Jan 22 -he was selling and I bought it! :(

I get up only because I have to.  If it wasn't for my job, I'd be spending days in bed.  I still cry.. sometimes... sometimes a lot... mornings and evenings are the toughest... I try not to think.  I try to block any memory we ever shared.  I feel so used.  So played with.  Discarded like a broken toy...  Ugly, unwanted and rejected.  Again. 

Once again I long for understanding and I don't get it. 
He kept running away from talking, I pushed and hunted for him... until I snapped.  It meant so much to me to have it resolved, to understand why, but he was so flippant about it that it made me snap.  And I usually don't snap. 

Oh how it all hurts! All he said and wrote is written in my heart, word for word... I can call him on every word he said to me, every word he texted.... on his promise he made to me.  And he wouldn't release me of mine....  'effort, here I come..'  Bullshit. 


I thank God for Henry.  He's been a real friend, talking some sense into my crying heart, trying hard to make me see the reason... the sunshine.... and checking up on me every few days... I so appreciate that. 
I thank God for Nat.  She's always willing to listen and she's there for me... and is good at distracting me, too.
I thank God incredibly for Nancy, she labored with me for hours upon hours listening to my crying, analyzing with me, giving me hope and incredible support... So grateful!
I thank God for Daniela, who I'm sure knew what was coming, and even then she'd keep my hopes up, till the very death.  And for Linda and ed, who, very simply turns my eyes upon Jesus in every trouble.  And for Sherle and her whole family, who are desperately trying to adopt me, comfort me by having me over and giving me mounds of yummy apples and citruses...  And for many other beautiful people God put on my path...



And... what hurts the most is that... not that he said to me he's suddenly not ready for a serious relationship, but that he was selling one so well, for so long, months of believing, and praying, and hoping, and waiting.... for effing nothing!  He was selling it so perfectly and I bought it... I believed it with all of my heart and bought it with everything I had!

Jan 15

I would have lost heart, unless I had believed
That I would see the goodness of the Lord
In the land of the living.

Wait on the Lord;
Be of good courage,
And He shall strengthen your heart;
Wait, I say, on the Lord!

 

That's Psalm 27:13-14

 

It holds me up, it gives me strength to get up in the morning when all is black and meaningless...  God keeps me busy and He suceeds at keeping me distracted pretty well... but when I drive, when I'm home, or any time I'm alone.... I can't stop the waterfalls and aching sobs... I just can't... not yet...

 

 

This past weekend was pretty busy.  I'd say amazing if I wasn't broken... Spent all Sabbath at the Central Church, hanging out in the media room and watching pastor Doug's sermon on over 15 tv screens..  I wanted to stay for a health lecture that was gonna start at 2pm, but somehow I ended up talking to people, and they sort of... made me... (I'm really gooey right now, no resolution on my own whatsoever) stay for lunch, then for women's ministry meeting.  I had no clue what I was doing there, other than talking to some new faces... I was soo out of it... Then the health lecture prooved to be really basic and boring to me,so I scooted away for the Heritage Singers's concert in the main sanctuary but left after the 5th song... Sherle warned me that they'll be singing new 'worship' style melodies... she was right.  On my way out I was stopped by Sheela and Duayne and they pulled me in to chat and eventually walked me to my car over an hour later... Such lovely people!

 

And on Sunday I hosted my first me-organized photoshoot with models.  My brain wasn't working and somehow I thought it'll all get done by itself... so I left everything at the last minute.  I reality, sometimes I just don't care about anything, but at the last minute I got a reality check and realized I'm responsible and people are counting on me, heartbreake or not, I had to step up and was scrambling up frantically, getting the props ready, the release forms, packing the car, gettting roses, fake snow I made the night before, picking up Paige -one of the models... I almost didn't eat.  But the shoot was fun.  The theme 'it's so cold outside' lived up to its name, we shot till we couldn't feel our fingers anymore.  Then I went to Sacramento co op store to get some food... had nothing in my cupboard for a week.. didn't care.  I still don't care much, but I realize I have to live.... 

 

I don't remember what I did yesterday... I know I was very busy after work, had to go somewhere... oooh, photography lecture by Antonio Genovia that I signed up for in downtown sac.  Came home late and crashed. 

