March 30 - part 1

Precious Lord hears my cries, hears my prayers and my supplications...  He's so good, he's working on me biiiig time!

I"m so grateful and I see a lot of healing happening.  And yet I'm still so broken, still pains and hurts.  God isn't done with me, that's my hope. 

I don't want to write painful things, I'm so tired of it.  I'm sick of it.  But somehow it oozes out of me, despite the efforts to keep it in.  Maybe because I held one pain in me for so long without telling anybody, and now I'm unable, or perhaps subconsciously unwilling to go through it again.  It spilles out and I'm really ashamed writing it out.  But it helps.  Only praying that this place will be uplifting to others so that I can share it publicly.  Because right now it's a sick ward.  With a visitor or two, don't know even who lurks here....


But Jesus is so precious, so kind and so merciful to me, I can't even express it.  I've been playing with Yuri, and it's just so much fun.  I feel like I'm moving along skill-wise when I play with him, but when I'm on my own, my fingers feel so buttery and unwilling to do quick chord changes.  But I guess Yuri must really see some positives because he had me play some hymns, challenged me with adding (or hearing them in the first place) extra chords into the songs and then he said that he'd like me to play with him for the primary Sabbath School every other Sabbath.  And then he began talking about something to the idea of going to churches with him and sing and play together.  How incredibly fun and fulfilling would that be! But I need to get better and better.  And so I practice as much as I can, but to me, I seem to go nowhere.  Only God knows.  I so want to be better, I long, I cry, I really suffer my inabilities to express what I'd love to express.  It hurts so much! And it hurst seeing others do it so effortlessly! Frustrating!

Few mornings I woke up in a state of panic.  Panic over not having a job, not having a steady income, over not knowing what's going to happen with me.  And the panic was so overwhelming I didn't know what to do, I was so scared to the point of tears.  No matter what I do, it's not happening!  And I'm scared, scared of getting an office job and scared of not getting an office job.  It drains every creative powers out of me, I know, it does it every time.  I'd love to be free doing what I love doing, art, photograpy, maybe writing, something creative that I truly and fully believe in.  But life isn't that easy ,unfortunately.  So I need something, and that something isn't happening.  I know God has come through for me in the past, and I know that somehow, somewhere, He will come through again.  I know He will.  And everytime I get into that panicky state of mind, I get down on my knees praying for peace, that heavenly peace that comes only from above.  I have to have faith.  More faith and trust is the key here.  "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding". 


God gave me two amazing weekends - this and past one.  Both - the first one especially - full of emotional healing.  In fact, God worked a miracle that past Sabbath!  Man, Sabbath truly is a day of special rest and miracles! God is so good to me! But I'm so pooped right now... Had an eventful day in Hollister today. 

Only praying that I can hold on to my faith, that it can grow!  There are so many things working against me, and yet I believe, I BELIEVE, I have FAITH!!!!! And I will not give up! On anything I believe in so much.. Oh Lord Almighty, please help me.....!

 

March 19

I always wonder if I'll get hurt tomorrow morning.  Sometimes I do, and it's very painful to know that someone you care about so deeply hates you now and directs his attention to another.  But those things just pop up on my fb wall and I can't avoid them, somehow they do, and I don't have the guts anymore to do anything, especially removing him from my friend's again.  I'm just to weak for that, I'd rather suffer.  So I wake up at 4am with fast beating heart and scared and really freaked out, and I go on fb to get it over with.  The faster the better.  And then I either go back to sleep with the stone taken off my chest, or end up having rather teary morning... But after I dehydrate through my eyes some, it always feels better to feel miserable.  Misery, pain and tears became my comfort, because I have no other. 

I"m trying to figure out how to deal with feeling pain and love at the same time.. I don't know what to do with either one.  I'm scared I'm becoming a bit mental.. yes, I am emotionally unstable, and mentally probably too.  I'm not suicidal yet, like I was when I was leaving my ex, but I do have thoughts of doing things that will probably hurt me.  I don't die in car accidents in my head, but I do many stupid things... with once again nobody at my hospital's bed.  Maybe surviving an accident really is the worst thing that can happen to you.... I take it back.  Back then, somehow Big Brother always made it to my hospital room to hold my hand.  Right now he'd probably remove my life support.  I never thought I'd ever have a family turn against me so much, even if they are artificially adopted. 

Maybe I shouldn't do that, maybe I should not adopt people anymore because they may all turn against me.  I've always wanted a big brother.  And once I adopted one, I got hurt.  He seemes to care about the whole word, speaking words of caring and compassion to everyone except me. He played with me and when he was done he threw me in the trash.  Without a word of explanation.  I really do feel stupid for believing everything he said.  I took it all seriuosly, I believed him, trusted him, his comforting words of care were only part of the game and I was stupid enough not to see it.  I want to beat myself up for not seeing the trap, for falling into it with all of my heart, Lord Almighty forgive me for being so stupid, stupid STUPID!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Oh God, I feel so used.  I feel raped. 


