty face, repeating same broken phrases to her!!!!!! I can see it, like a dog with a waggin' tail between his legs, makes me soooooo sick!!!!!!!! Such MALE! Does he bother comment on any of my pics? No, not even 'that's ugly' or whatever, but hankering after almost every one of her posts and pics. I think I'm gonna puke, right on my laptop all over his and her face! If her heart is so beautiful let him go after that bleached blonde %#$&#$! but there is nothing for him to look after here. Not anymore! And if he does, I'll gladly double crack his nuts for being such insufferable nuthead!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
There!!!!!! I had ny say!
I had a job offer. Full time and pretty decent pay for starters. But they required me to work Friday nights, and that's God's Sabbath, from Friday sundown to Saturday sundown. I can't break God's commandments. They asked me to 'rethink' the Sabbath, but I can't break God's commandments. Period. God's been too good to me to disobey. And that's not even a reason. So I'm back to square one, still looking for a job. I don't regret the decision, I never would!!! Just the other day I was reading The Ministry of Healing, and it said that God has thousands of ways to provide for us, of which we know nothing!!! But sometimes He waits, so that His will be done and He'll be glorified. That gave much such courage, and increased my faith in God, knowing that in His time, He'll place me right where I belong. He knows my heart more than I know it myself. And that's beautiful!
Been playing with Martin a lot, to the poin that I had to stop. My fingers were ready to blister. But I'll pick him up tomorrow. My tuner and strap finally came so I could tune him more properly. Wish he could talk. I miss talking with Jennifer, so very much, it always used to put my head straight. The moment I get a job, I'll set up an appointment with her!!!! But now I don't even have anybody to talk to, and I mean anybody to unload about Big Brother. And job issues. I talk to Jesus a lot :) I like it so much!!!! But I still wish Martin would talk. Or at least listen with understanding. :)
I am slowly making new, beautiful friends here. God knew what He was doing by putting them on my path, Linda and Ed especially, they're like family to me! But I'm hungry for more!!!! :):):) And I want to eat now!!! :D I'm excited about tomorrow, I wonder what will happen. I want to wiggle my way into the media ministry in central, I want to be behind a camera so badly!!!! Last time I was there I had hard time concentrating, was watching this girl behind the jib arm all the time, couldn't stop. It's like a whole new world there, moving pictures, something so beyond me, fascinating!!! It almost eats me up! :)
This past Monday I went to Job One, a career services ran by some church; Big Mama told me about it about two weeks ago, and I so wish I went two weeks ago. It was sooooo good! From 8:30 till 4pm non stop something's going on, from classes, sessions, comp learning, mock interview practices, one on one training, resume workshops... incredible! I met so many lovely people...!!! First half day was orientation for new members (I had to pay one time fee for the materials and handouts) and then after lunch I went to an amazing skill assesment seminar. Really really incredible!!!!! And it was all hands on, we were doing the work and activities in small groups (with total strangers that are like you, looking for a job, but friends very soon!!!), the instructor had little to do, LOL :) I've learned so much! Now I understand why my resume sending out doesn't really work. I understood how networking is the key to getting a job and how to find those hidden jobs. And I got an insight that in reality, there are many many jobs out there, just the process of looking for a job has changed dramatically over the last few years, mainly due to the economy. I still don't know exacly how to go about getting a job, buuuut! All in God's hands; and in the meanwhile, I'll be back to Job One this Monday - it happens every Monday, alwasy with different activities. I'm so grateful that Big Mama told me about it!!!!!!
Big Brother. I had to make some decisions. I read this amazing book 'Boundaries' (ironically suggested to by Big Brother, but I can see how it can help him big time - knowing that little bit of his personality) and suddenly I began to understand something. Something, that I believe will help me tremendously. It may not help with the hurt I still feel - that's where talking to a friend steps in, and eventually, clearning it out. But I realized how I made a huuuuuuge mistake by allowing myself to see and talk to him. Even in such innocent situations as going down to BV. So. I was left heartbroken. Anybody would. I hurt and couldn't deal with it. Pain. But all he did was to give me a list of reasons (excuses) on why he acted that way and that's it. And from then on went acting as if nothing happened. Now. This is unacceptable. There are consequences to every action. How will he learn that that was beyond hurtful and immature? Especially if I feed into it, fueled by my own desires and feelings? I kicked him out of my FB friends. Right now, he does not deserve to be there. He doesn't deserve to see me, whether he has any feelings left or not. I made a resolution to not go down to BV for the next graduation (oooh, how much I want to do that though, for the testimonies... ayayayay!!!!) either. He will not see me until he clears out the old rubbish lying around. He needs to understand what he did and why it was hurtful, and understand to not do this again, to any other girl that may come his way, and to tell me, straight in my face, with understanding that he's sorry. Because he never even bothered to apologize. And I want a clearance on where he is right now, so I can move on. Left or right, but move on.