And today after work I had the video camera operator training at Sac Central Church.  The camera felt incredibly natural to me... wish I had more time to play with it.  Really enjoyed the experience, and even 'modeled' for the other students up on stage, so that they could learn their zooming and focus...  Gave them few challenges too.  And just came home. 

 

I can't listen to anything, it reminds me of all the past hurts, they're all put together now, everything reminds me of something and everything hurts.  And yet the bare silence almost seems to be splitting my brain in half... I long for a lovely 3 hours of curling up under a blankie and reading.. but I can't focus, I think and cry... Sometimes my brain goes blank and I just sit and stare... and do nothing.  And then I go to bed.  Sometimes I wish I didn't exist for a while...  It reminds me of when I was sick with RA and in pain all the time... only emotional pain seems a lot more painful now.  I'm feeling quite sick and exausted.  Tired of emotions, of feeling anything. 

 

I miss him so much!

 

Yesterday I gave in and had soy hot chocolate from starbucks.  I was texting Henry at that time and while in line, somebody grabs my arm.  Henry was standing in line right behind me!  I wanted to hug him, was so happy to see a friendly face, but I gave him a friendly punch.  Quite strong.  I seem to be doing a lot of things wrong lately... uncontrollably.  I was on break and couldn't talk for long, but we chatted some... Just thought it was an interesting incident... or.. providential meeting?  I dunno... I don't know anything these days... I just exist.  And I'm so tired.  Of life....

Jan 10 - A douchebag!!!!!!

Another man broke my heart... broke promises... broke his words.... broke a soul....  God will avenge him for playing with already broken heart, pretending to mend it and comfort it and then changing his mind on a whim of... don't even know what...  I'll find out.  I will know.  Or... God will heal him of his disfunction... because I still care... as a friend.  We're all God's children, disfunctioned one way or another...

But still! 

Such a DOUCHEBAG!

Life seems so empty now.. and so meaningless.  A shock.  Pain.  Tears.  I died but I'm still living.... Someone please tell me there is life after death...?  Laughter after crying? Trust after hurt? Day after night?


I praise God for a tiny little handful of true friends who are willing to listen to me, bear with me and offer shoulders to cry on... Another lesson in life, another hole to crawl out of... so much harder this time around.  Total surrender to God.  Because I have nothing left of me anymore. 

And God is sooo good... He allowed this to happen because He knew He gave me heart strong enough and hopefully I'll learn from this too...  But in the meanwhile, while waiting for healing to start, I'm done with men because they're all DOUCHEBAGS!

Jan 8

I just ordered two gallons of fake snow... with two day shipping, because I need it by Sunday for the photoshoot.  I hope I get it on time...  that, and my Russian Ushanka hat.  I've been forgetting to do that because I've been so distraught that I couldn't think of anything else...  But I came home and prayed and cried my heart out for hours and God showed mercy to me and gave me some clarity of mind and a fresh glimmer of hope.  Every day I give my life to God.  And I will not give up.  He will deliver!


I'm going to have a busy week.. meetings with my models for wardrobe overview and signing the release forms.... prepping up for my very first photoshoot with models, fully organized by me, I HAVE TO deliver my best to my photogs.  My group counts now over 80 members with new ones joining every few days... 

And I need to mention that God gave me two paid photography jobs already.  I went up an hour north of Redding to visit my dearest Nancy's family that just had a baby to give them a  newborn photoshoot... and they paid me!  I didn't ask for it, it was for my dearest friend, but they chose to pay me.  Incredibly grateful! And this past Sunday I had somebody contact me for a family photoshoot, sort of last minute thing before her in-laws go back to North Carolina, so we went to the Capital Park and took some Capital Pictures! She loves them, and she saw only three... I'm still editing both shoots, because I don't have that much time, and lately, when I get home all I do is cry and pray... more like wail.... but no matter, each time I look at Jesus, He gives me glimmers of Hope!


I haven't been very sane lately.... it gets so hard sometimes... but God is good.  He is truly GOOD!

Jan 8 - :( :( :(

It's going to be 3 months in California soon.  Today was in the 60s and it truly felt like spring was coming.  My reception job is going on second month there, I honestly don't know how long it'll last, and they don't tell me anything.  I'm pretty good at what I do, I can multitask like crazy, do phones, distribute mail, do orders, invoices, checks, balance money at the end of the day, set up appointments and reserve meetings, take in visitors and hunt down sales reps who forget to turn in their sales tags...  Now that I mastered it all, I feel like I need another challenge, another something. 