And yet.. and yet... I don't understand this, why God, why??????  Why do my ears perk up at the sound of his name? Why is my heart beating faster when I think of him?  Why do I long to see his face, and melt at the sound of his voice?  Why do I see in him a precious, tender heart, a beautiful soul, becautiful and sensitive, artistic, loving, loving, loving.... even though he's not capable of love? Why? Why is my heart, though so deeply broken, longing to just be in his presence, even though knowing that nothing but hate emanates from him towards me.. Why do I long to put his head on my chest and cradle his head tenderly, caress his face and keep telling that if you only believe, if you only have faith everything will be ok? Why do I dream of going places with him and having adventures like the best of friends? Why do I  believe he could still be my soulmate?  Why do I cry with deep pain and love when I just think of him? Why????? Why, why, why???? I've been cursed with the worst of curses.  For all I know it may be called forever platonic love? I don't know.  I don't understand any of it.  I wake up whacked in the head, and go to sleep with world twirling around... I'm only sane when I pray, spending sometimes hours on my knees until tears start dripping on my lap. 

I've been told to stop voicing my hurt.  And that's the worst you can say to a hurting soul.  I cry, and nobody hears.  I scream in pain, and nobody answers.  I grope in darkness for pieces of hope to hold onto, silently, invisibly... and if I ever catch anything, it seems to slip through my fingers.... Nobody's here anymore, nobody hears my cries, I can wail all I want but the world is indifferent to my suffering and there is no one who would care and comfort... because my comforter became my source of pain.  And I still love him.  And for that only, I can go and bury myself today. 


Normally I'm pretty sane.  I can even laugh and smile, and talk normally.  But if they only had access my my insides, they'd flee.  But I'm good at 'living', I took acting classes before.  I truly do want to be normal.  And happy.  I've been wounded but I'll heal.  Almost like a shot dog, licking his wounds to health but never ever trusting another human being.  Will I become a stray? God have mercy on me, I beg!!!!!  Why would a person that I'd do so much for out of deep care, why would he slit my throat like that?  And don't tell me why? Lord Jesus, you know my heart, please attend to it if You could, right now.....

I feel a wave of poems coming on..... to take me away to my never never land...

March 16 - dedication

My goal every morning is to get up early, really early at 6am and pray to Jesus.  Then do liver cleansing coffee enema and pray more during.  Then come back and read the Bible and my devotional book.  And then start the day.  But I don't always get up this early.  I am trying though.  If I get up after seven it's not the same anymore, day's shorter and sometimes I catch myself rushing through time with Jesus to start the day.  Wrong. 
And I'm praising God there hasn't been any morning stabbings in the heart lately... I'm always so scared that today again I'll get hurt.  Again. 

God gave me a beautiful day... A beautiful Sabbath... But I still found myself dragging my feet to the upper room Bible study.  Sometimes I fall back into the old, shy Anya, when I want to be alone with my pain.  Just hide under my blankies and never come out.  Tears are so welcomed then... But I went to the study, feeling empty, brain-stupid, unworthy to be there and having nothing to say.... Which is unusuall, becauce once I unwind, I talk and talk and talk.  I love to talk about Jesus, I fly when I do.  So we went through Sunday study and Monday study and I had nothing to contribute to the discussion and I felt useless and empty.  It wasn't till the end of Monday that the Holy Spirit gave me a though to share.  And I felt very encouraged since then!  Thank you Lord.  And people said they were blessed through my comments.  But they weren't mine, they were God's, who was just using my mouth. 

And so I went home pretty enouraged and wanting to serve Jesus even more, knowing that He isn't finished with me yet.  With my mouth and with my hands too.  So I took a picture of my hands, laid it in front of me, stretched out my own hands and prayed with tears with my eyes that Jesus would bless these hands for His work.  I dedicated my hands to the Lord.  Whatever it may be, playing my Martin, through photography, or doing good to people, may God bless the work of my hands. 

Last night when I played Martin two fingers felt like butter, I think they swelled up some.  My body still does that sometimes, I suspect it's all stress and emotions because it can't be diet.  Today however I played a lot better, I especially enjoyed hymn All to Jesus I Surrender, and Awesome God song.  Can't wait to meet up with Yuri again to play and sing together.  I've got to find a group of Christians with guitars, I honestly forgot, simply forgot how incredible it is to get together and play and sing!!!!  That's what we used to do years and years back in Poland, around campfire, having little songbooks with Christian songs and chords, and we'd play and sing deep into the night... how I miss the sense of togetherness, of feeling needed and wanted, and being used for others and just playing our guitars.... I so MISS IT! So when I played and sang with Yuri, I was flying!  He seemed super happy to and at the end of some songs we'd high-five because it went that well :)  Simple stuff for now, he's working on getting my fingers working better and trying to beat my pinky into submission, cuz that little guy simply refuses to do any work.  :) 

March 15

Something is going to happen.  Something has to happen.  I have about a month left in my bank account and after that... I found a nice spot near the American River.  There is a sign 'no tents' but that doesn't worry me, I have no tents.  I'll have boxes and there is no sign 'no boxes'.  And if I want to be social, I know where the homeless community is now, so I can go and make friends. 