Good plan! :)
EDIT: Ooooooooh, one more thing!!!!!!!!!!! All the sucking up he does, makes me sick! I don't care if he comments on other people's posts, but such sucking up to that actress-wanna-be-or-whatever-she-is-who-cares with his pathetic 'hugs' and 'beautiful hearts'.... he can go and have her heart if it's so beautiful, wanking after another pretty face, repeating same broken phrases to her!!!!!! I can see it, like a dog with a waggin' tail between his legs, makes me soooooo sick!!!!!!!! Such MALE! Does he bother comment on any of my pics? No, not even 'that's ugly' or whatever, but hankering after almost every one of her posts and pics. I think I'm gonna puke, right on my laptop all over his and her face! If her heart is so beautiful let him go after that bleached blonde %#$&#$! but there is nothing for him to look after here. Not anymore! And if he does, I'll gladly double crack his nuts for being such insufferable nuthead!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
There!!!!!! I had ny say!
Monday, November 12, 2012
Nov 12
I think I've been doing a lot of whining lately...
No reason, I'm taken care of. May not have a paycheck yet, but I have food, place to live, bed to sleep on, phone and internet, clothes and a car with gas in it. My camera and Martin. That's all I need. :)
Friday at Linda's was amazing, stayed there all day till like 9:30pm! And Sabbath spent at Lesya's place. Again, till like 8pm. Was gonna go to fish hatchery on Sunday, but I don't even remember what I did on Sunday, Oh, I edited my Indian Festival pics half the day, talked to my brother, listened to some sermons etc. Didn't do job search, somehow. Felt lazy and somewhat brokenhearted too. Interesting how the past likes to linger sometimes :)
Today I went to Job One Career Coaching, as Big Mama suggested. Amazing place, from early morning till about 4pm, I've learned so much! And met some beautiful people too!!!!! :) Now I know why all my efforts of sending out resumes didn't quite work, but I still don't know how to go about properly looking for a job. Don't even need a career now, just something that will put me on my feet and bring a cash flow. Been craving salad so much today, came home and watched Bridget Jones while stuffing my mouth with greens. It turns out I'm very much like her, or worse, had my heart broken twice in a single year, minus the drinking and smoking, lol! Makes me think how much stronger women are than men and how much heartaches men cause. Hmmm... I think I'm starting to have aversion to men - because I vowed I will not use the word hate about anyone. :) :) :)
No reason, I'm taken care of. May not have a paycheck yet, but I have food, place to live, bed to sleep on, phone and internet, clothes and a car with gas in it. My camera and Martin. That's all I need. :)
Friday at Linda's was amazing, stayed there all day till like 9:30pm! And Sabbath spent at Lesya's place. Again, till like 8pm. Was gonna go to fish hatchery on Sunday, but I don't even remember what I did on Sunday, Oh, I edited my Indian Festival pics half the day, talked to my brother, listened to some sermons etc. Didn't do job search, somehow. Felt lazy and somewhat brokenhearted too. Interesting how the past likes to linger sometimes :)
Today I went to Job One Career Coaching, as Big Mama suggested. Amazing place, from early morning till about 4pm, I've learned so much! And met some beautiful people too!!!!! :) Now I know why all my efforts of sending out resumes didn't quite work, but I still don't know how to go about properly looking for a job. Don't even need a career now, just something that will put me on my feet and bring a cash flow. Been craving salad so much today, came home and watched Bridget Jones while stuffing my mouth with greens. It turns out I'm very much like her, or worse, had my heart broken twice in a single year, minus the drinking and smoking, lol! Makes me think how much stronger women are than men and how much heartaches men cause. Hmmm... I think I'm starting to have aversion to men - because I vowed I will not use the word hate about anyone. :) :) :)
Friday, November 9, 2012
Nov 9
God is so good!