I"m going to admit it.  It's hard.  Extremaly hard.  And this year is harder than I ever imagined.  I was hoping the new year will be great, but it's horrible, and I feel like I'm in the same spot as I was last year... only this time around is worse: no family for support, no steady income, strange place with no seasoned friends, practically no belongings, nobody special to comfort me and offer heartfelt support.. but the heartache is the same, if not worse... yeah, it's worse.  I'm trying to see the beautiful people and the beautiful wonders of this world, and the amazing places that God put me in... but I can't seem to see much now...  all the little wonders, sometimes I do notice them... like that woodcutter I saw at the post office... or the woman with a bunny sitting outside of starbucks.... or all the pretty palm trees I pass everyday... 


Right now I am where I am.  I have no way of moving either way, I know God provided in miraculous ways for me to get here.  I know that! So I'm right where I'm supposed to be...   but why the heartaches????  Why the rejection?  Again? 

But I do need to live... haven't been eating anything, second day now... fasting, praying, holding onto the last glimmer of hope and faith, begging God for a miracle... I can only pray and see what happens, God wants us to expect great things from Him!        

Jan 4 - a recap

Welcome to the New Year 2013.  I took a break from writing but I'm back.  It's almost 3 months in California, lots has happened.  But sometimes I sit back and marvel, as still can't believe I'm here.  God has led me in most amazing way... And He provided and I know I'm in the right place.  Just.. in transition.  Don't know which way to go, which way to turn... some of it doesn't depend on me...

A recap:

1. God graciously gave me a temp job.  I don't know why there, I don't know why... I'm glad I have a job, it pays the bills and rent, but I'm also glad it's a temp.  In the midst of it all, I learned valuble lessons.  I learned meekness and humbleness... learned how to keep my mouth shut sometimes, even in moments of unjustice.  I learned how to multitask in an organized and cohesive way while keeping the stress at bay.  I became comfortable with handling crazily huge amounts of money... was never able to do that comfortably before.  And God taught me that hard work, effort and intergrity pays off.  At the same time, I don't belong there.  My uncle died an alcoholic.  My other uncle, my aunt and her family, my other aunt and cousins and few people on my dad's side too, they're all broken people with destroyed lives, all because of alcohol.  How, in all honesty can I....  But even Daniel had to work his best in the middle of Babylon.  And that gives me hope.  And God will lead onto the next step in life after this episode.  So much to learn still.

2. Been meeting some amazing people on my journey.  People with incredible stories... Some people just passed me by, some stayed for longer, and yet some came really close and began to care.  My family here is expanding, and there are still sooooo many people to meet!  Some families even try to adopt me, for which I'm beyond grateful! I love them all! And it's not like I try so hard to make connections, they just happen, it's like God is laying out the path for me to walk on, it's like the people just come to me and friend me... it's been amazing and oh how much I'd like to open my heart to them.  Few people got to know me beyond deep and I'm so glad I have someone's shoulder to cry on.... been doing that a lot lately. 

3. Photography has been an adventure.  I have started my own photography club here in Sacramento, with now over 80 members and my first themed photoshoot with models coming up soon.  Again, met some incredible photographers, beautiful models and it's only the beginning.  With a number of photography projects in sight...  Praying hard for my music now.. God gave me an AMAZING guitar, ah, the sound is beyond anything, so deep and sensual, utterly beautiful, but I need help; can't go any further on my own, so I've been praying for a guitar teacher.  The right one will happen according to God's will.  Though my fingers are still like butter -fingers, hahaha!

4. I have learned how to forgive.  TRULY forgive.  It was a hard lesson that followed after two weeks long depression... I came to a point of such intense anger and pain that I couldn't deal with reality anymore, couldn't handle my life the way it was.  And the lesson came, and I learned how God forgives, to the point of forgetting, as if nothing happened before, just letting go and starting afresh... it was hard, but very possible.  I learned patience.  I learned - and still learning - how to deal with pain and broken heart, how to give my hurts and griefs to God, every day afresh. 


------------------

So new year happened, first time in my whole life I spent it on my own, alone, in a strange, far away place... But it'll be a good year.  Time to become an adult, time to end all childish charades and time to chose a path to follow.  Time to go after what you truly believe in, having faith in God that He will open the right door in His right time. 