My attempts at joke are rather puny...  Whatever God allows, it'll happen.  It's all in His hands, I gave it all to him.  Not my will but Thine.  I want to work for the Lord, I've been nudged over and over since last week to do something, and I'm praying to God that if, if it's His will, do make it happen.  I'm scared.  I've never done it before.  But I have a weird desire to...  I wish not to voice it yet.  Don't know why.  Time is short though.  Jesus is coming and I just can't sit idly and do nothing! 
Been leaving few job appliations here and there, got some info through friends, we'll see.  I have ideas on my own... Been pretty whacked on the head most of the time, so I can't really think straight yet.  Just been spending time on prayer, reading, growing in Christ, playing music and tryting to get my health back where it should be.  With some effort spurts here and there. 

Thursday night I drove home from friend's house for 45 minutes and the whole way I prayed like I rarely ever pray.  In the car anyway.  Angels truly had to watch over me... I wrote this poem about seeing stars like VanGogh, and that night I truly did see them, every single light obliterated by tears.  I don't know how I got home.  Safe and in one piece. 


The weather in Cali's been incredible.  Gorgeous summer.  And that helps so much.  Mornings and nights are the hardest.  During the day I see the sun, I hear the birdies, I get busy.  At night I get weak and tired and satan is trying to get me in my weakened state.  Lots of prayer and Scripture reading.  But mornings are the worst.  I wake up realizing that I have to face everything all over again.  That the blissfull sleep is over, that I have to live again.  I'm grateful that God gave me yet another day of life, but that life of mine is rather tough now.  I have a habit that I can't seem to break, sometime after waking up I grab my phone and check Facebook.  And I check it to get the daily dose of hurt and pain behind me and get it over with already.  Because I know I'm going to see it sooner or later.  Somehow it shows up there, not every morning but some.... the hugs and kisses that used to be mine.  They belong to another now.  And every time I can't live anymore, I drop down on my knees and cry to Jesus and He alone's been my true source of strength and comfort and hope and faith.  I really do believe that I've been dealt a bitter card in life.  A fresh stab in the heart every few mornings is just part of reality now.  But you get up and go, like always, with Jesus.  Dear Jesus, when will it end?



I really hope that one day I can stop writing about pain and suffering.  Maybe one day I can write about love.  About being happy to see his face and hear his voice speaking softly to me.  I used to repeat this verse like a mantra when I was going through the split with my ex husband 'trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding', and it's timeless, it plays in my head right now too, sometiemes for hours.  The only difference is that this time around there is no understanding at all, my understanding is eternal impossiblity.  Either God choses to make a miracle in my life or I will stay like that for the rest of my life.  For I don't think I'll ever have interest in another heart. 



   

March 13 - Only two desires of heart

I'm busy. With many things. That's good. No time to think. And when I think, I cry. Simple as that!

When I keep my eyes on Jesus, things become a lot easier. He keeps my faith going, I know He has a big plan, a lot bigger than what I can see... But I decided to be like Joseph. I will not let go, I will not cease, I'll keep on... holding on until Jesus blesses me. And I've decided to be like Daniel. Faithful to God no matter what, trusting in His leading and standing up for His case in all circumstances. God says trust in The Lord and I will give you the desires of your heart. I have only two main desires. Yes, I have many sub desires, I more than definitely want to see all my family and friends in heaven, and as many people saved as possible. But I have two main and major desires that cover all the others, in turn. One is to follow God where He leads and be a witness to others bringing them to Christ. That has became my life's goal. The second is.. to be like Joseph and not let to until God blesses my broken heart and turns it into a whole, full heart, happy and strong that puts Him above everything and everyone else. And I pray so many times a day and my faith and my care doesn't die, and deep down I believe He will honor my cries, my tears, my devotion, my persistence, my care, my love, my longsuffering. He will honor and bring to pass the desire of my heart. How? Impossible in my eyes right now, but I have purposes in my heart to not give up until God does bring it to pass. Just like Joseph.


I am rapidly losing my native language. It scares me more and more. I keep reading books in Polish, though not much, no time for that... I spoke with parents few days ago and I couldn't explain some things. The words just weren't there anymore. :/.
If anyone ever reads this, please pray for me. I need to keep up with my Polish. Thank you, stranger.

March 11

A blessed day when I get to call parents in Poland. I talk to them roughly twice a month. I miss them soooo much.... Lately I seem to miss everything, almost everything from this time last year.... And that's a foolish thing to say, but sometimes my pain gets so bad, so excruciatingly bad, like my heart is going to split open, that I begin to travel back in my mind where at least some things were sweet.

The pain of realizing I'm forced to leave my husband was blinding, depression had a big hold on me, but! My family was close to me. We had our times, perhaps all of us regretting them now as we miss each other, but they were there for me, and only 30 minutes away. And anytime phonecall away. And I had Jennifer, my dear psychologist. How much I miss seeing her... Sessions with her always put my head straight. I need this so very much, as sometimes I do feel like hitting my head on the pavement out of sheer heartache and misery, but not having a steady income I simply can't afford a psychologist. And... Yes, and I had a dear friend, dear friend, precious Big Brother who cared for me, who actually had an interest in being a close friend. That's what it seemed like then... sometimes I think he was only pretending, playing games because they were fun, using me for his amusement... I don't know anymore. But he was there for me. Like the most truest friend would, like a soulmate. And now he's gone. The change feels so drastic it seems like he hates me now. Like he despises my name and anything that has to do with me, can't stand my sight.... Of Lord I feel so rejected!!!!! Again!!!!!! Back to back my life became a chain of miseries. So unwanted, used, played with, so rejected..... And lied to.