It was a terrible night last night, I realized I had to close certain chapters of my life and move on. I wrote a poem about it but it came out awkward I think, couldn't convey the emotions I felt, because they were too obvious and so raw. And I was too afraid to write something obvious and raw. One day soon I will though. But it hurt, and I couldn't fall asleep, and I was thinking and the more I thought the more I hurt, and the more I hurt the more I cried, and the more I cried the more my nose got stuffy, and the more my nose got stuffy the more I couldn't sleep, and the more I couldn't sleep the more I thought..... on and on....
Till early morning hours. For the first time ever since coming here a thought crossed my mind that maybe I've done a very foolish, foolish thing by moving here. But then I brushed the thought aside and chose to enjoy my life.
Meeting at Linda's today at noon, and I slept till past 10am. I so needed it. Would have slept longer if I could. But the day was a blessing, what a blessing, God gave me another little token of His divine love, and He knows how to cheer me up every single time. It may not be the cheering up I'm longing for but it works wonders and God knows what I need at this time. Had lunch with amazing people at Linda's and spend a whole day at her place, went for a 4 miles hike, then did Bible studies and started Sabbath, and talked, and had amazing evening snacks, and met up with amazing people for a night walk, and then us three girls kept on walking for 1.5 hour and talking, talking, talking... Praise God He put godly Christian friends on my path, such loving people, such encouragement in growing in faith, and praising God together and sharing! Maaaaan, unbelievable, how can I not love people! How can I not love God???? And He knew what I needed... So tired but so greateful, and yes, happy too! Ah, I could write so much but my fingers are so stiff from cold... and I didn't see Martin today, but I'm gonna see him now a little, read my Bible and go to sleep.
It was a terrible night last night, I realized I had to close certain chapters of my life and move on. I wrote a poem about it but it came out awkward I think, couldn't convey the emotions I felt, because they were too obvious and so raw. And I was too afraid to write something obvious and raw. One day soon I will though. But it hurt, and I couldn't fall asleep, and I was thinking and the more I thought the more I hurt, and the more I hurt the more I cried, and the more I cried the more my nose got stuffy, and the more my nose got stuffy the more I couldn't sleep, and the more I couldn't sleep the more I thought..... on and on....
Till early morning hours. For the first time ever since coming here a thought crossed my mind that maybe I've done a very foolish, foolish thing by moving here. But then I brushed the thought aside and chose to enjoy my life.
Meeting at Linda's today at noon, and I slept till past 10am. I so needed it. Would have slept longer if I could. But the day was a blessing, what a blessing, God gave me another little token of His divine love, and He knows how to cheer me up every single time. It may not be the cheering up I'm longing for but it works wonders and God knows what I need at this time. Had lunch with amazing people at Linda's and spend a whole day at her place, went for a 4 miles hike, then did Bible studies and started Sabbath, and talked, and had amazing evening snacks, and met up with amazing people for a night walk, and then us three girls kept on walking for 1.5 hour and talking, talking, talking... Praise God He put godly Christian friends on my path, such loving people, such encouragement in growing in faith, and praising God together and sharing! Maaaaan, unbelievable, how can I not love people! How can I not love God???? And He knew what I needed... So tired but so greateful, and yes, happy too! Ah, I could write so much but my fingers are so stiff from cold... and I didn't see Martin today, but I'm gonna see him now a little, read my Bible and go to sleep.
Nov 8
I'm done with the cleanse. Been craving avocados and devoured 3 today. There.
The company didn't call me so obviously I don't belong there, so back to searching. And I'm totally tired of everything... I think I'll go to bed earlier... read a book, have some herbal tea...have a good cry in my pillow.
Went down to BellaVita to get that wretched CS6 today, brought my harddrive, worked on that for an hour there, brought it home and it wouldn't work! And I'm out of ideas. Tried compressing, extracting files, burning as image, but it still wouldn't burn the ISO file to my dual layer dvd... don't get it... I'm sick of it, so sick of it... and dejected. Disapointed. Sad. Unhappy. Wanting to punch something, someone.
And I've seen Big Brother for the last time as well. I don't want to be driving down there anymore. Gives the wrong impression. Not my place. And I'm sad about it too. All is wrong, Wrong. Wrong. Wrong! Well, this is it, life goes on, time to pick up broken pieces and keep on going. God is good and He'll lead to where I need to be. Hearts will hurt for a while, tears will flow for a while, but all will go into the past and life will go on. As it always does.
I'm seeing Linda tomorrow, and John and Claire will be there too for lunch. It'll be a beautiful day!