-------------------


I fasted a day and a half.  And prayed so incredibly much.  I think I need to fast every Sabbath - what amazing clarity of mind! In fact, I feel my body to be just beyond disgusting and most food plain nasty... I don't know what's wrong with me here, but I feel I need to spend at least one week on just water... I just hear that calling to do that... which I don't really understand yet.  But today I needed answers to my heartaches.  And closer connection with God.  As usual I spent the morning in the media room watching the whole media crew doing all that they do there (fascinating, I really love the switcher!).  There was a potluck but I hang around talking to some people and then spent time in the dark sanctuary of Sac Central just to pray and meditate... and somebody came and began playing piano, the most amazing hymns ever... and the skin under my eyes burned, because it's known tears so much before.  The Upper Room Bible study was beyond amazing!  Again, I met so many incredible people, made connections and friends and we studied the Bible for nearly 3 hours! And even after that they wouldn't let me go for over an hour :) 

I'm having a family photoshoot tomorrow in center city.  Then meeting up with a friend, hopefully, and I'm hoping to talk some things out as well, then meeting with one of my models for wardrobe and release signing, hopefully making it home for Skype Bible study with Pete.... editing pictures...  I so long to go back to running.  Stress been taking a toll on me so much... I can't begin to be healthy until my heart finds peace. 



I may be a little melodramatic now, where is your happiness Anya, I know, but I've been going through some serious heartaches and I need closure on things.  To know if I can begin to grieve in peace or if my hope and care can beging to grow...  So confused now.  And sleepy! :)  Good night till a better day! :)
 

Nov 21 :(

I think I've reached a breaking point.  In everything!

I don't know anymore, I don't know what to do and how to get a job anymore.  I feel stupid and helpless.  I feel like I'm one big nothing, and no matter what I do, it just doesn't work.  I can spend hours, and I'm still back where I started.  Nothing seems to work.  I may really end up under a bridge.  Don't visit me there, I'll be too embarassed. 


I pray for Divine Patience each time I enter the kitchen here.  This man tops everything I've ever seen, he even tops some of my college roomies, and that's something. 


I think I had forgiveness issues.  For Big Brother.  Because, as I searched my heart and asked God to show me, all the anger and frustrations have dissapeared.  Replaced by measured and controlled wisdom, understanding and yet not foolishness.  Finally, principles took over.  Total emotional detachment. 

Indifference, whateverness.  No, not that.  Never that.  


Stiff fingers, either from post RA trauma or from cold.  Who can help me get up at 7am? I can't seem to be able to pour freezing water on my own face... I forgot my laudry again, it's in the washer.  Again.  I'm going mad!

Something's gotta give, or I'll start punching walls soon. 
Need to stay sane, at least tomorrow.  Going to Thanksgiving dinner at Lesya's.  Something lovely to look forward to.  :)

Nov 19

Many wonderful things happened today :)  It's always a good day when you start it with Jesus :) 

1. I got an e-mail from someone from Amazing Facts, saying that I can meet with them to see what I'd like to volunteer with.  Yeay, we'll see what happens with that - can't be too happy yet. 

2. Got another e-mail from that dude about the dining set.  He wants to buy it :)  Yeay!!!  He'll pick it up at Pete's early December for his new house.  I can't believe how much this is going to help me!!! But it makes me think as well... firstly, I'm a bit overwhelmed at the amount of money God sent my way, just to provide for my move and overall... all together I could almost buy another new Toyota Yaris with it.. wow!!! God is sooo good.  And now, as I'm on a verge of running out of money He sends another couple of thousands my way...  But does that mean that I'll be without a job for another while????  I'm nobody to say how God works, but I know that He provides, one way or another, if not with a job, then with money, He said I won't go hungry... and I know sometimes I think more about photography, music, art and everything else more than about getting  a job, but I'm really really really trying... the search itself, the cover letters, the descriptions and demands, they all overwhelm me sometimes... And lately, as I pray, I got into just wondering and asking what's the purpose of it all, what's going on, what's the reason that I'm still unemployed, it's a journely alright but do I need to do something? Do I need to search my heart? Do I need to change something about myself, or be somewhere before I get a job, meet someone... all these things just run through my head, and I ask for answers, but it's not the answers God wants to give me, but more faith, and patience, and submitting to His will at His time. 