I so long to be able to pick a day from the past and live it over and over again. In oblivion, and total ignorance of reality. A happy day, when I didn't have to be too concerned with how will I pay my bills, when my family was with me and when Big Brother would speak caring and comforting words to me, call my psychologist to see how I'm doing and sing-song voice messages, which I'd listed to over and over again.

Just the sound of his voice was like a music. His caring brown eyes would stare at me from the pictures, his beautiful smile warmed my heart and I knew that he'd always be willing to give me a long, holding hug anytime I'd need one. I can't go on longer, hurts too much.

I trusted him. I trusted him so much, believed his words so much that I drove across the states to be close to my bestest friend. Who then, right then chose to hurt me with all he got!

Oh such pain which only Jesus can soothe. The constant sobbing of my heart, sometimes I cannot stand it. No close family. No job. A room in a dirty house. No psychologist. Depressed. Alone. Lonely. Hurt. Heartbroken. Feeling rejected and unwanted. Feeling ugly again. Only thanks to Jesus I can stand up, though I'd much rather be kneeling and crying my heart out to Him. Which I do daily, I've never thought one can produce so many tears. Thought that my suffering was finished and recovery has started. No, Big Brother decided to add to my suffering and my tears. Pretending to care he got me in his male trap. I'm so undone.... Jesus save me, please I beg for mercy... I prayed sooo much. And God was faithful! He removed a lot of this pain, as I asked. But He didn't remove the deep care I have still for Big Brother, as I also asked.

Left a nice job, and moved across the continent. Got hurt beyond deeply but still cares. What is that? Where is logic and where is sense of it? God please save me from another heartache... I simply can't take one more. I'm already in pieces!!!!!

March 2 - anniversary gift from God

Today marks my 15 years in the US.  I remember it like yesterday, coming to a new country, everything different and strange, even the air smelled different and the sky seemed a lot lower.... an incredible adventure to an innocent and ignorant 18 year old girl.  Wow.  And so much happened in this time, so much!  My life was thrown up-side-down and twisted inside-out, shaken to the core a thousand times and sent on a rollercoaster that doesn't seem to want to end...  And like Danny said today in his health lecture, I'm clunged to Jesus and I'm hanging on during the ride, because that's the only thing I have left.  And wherever that rollercoaster takes me, as long as I'm holding on to Jesus... well, I'll go there.  And it did take me through dark and scary forests, through deep, salty tear filled oceans, through aches and pains, slaps in the face, rugs pulled from under my feet, dissapointments, hearaches, and everything else...  But God is good.


God is so good He gave me an anniversary gift.  A beautiful day, filled with what I love most.  He knows what I need.  I had a breakdown last weekend.  I just couldn't live anymore, couldn't carry my pain, and my sufferings anymore... I just dropped almost dead and cried and cried and told God what I really think and feel.  I broke.  Flat on my face.  Again.  And I couldn't pull myself up, I cried to God and He began to pull me up.  Slowly but consistently.  I thought I lost hope and faith completely, but no, I just needed to trust Him like a child, all anew.  And two days ago I felt actually somewhat happy.  Yesterday I woke up happy and optimistic, and full of hope - something I haven't felt in a long time.  It felt good.  I went for a run. 

Today I ran the camera again for sac central and I absolutely loved it! Every time! Then I got introduced to somebody who's a guitar teacher at the central church.  I've been looking for a Christian teacher for a while.  And Jim, a dear friend of mine got baptized today - praise God! So happy!!! I went to find him to give him a congratulation hug and found him with a group of people, including Henry, his son Adam and his wife.  Lovely. :)  Half hour later I drove to Southgate church for Danny's lecture.  I almost didn't go... I thought Big Brother wouldn't be there, but last night I found out he will, and I wasn't sure if I should go... but the Holy Spirit's been telling me I needed to go, plus I knew I needed to hear the message.  I just knew I needed it.  I invited 6 people to go with me, but (sadly that only one person) only Olivia said she'll come, and she did.  She's like my sister, maybe I should adopt her :)  I'd now have Little Sister, Big Brother and a Twin Sister - twin, because she's so like me in many aspects. :)  Incredible.

Had some hard time before the lecture, I so wanted to be friendly and let go, which I did, but once you're put on the spot, it's hard.  So I beamed more pain than happines and friendship.  And that didn't help at all... Charmaine was so precious. she sat with me and Olivia and we got to chat a bit.  And Danny's lectures were such a blessing, exactly what I needed to hear!  The guy next to me was sniffling twice to the point that Olivia went to get him some tissue, hahaha!  But at times I had to bow my head and let the tears flow because it was as if he was talking to me. About me.  And on our way out Danny did say 'I was watching you, and looking out for you'.  I know he was.  I saw him.  He knows.  But it was so healing.  I needed to hear all that.