The company didn't call me so obviously I don't belong there, so back to searching. And I'm totally tired of everything... I think I'll go to bed earlier... read a book, have some herbal tea...have a good cry in my pillow.
Went down to BellaVita to get that wretched CS6 today, brought my harddrive, worked on that for an hour there, brought it home and it wouldn't work! And I'm out of ideas. Tried compressing, extracting files, burning as image, but it still wouldn't burn the ISO file to my dual layer dvd... don't get it... I'm sick of it, so sick of it... and dejected. Disapointed. Sad. Unhappy. Wanting to punch something, someone.
And I've seen Big Brother for the last time as well. I don't want to be driving down there anymore. Gives the wrong impression. Not my place. And I'm sad about it too. All is wrong, Wrong. Wrong. Wrong! Well, this is it, life goes on, time to pick up broken pieces and keep on going. God is good and He'll lead to where I need to be. Hearts will hurt for a while, tears will flow for a while, but all will go into the past and life will go on. As it always does.
I'm seeing Linda tomorrow, and John and Claire will be there too for lunch. It'll be a beautiful day!
Wednesday, November 7, 2012
Nov 7
It may be a travel blog, or more like adjusting-to-living-in-a-new-state blog, but it's personal too, and I'm just sitting here and marveling how amazing God is.
I was feeling down. Pretty down, actually. Some resentments toward Big Brother surfaced and the realization that I should just forget it all and have no hope whatsoever (based on what I know now) hit me full force and it hurt. Oh it hurt!
Pretty dejected I went to Fresh Market to get some ingredients for liver flush and some greens for easing my way out of the cleanse tomorrow (and avocados!!!). After that I planned to go to the Bible study in Roseville church that Linda told me about. I was so down, totally not-in-the-mood, and I made a wrong turn, which I knew will make me late for the study. The one annoying thing about California is that when you pull out of a shopping plaza, most of the times you can only go one way. There is an island in the middle and you've got to get to another lights, and make sure there is a u-turn sign to make the turn legally. That sets you back time wise and it's pretty annoying. So I knew I'll be late and I actually thought of going back home - I'm the kind of person that doesn't like to be late. But I went anyway.
God is so good! What a blessing that was! I saw Linda and her husband and they called me over to sit next to them, and I just couldn't stop talking and sharing, it was like my heart was spilling over through my mouth! And I was amazed because that's what I've been pleading God for, for a long time now. I saw Big Brother having such love for God and just love flowing out of his mouth left and right and I thought wow! I want that, Jesus! And I was shocked how hungry I was for sharing and talking about Jesus's ultimate sacrifice and love for us, humans. And they made me the spoke person for our table and again, I couldn't shut up. And I longed to pray with others! Oh, what blessing! I came home wanting more! And I cried. I kneeled and it all spilled out, don't know why, but everything, the longing to serve Jesus, and people, and share, and the job, and Big Brother, it all just went flowing out with the tears.
But then Linda texts me and wants to spend a day with me! She wants me to share about my health, my cleanse and we both love talking about Jesus. Wow!!!!
Then, I get on FB and one of jeff's former bosses talks to me, our of nowhere (we only spoke few times long time ago when I worked my first job), asking about spiritual things, my faith and Biblical standpoint on some issues. And he goes on sharing most deep problems and struggles, his own and marriage and I saw it's a soul that is searching for solutions, for answers, for help, for Jesus. And we talked and I was amazed at the Biblical wisdom He bestowed upon me. And I was able to share wisdom I learned from my own life's path and my own walk of fire, and what I've learned through it all. And what I've learned from Jennifer. And what I've learned from Big Brother, from when he still talked to me. And I was so greatful that I could use it all to help another person.
I'm tired. Cashews are soaking for 5 hours now, instead of 2. Wanted to make a dressing for kale salad for tomorrow. No energy. But oh so happy. And oh so praying for patience, patience as God works things in His time, not mine. Ah, how I need a job! Patience, and faith!
I was feeling down. Pretty down, actually. Some resentments toward Big Brother surfaced and the realization that I should just forget it all and have no hope whatsoever (based on what I know now) hit me full force and it hurt. Oh it hurt!