3. I went to Job One again and signed up for one on one coaching.  I was most displeased with it!  It's a church ran ministry, and they give you the option to volunteer there if you'd like.  Each Monday morning starts with 15-20 minutes devotions, one person leading it for about 30-50 people, so I said I'd like to do a devotions too, and they weren't too keen on letting me.  Hmmm... that's one thing.  Back to the coaching, I had ten thousand questions and needed some real time professional advice (because I really am pretty lost at this job search thing, I mean, I feel like I don't even know what I'm doing anymore...).  So this woman, she clearly didn't even know how to listen.  I ask a question on which orientation I put on my card and she goes off on where I can get them.  I know where I can get them, I can make them myself if I want to... or I ask which direction I should go because I have so many interests, and she goes off on about how interesting my life's journey is... I mean really!  And then she starts on religion, how I really should do devotions, and trust God... all is well, but she never even asked if I'm a Christian, I may have been a buddist or a muslim, I told her I do read my Bible and do my devotions but she wouldn't listen and started shoving me one of the mainstream protestant devotions that I really don't care about.  At the end I just gave up on getting any professional help, thanked her and took that wretched book.  Maybe next time I see her I can give her one of my devotions, and we'll be square :)   --------------> actually no. 3 is not one of the wonderful things that happened today...

4. But I got a brainwave today and I'm pretty excited about it.  The organizer for one of my photography groups stepped down and the whole group will dissolve if somebody doesn't step up as an organizer and a leader.  So I realllllllyyyyyy got a brainwave!!!! :)  But I know nothing about booking models, make up artists and contacting venues.  So I sent e-mails to few people, leaders of other photo groups, as well as that former one that stepped down.  I think nobody wants to share their secrets because nobody replied, except the one that just left.  So I started learning how to do things.  I love organizing, I've organized church events before and I really enjoy making things happen.  And I have so many ideas for shoots!!! Maaaan!!!  I was to do a b/w one, a winter wonderland, one all about health (with all the fruits, veggies and greens to model with, man, fun!), woodland warriors one, cowgirl extravaganza (already am friends with one model who has access to horses!!) and whatever else my brain comes up with... We can do day trips to Tahoe, and shoots by the ocean.. once I learn a bit of California that is.  It isn't all that fun traveling by yourself...  Anyway, I'm still thinking about it, and apparently one can make a tiny bit of money off it too.  I gotta sleep on it. 


I'm still struggling with Martin, must be doing something wrong cuz the pain now goes up my whole arm and can't do much after a whle.  My hand runs a bit smoother nonetheless.  I'm sick of pain!

Nov 18

Went running :)  Legs screamed in protest the first lap, but it felt good.  I ran with music today and most of the run I watched an amazing movie of me playing guitar and banjo in a great country band, doing a gig in sac.  :)  I even sang one song!


Easy, quiet day, was gonna go to the fish hatchery but it looked rainy... played with Martin today, maaaan, my hand joints hurt and my pinky gets stuck and just won't bend.  It's an uphill battle now but I'll get there.  I'll beat my fingers into submission if I have to!
I lifted, I searched and applied to jobs, talked with Pete - the dude came to see the dining set and likes it.  Wants to buy it but of course, wants me to lower the price because there are few nicks here and there.  I prayed about the price and decided to drop it 300 for him as my final asking price.  If he takes that, maaaan, it'll help me financially so much!  My resources here are dwindling fast, and with no job right now it'll help me out for next two months, if, IF I live pretty tightly. 


I still can't get over avocados... I devour them, my body craves them... and the co op store in sac has them  - organic mind you - for 79 cents a piece!  Ha, compare that to 1.50 a piece for conventionally grown, in PA.  :)  For that alone I love California!!! :)