And God made a miracle.  In me.  I wasn't angry or upset or hurting.  I was able to talk, and open up and be honest yet guarded and share for the first time in... maaan, long months!!!! That was something new, and I was grateful that I didn't want to beat up Big Brother or rip his eyes out... not from hatered, never, but from the contorted and wrenched up and caring emotions inside.  I was grateful for what God gave me that day, that moment.  I embraced it with thanksgiving, leaving all to Him.  He knows. 


I was happy.  Spend time with Christ loving people. met so many new people too.... it still amazes me how God changed me from this incredibly shy and timid girl to someone loving people so much that I go out and talk to strangers, become friends and connect with so many of them, and people come to me... they come to me, they want to be friends, they open up, they share...  God's love is bottomless!  And that's marvelous! And health oriented!  We ended up talking to the sniffling guy next to us for nearly an hour after the last lecture, about health of course.  And then I got to chat with Big Brother, and then a bit with Charmaine too....  And did I mentioned camera in the morning?  :) :)  Such lovely day deserved to be topped with with a great vegan dinner and a lovely girl talk, so Olivia picked the Sugar Plum. 

I got a taste of fulfilling happiness, oh, I haven't felt that in ages.  Praise God for today, and for His incredible emotional healing.  Praise God for His gifts today.  Praise God for His health message, for me, a still very broken and hurting but mending soul.  Praise God for the beautiful people He puts on my path.  Praise God for my friends and their love and compassion and understanding.  And their support.   And praise God for this incredibly warm weather!  Nowhere in PA I'd see blooming trees and flowers in February! :D       

Feb 25 - the newness of everything

The days are getting sunnier and warmer, flowers and trees are beginning to bloom and it really feels like spring.  To me, it's hard to believe it's only February.  Unthinkable, back in PA. 

I've been getting into habit of analyzing my screwed up life, and only now I realized the newness of everything in my life... I mean, I left everything I knew behind, everything familiar.  I have no family nearby at all.  New place.  New people all around.  New state, new city, new places, churches, stores, new temp job... new activities.. I'm an organizer for now a 100 members photo club, I organize shoots with models and when we get together for a shoot, all the big, professional photogs look up to me as the 'head of the group'.  I have a new guitar... I haven't played Martin in so long, I miss him.. I'm learning a new language.  I'm lifting weights regularly and I'm working my abs with a program designed for men.  I have CS6 now and a whole new way of editing pictures.  I'm looking to market my photographs to publishers.  I have ideas on how to use my photography for the Lord.  All is new. 

But the pain is still the same.  Pain of rejection, pain of being unwanted, played with and tossed away, used, almost... emotionally raped.  All this is wrecking havoc in me.  And despite all this mess I'm in, the care and love is still there.  How weird.  That hasn't changed.  How extremaly weird. 

If I could only understand what happened.  If I could only have an honest and open talk.  If I could only tell my feelings.  And give it a chance... That's all I ask. 


But the newness of everything makes for new insecurities and new struggles too. I broke, flat on my face again, few days ago.  Everyone got a piece of my mind, even -or especially God got a piece of my mind.  I just couldn't handle things anymore... too much.  Praising God He's merciful with me, and patient.  So patient and loving.  The things I said.. I don't believe them.  Desperation pushed me, and something broke, and now, like a child I feel like I need to learn how to crawl again.  Learn what is faith, how to trust, so basic and so refining.. God knows what I'm going through, He WILL send help in the right time, maybe I really need to burn myself out on this, totally let go and get scalded, and fall and hit rock bottom and break into tiny pieces... for Him to put me together the way He wants me to be.  Because right now I can't let go, I care too much, I wish oh so much and hope, and pray and long, and...
In essence, I dislike my life.  Actually, I pretty much hate it in its present state.  Emotional state that is.  Because in reality, I'm blessed beyond measure.  It's just - in my brokenness - it's so hard to see it sometimes. 

Feb 19 - ............

My temp job has ended a week and a half ago.  I'm glad... and not.  But Lord will have provision for me, I know that for sure.  He has come through for me in the past, and He will do so again.  So I do not worry about that.

But I do seek a new job, and praying earnestly that God will place me where I can be of use to His cause.  I'm tired of jobs where I feel like I'm wasting time there, contributing nothing to helping people or spreading God's word.  I feel there is no other true meaning to this life anymore, other than the higher purpose of life, which is sharing the good news of Jesus with others, helping them in their troubled lives and being ready for Christ's coming. 

This life, my life has become so ugly I try not to think about it.  From a very happy, somewhat sheltered life I went straight into one of the worst turmoils life can offer... with God's help I walked out of it, so foolishly hoping for happiness again, just to be bitterly dissapointed and hurt again... ah.  Sometimes I do feel like I lost everything... my parents, my brother, my friends, my job I liked, all my posessions, my husband, and my Big Brother to boot.  And that makes for rather battered existance right now.  But I haven't lost hope.  Not yet. 