Pretty dejected I went to Fresh Market to get some ingredients for liver flush and some greens for easing my way out of the cleanse tomorrow (and avocados!!!). After that I planned to go to the Bible study in Roseville church that Linda told me about. I was so down, totally not-in-the-mood, and I made a wrong turn, which I knew will make me late for the study. The one annoying thing about California is that when you pull out of a shopping plaza, most of the times you can only go one way. There is an island in the middle and you've got to get to another lights, and make sure there is a u-turn sign to make the turn legally. That sets you back time wise and it's pretty annoying. So I knew I'll be late and I actually thought of going back home - I'm the kind of person that doesn't like to be late. But I went anyway.
God is so good! What a blessing that was! I saw Linda and her husband and they called me over to sit next to them, and I just couldn't stop talking and sharing, it was like my heart was spilling over through my mouth! And I was amazed because that's what I've been pleading God for, for a long time now. I saw Big Brother having such love for God and just love flowing out of his mouth left and right and I thought wow! I want that, Jesus! And I was shocked how hungry I was for sharing and talking about Jesus's ultimate sacrifice and love for us, humans. And they made me the spoke person for our table and again, I couldn't shut up. And I longed to pray with others! Oh, what blessing! I came home wanting more! And I cried. I kneeled and it all spilled out, don't know why, but everything, the longing to serve Jesus, and people, and share, and the job, and Big Brother, it all just went flowing out with the tears.
But then Linda texts me and wants to spend a day with me! She wants me to share about my health, my cleanse and we both love talking about Jesus. Wow!!!!
Then, I get on FB and one of jeff's former bosses talks to me, our of nowhere (we only spoke few times long time ago when I worked my first job), asking about spiritual things, my faith and Biblical standpoint on some issues. And he goes on sharing most deep problems and struggles, his own and marriage and I saw it's a soul that is searching for solutions, for answers, for help, for Jesus. And we talked and I was amazed at the Biblical wisdom He bestowed upon me. And I was able to share wisdom I learned from my own life's path and my own walk of fire, and what I've learned through it all. And what I've learned from Jennifer. And what I've learned from Big Brother, from when he still talked to me. And I was so greatful that I could use it all to help another person.
I'm tired. Cashews are soaking for 5 hours now, instead of 2. Wanted to make a dressing for kale salad for tomorrow. No energy. But oh so happy. And oh so praying for patience, patience as God works things in His time, not mine. Ah, how I need a job! Patience, and faith!
Nov 7
Dick is so upset over the electios that he got drunk last night. He had people over watching the news with him till the verdict was announced.
Been taking out Martin every so often yesterday and today to do the basics of the basics, just to burn my fingers and get some mobility back. He's so beautiful... I marvel every time I take him out. What lovely woodwork, grain and finish. So far I got puffiness, redness, pain and lots of stiffness and cracking in my fingers, but it'll get better.
I had a job interview, a company liked my resume and wanted to see me. And five other candidates. Stunning place in La Riviera, Sac area, really driven company, we'll see if God wants to place me there or somewhere else. If they call me back for tomorrow's second part interview, then wow, but so far they haven't called so I suppose I'm back at the drawing board and applying :)
I like being on a cleanse a lot. I could be like that for two weeks or more, but I'm invited to lunch this upcoming Sabbath again, so I gotta break it. The only thing is that I crave, CRAVE, CRAAAAAAVE avocados. It's maddening, I wake up in the morning thinking about eating avocados, they float in my head through the day and I fall asleep dreaming of having avocados. This is insane, I'm not that strong, I may give in and finish the cleanse and just have some. It's maddening!
maaan, I need a job. trying not to get insane about it...
Been taking out Martin every so often yesterday and today to do the basics of the basics, just to burn my fingers and get some mobility back. He's so beautiful... I marvel every time I take him out. What lovely woodwork, grain and finish. So far I got puffiness, redness, pain and lots of stiffness and cracking in my fingers, but it'll get better.
I had a job interview, a company liked my resume and wanted to see me. And five other candidates. Stunning place in La Riviera, Sac area, really driven company, we'll see if God wants to place me there or somewhere else. If they call me back for tomorrow's second part interview, then wow, but so far they haven't called so I suppose I'm back at the drawing board and applying :)
I like being on a cleanse a lot. I could be like that for two weeks or more, but I'm invited to lunch this upcoming Sabbath again, so I gotta break it. The only thing is that I crave, CRAVE, CRAAAAAAVE avocados. It's maddening, I wake up in the morning thinking about eating avocados, they float in my head through the day and I fall asleep dreaming of having avocados. This is insane, I'm not that strong, I may give in and finish the cleanse and just have some. It's maddening!
maaan, I need a job. trying not to get insane about it...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)