I think my patience cup with Dick and this place is filling up.  And yet I know, I know that I'm here for a reason! Could it be Rolan???  He said he'll call me back this week.  It was nothing short of miracle how I got this place, and yet..... the house is almost always cold! COLD!!! My room has no heating.  My room is tiny, pretty awkward too.. but I do have a bed to sleep on, a ghetto desk and a chair, aaand a dresser, and Dick made me a closet before I came...  but the house is always, ALWAYS filthy!!!!  If I don't hit the vacum, nobody ever vacums.  There are leaves from outside on the floor.  When Dick drops something, he never bothers to pick it up.  There are receipt under the table from two weeks ago.  His disgusting dirty frying pan sits there for nearly a week... It seems it's only me that sweeps and washes the kitchen floor because nobody else will do it, my roomies refuse to be Dicks house cleaners, which I understand, but Dick thinks that because he rents to women, they'll take care of the inside of the house (like his wife used to I'm sure!!) and he'll do the outside.  Problem is he does neither.  Sometimes we lose electricty, last time it was because he didn't pay on time.  Kim had to lend him the money to pay.  I'm too disgusted to touch anything in the kitchen unless I wipe it clean first.  Dick will cut meat right on the counter and leave the disgusting bits just lying around for days!!!! We all have to clean up after him.  He eats other people's food without asking, and then gets upset that we actually did mind it! He won't buy any paper towels but uses mine if I leave it standing, he wipes his sweaty face in kitchen towels and leaves it for others to use (yuck!), only me and Kim clean the stove top, and the fridge stinks, no matter if I clean it or not!!!!  Ayayay!!!!! One time I took out my glass dish to bake potatoes in it, and Dick dripped his wine all over it and left it like that, not bothering to clean up... :(  His living room is filthy again, but I won't clean it up for him again.  Nobody goes there but him.  But I'm glad for the washer and dryer.  And the fact that I can wash and vacum my car anytime I want...

What to do?  For now I'm here, God provides, I have bed, roof over my head, clothes and food, working car with gas in it, internet (mostly!) and phone, my Cannon, Martin, my books, somehow I still pay my bills.. I'm not in pain.  I can go running.  God is good!  Can't really complain :)

Nov 17

How is it 17th already???  I don't get it, where did it all go?

I had a lovely Sabbath.  Went to Central church and Jim kept me company, so nice of him! The person I was going to talk to wasn't there, but I got a contact info, and aparently they know about me already.  :)  Got home little late, around 2pm actually because I we were talking, and I wanted to make the afternoon concert.  Tough, because when I was making my green wrap, Irina, my other roomie came and started spilling her love problems again :)  So we talked and she asked about mine, she knows my story and where I am right now, maaaan, it's not easy being a girl in these messed up times! 
Of course I was late for the concert, but on my way in I met Jim again, and he was so kind, showed me around, decided to stick around for the concert and we got to talk more afterwards.  This is it, I'm happiest when I'm in good, positive and fun people's company.  Dear God, I want to meet half Californiaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 


I sound like some socially deprived case.... LOL! :)


Anyway, I've been in touch with this guy who wants to come and look at the dining set (and possibly buy it) but by now I think he's upset with me.  It's hard to keep in touch with these time zones, I get home too late to call him and he keeps calling in the wrongest times! And I've got to communicate with my brother, who actually holds the set for me.  It's been one big of a mess,I hope I can pull it off. 



And I'm double back on my knees: my parents are being attacked by satan left and right, constant struggles and problems they're been encountering... and now this!  Dad was gonna have a sermon on the end times and secret societies in Lidzbark Warmninski, but so happened that yesterday somebody asked him to help him chop some wood.  I don't know why dad ended up on a ladder, but he fell off it and broke his leg. Rigth before that very Sabbath that he was gonna preach.  On top of that, they were going from town to town and nobody would help dad!  So sad, but that's idiotic Polish reality.  Praise God they finally found some hospital and dad will have a surgery on monday.  But now come to think on it, what if satan was trying to actually really really injure dad, and heavenly angels softened the fall so that only  a leg was broken?  I praise God it was only  a leg!!!!!!  And Pete (who I got the info from, I can't call parents anymore, no money... ) said dad will preach the sermon anyway :)  Truly praise God!


I really want to talk to someone... to unload my frustration.  I see it, and it scares me a bit, because the unresolved past keeps killing anything good that I may/may have or could/could have ever have/had for Big Brother. And it keeps going away and away, little by little.... Like a plant, unwatered, uncultivated, left alone and unattended it starts withering away.  I've been reading Christ's Object Lessons and two days ago I came to a chapter on forgiveness.  Is that my issue?  Maybe I just am not able to forgive?  And this hurts everything, including the job.  Jesus never asked for 'I'm sorry', He forgave.  I just don't know where I am with that, but I can't get rid of the hurt, it never left, and not it turns to anger.  So I've been praying, for help with that, God taught me how to push it away, but sometimes it comes back.  But even pushed away, it never leaves.  It craves resolution, explanation, understanding, closure.  And only one person in the world can give it.