I long for the happy days when having a baked potatoe would so simply bring happiness into my heart.  Seems like I did not appreciate enough what I had then, when parents were still here, when I wasn't lacking, when I was happy and ignorant of pain.  Although I did appreciate it immensly.  When things seemed so much simpler and easier... And that alone makes me think: should I appreciate this time as well?  This time right now when I am provided with a roof over my head, soft bed, warm room and not lacking in food..?  Will there be a time when I look back and miss my current situation?  I am blessed to talk to my brother every now and then and he did say he noticed satan's attacks triple in strength and intensity in the last few months.  And I must say, I agree with him; I see it all over.  There are few people that I know where in Cali that are honestly and truly longing to follow Jesus and I see their lives turning into tangles of problems.  I wish I could help them, but so often there is so much one can do.  Or is allowed to do, despite the yearning heart. 


Today seemed to cry with me, but sun came out finally and I can't help but think of the immense blessings I receive every day.  I do make new friends, Sunday was joyfully spent at a farm and on trails taking pictures with a friend, and Monday I joyfully dug in friends' garden, seeking flower bulbs and playing with squirmy earth worms.  Today I commenced my language studies, sadly neglected so much that I had to review even the alphabet itself.  Martin's been missing me ever since my hand problems, but I pray for that God helps me with finding a good teacher.  And tonight we'll have another Camera Training at Sacramento Central Church.  I find such abandonment when I'm behind my camera taking pictures, or even more so behind the video camera, where nothing else matters but what you see in the screen.  A different world I like to get lost in for a moment.        

Jan 22 -he was selling and I bought it! :(

I get up only because I have to.  If it wasn't for my job, I'd be spending days in bed.  I still cry.. sometimes... sometimes a lot... mornings and evenings are the toughest... I try not to think.  I try to block any memory we ever shared.  I feel so used.  So played with.  Discarded like a broken toy...  Ugly, unwanted and rejected.  Again. 

Once again I long for understanding and I don't get it. 
He kept running away from talking, I pushed and hunted for him... until I snapped.  It meant so much to me to have it resolved, to understand why, but he was so flippant about it that it made me snap.  And I usually don't snap. 

Oh how it all hurts! All he said and wrote is written in my heart, word for word... I can call him on every word he said to me, every word he texted.... on his promise he made to me.  And he wouldn't release me of mine....  'effort, here I come..'  Bullshit. 


I thank God for Henry.  He's been a real friend, talking some sense into my crying heart, trying hard to make me see the reason... the sunshine.... and checking up on me every few days... I so appreciate that. 
I thank God for Nat.  She's always willing to listen and she's there for me... and is good at distracting me, too.
I thank God incredibly for Nancy, she labored with me for hours upon hours listening to my crying, analyzing with me, giving me hope and incredible support... So grateful!
I thank God for Daniela, who I'm sure knew what was coming, and even then she'd keep my hopes up, till the very death.  And for Linda and ed, who, very simply turns my eyes upon Jesus in every trouble.  And for Sherle and her whole family, who are desperately trying to adopt me, comfort me by having me over and giving me mounds of yummy apples and citruses...  And for many other beautiful people God put on my path...



And... what hurts the most is that... not that he said to me he's suddenly not ready for a serious relationship, but that he was selling one so well, for so long, months of believing, and praying, and hoping, and waiting.... for effing nothing!  He was selling it so perfectly and I bought it... I believed it with all of my heart and bought it with everything I had!

Jan 15

I would have lost heart, unless I had believed
That I would see the goodness of the Lord
In the land of the living.

Wait on the Lord;
Be of good courage,
And He shall strengthen your heart;
Wait, I say, on the Lord!

 

That's Psalm 27:13-14

 

It holds me up, it gives me strength to get up in the morning when all is black and meaningless...  God keeps me busy and He suceeds at keeping me distracted pretty well... but when I drive, when I'm home, or any time I'm alone.... I can't stop the waterfalls and aching sobs... I just can't... not yet...

 

 

This past weekend was pretty busy.  I'd say amazing if I wasn't broken... Spent all Sabbath at the Central Church, hanging out in the media room and watching pastor Doug's sermon on over 15 tv screens..  I wanted to stay for a health lecture that was gonna start at 2pm, but somehow I ended up talking to people, and they sort of... made me... (I'm really gooey right now, no resolution on my own whatsoever) stay for lunch, then for women's ministry meeting.  I had no clue what I was doing there, other than talking to some new faces... I was soo out of it... Then the health lecture prooved to be really basic and boring to me,so I scooted away for the Heritage Singers's concert in the main sanctuary but left after the 5th song... Sherle warned me that they'll be singing new 'worship' style melodies... she was right.  On my way out I was stopped by Sheela and Duayne and they pulled me in to chat and eventually walked me to my car over an hour later... Such lovely people!

 

And on Sunday I hosted my first me-organized photoshoot with models.  My brain wasn't working and somehow I thought it'll all get done by itself... so I left everything at the last minute.  I reality, sometimes I just don't care about anything, but at the last minute I got a reality check and realized I'm responsible and people are counting on me, heartbreake or not, I had to step up and was scrambling up frantically, getting the props ready, the release forms, packing the car, gettting roses, fake snow I made the night before, picking up Paige -one of the models... I almost didn't eat.  But the shoot was fun.  The theme 'it's so cold outside' lived up to its name, we shot till we couldn't feel our fingers anymore.  Then I went to Sacramento co op store to get some food... had nothing in my cupboard for a week.. didn't care.  I still don't care much, but I realize I have to live.... 

 

I don't remember what I did yesterday... I know I was very busy after work, had to go somewhere... oooh, photography lecture by Antonio Genovia that I signed up for in downtown sac.  Came home late and crashed. 

And today after work I had the video camera operator training at Sac Central Church.  The camera felt incredibly natural to me... wish I had more time to play with it.  Really enjoyed the experience, and even 'modeled' for the other students up on stage, so that they could learn their zooming and focus...  Gave them few challenges too.  And just came home. 

 

I can't listen to anything, it reminds me of all the past hurts, they're all put together now, everything reminds me of something and everything hurts.  And yet the bare silence almost seems to be splitting my brain in half... I long for a lovely 3 hours of curling up under a blankie and reading.. but I can't focus, I think and cry... Sometimes my brain goes blank and I just sit and stare... and do nothing.  And then I go to bed.  Sometimes I wish I didn't exist for a while...  It reminds me of when I was sick with RA and in pain all the time... only emotional pain seems a lot more painful now.  I'm feeling quite sick and exausted.  Tired of emotions, of feeling anything. 

 

I miss him so much!

 

Yesterday I gave in and had soy hot chocolate from starbucks.  I was texting Henry at that time and while in line, somebody grabs my arm.  Henry was standing in line right behind me!  I wanted to hug him, was so happy to see a friendly face, but I gave him a friendly punch.  Quite strong.  I seem to be doing a lot of things wrong lately... uncontrollably.  I was on break and couldn't talk for long, but we chatted some... Just thought it was an interesting incident... or.. providential meeting?  I dunno... I don't know anything these days... I just exist.  And I'm so tired.  Of life....

Jan 10 - A douchebag!!!!!!

Another man broke my heart... broke promises... broke his words.... broke a soul....  God will avenge him for playing with already broken heart, pretending to mend it and comfort it and then changing his mind on a whim of... don't even know what...  I'll find out.  I will know.  Or... God will heal him of his disfunction... because I still care... as a friend.  We're all God's children, disfunctioned one way or another...

But still! 

Such a DOUCHEBAG!

Life seems so empty now.. and so meaningless.  A shock.  Pain.  Tears.  I died but I'm still living.... Someone please tell me there is life after death...?  Laughter after crying? Trust after hurt? Day after night?


I praise God for a tiny little handful of true friends who are willing to listen to me, bear with me and offer shoulders to cry on... Another lesson in life, another hole to crawl out of... so much harder this time around.  Total surrender to God.  Because I have nothing left of me anymore. 

And God is sooo good... He allowed this to happen because He knew He gave me heart strong enough and hopefully I'll learn from this too...  But in the meanwhile, while waiting for healing to start, I'm done with men because they're all DOUCHEBAGS!

Jan 8

I just ordered two gallons of fake snow... with two day shipping, because I need it by Sunday for the photoshoot.  I hope I get it on time...  that, and my Russian Ushanka hat.  I've been forgetting to do that because I've been so distraught that I couldn't think of anything else...  But I came home and prayed and cried my heart out for hours and God showed mercy to me and gave me some clarity of mind and a fresh glimmer of hope.  Every day I give my life to God.  And I will not give up.  He will deliver!


I'm going to have a busy week.. meetings with my models for wardrobe overview and signing the release forms.... prepping up for my very first photoshoot with models, fully organized by me, I HAVE TO deliver my best to my photogs.  My group counts now over 80 members with new ones joining every few days... 

And I need to mention that God gave me two paid photography jobs already.  I went up an hour north of Redding to visit my dearest Nancy's family that just had a baby to give them a  newborn photoshoot... and they paid me!  I didn't ask for it, it was for my dearest friend, but they chose to pay me.  Incredibly grateful! And this past Sunday I had somebody contact me for a family photoshoot, sort of last minute thing before her in-laws go back to North Carolina, so we went to the Capital Park and took some Capital Pictures! She loves them, and she saw only three... I'm still editing both shoots, because I don't have that much time, and lately, when I get home all I do is cry and pray... more like wail.... but no matter, each time I look at Jesus, He gives me glimmers of Hope!


I haven't been very sane lately.... it gets so hard sometimes... but God is good.  He is truly GOOD!

Jan 8 - :( :( :(

It's going to be 3 months in California soon.  Today was in the 60s and it truly felt like spring was coming.  My reception job is going on second month there, I honestly don't know how long it'll last, and they don't tell me anything.  I'm pretty good at what I do, I can multitask like crazy, do phones, distribute mail, do orders, invoices, checks, balance money at the end of the day, set up appointments and reserve meetings, take in visitors and hunt down sales reps who forget to turn in their sales tags...  Now that I mastered it all, I feel like I need another challenge, another something. 


I"m going to admit it.  It's hard.  Extremaly hard.  And this year is harder than I ever imagined.  I was hoping the new year will be great, but it's horrible, and I feel like I'm in the same spot as I was last year... only this time around is worse: no family for support, no steady income, strange place with no seasoned friends, practically no belongings, nobody special to comfort me and offer heartfelt support.. but the heartache is the same, if not worse... yeah, it's worse.  I'm trying to see the beautiful people and the beautiful wonders of this world, and the amazing places that God put me in... but I can't seem to see much now...  all the little wonders, sometimes I do notice them... like that woodcutter I saw at the post office... or the woman with a bunny sitting outside of starbucks.... or all the pretty palm trees I pass everyday... 


Right now I am where I am.  I have no way of moving either way, I know God provided in miraculous ways for me to get here.  I know that! So I'm right where I'm supposed to be...   but why the heartaches????  Why the rejection?  Again? 

But I do need to live... haven't been eating anything, second day now... fasting, praying, holding onto the last glimmer of hope and faith, begging God for a miracle... I can only pray and see what happens, God wants us to expect great things from Him!        

Jan 4 - a recap

Welcome to the New Year 2013.  I took a break from writing but I'm back.  It's almost 3 months in California, lots has happened.  But sometimes I sit back and marvel, as still can't believe I'm here.  God has led me in most amazing way... And He provided and I know I'm in the right place.  Just.. in transition.  Don't know which way to go, which way to turn... some of it doesn't depend on me...

A recap:

1. God graciously gave me a temp job.  I don't know why there, I don't know why... I'm glad I have a job, it pays the bills and rent, but I'm also glad it's a temp.  In the midst of it all, I learned valuble lessons.  I learned meekness and humbleness... learned how to keep my mouth shut sometimes, even in moments of unjustice.  I learned how to multitask in an organized and cohesive way while keeping the stress at bay.  I became comfortable with handling crazily huge amounts of money... was never able to do that comfortably before.  And God taught me that hard work, effort and intergrity pays off.  At the same time, I don't belong there.  My uncle died an alcoholic.  My other uncle, my aunt and her family, my other aunt and cousins and few people on my dad's side too, they're all broken people with destroyed lives, all because of alcohol.  How, in all honesty can I....  But even Daniel had to work his best in the middle of Babylon.  And that gives me hope.  And God will lead onto the next step in life after this episode.  So much to learn still.

2. Been meeting some amazing people on my journey.  People with incredible stories... Some people just passed me by, some stayed for longer, and yet some came really close and began to care.  My family here is expanding, and there are still sooooo many people to meet!  Some families even try to adopt me, for which I'm beyond grateful! I love them all! And it's not like I try so hard to make connections, they just happen, it's like God is laying out the path for me to walk on, it's like the people just come to me and friend me... it's been amazing and oh how much I'd like to open my heart to them.  Few people got to know me beyond deep and I'm so glad I have someone's shoulder to cry on.... been doing that a lot lately. 

3. Photography has been an adventure.  I have started my own photography club here in Sacramento, with now over 80 members and my first themed photoshoot with models coming up soon.  Again, met some incredible photographers, beautiful models and it's only the beginning.  With a number of photography projects in sight...  Praying hard for my music now.. God gave me an AMAZING guitar, ah, the sound is beyond anything, so deep and sensual, utterly beautiful, but I need help; can't go any further on my own, so I've been praying for a guitar teacher.  The right one will happen according to God's will.  Though my fingers are still like butter -fingers, hahaha!

4. I have learned how to forgive.  TRULY forgive.  It was a hard lesson that followed after two weeks long depression... I came to a point of such intense anger and pain that I couldn't deal with reality anymore, couldn't handle my life the way it was.  And the lesson came, and I learned how God forgives, to the point of forgetting, as if nothing happened before, just letting go and starting afresh... it was hard, but very possible.  I learned patience.  I learned - and still learning - how to deal with pain and broken heart, how to give my hurts and griefs to God, every day afresh. 


------------------

So new year happened, first time in my whole life I spent it on my own, alone, in a strange, far away place... But it'll be a good year.  Time to become an adult, time to end all childish charades and time to chose a path to follow.  Time to go after what you truly believe in, having faith in God that He will open the right door in His right time. 

-------------------


I fasted a day and a half.  And prayed so incredibly much.  I think I need to fast every Sabbath - what amazing clarity of mind! In fact, I feel my body to be just beyond disgusting and most food plain nasty... I don't know what's wrong with me here, but I feel I need to spend at least one week on just water... I just hear that calling to do that... which I don't really understand yet.  But today I needed answers to my heartaches.  And closer connection with God.  As usual I spent the morning in the media room watching the whole media crew doing all that they do there (fascinating, I really love the switcher!).  There was a potluck but I hang around talking to some people and then spent time in the dark sanctuary of Sac Central just to pray and meditate... and somebody came and began playing piano, the most amazing hymns ever... and the skin under my eyes burned, because it's known tears so much before.  The Upper Room Bible study was beyond amazing!  Again, I met so many incredible people, made connections and friends and we studied the Bible for nearly 3 hours! And even after that they wouldn't let me go for over an hour :) 

I'm having a family photoshoot tomorrow in center city.  Then meeting up with a friend, hopefully, and I'm hoping to talk some things out as well, then meeting with one of my models for wardrobe and release signing, hopefully making it home for Skype Bible study with Pete.... editing pictures...  I so long to go back to running.  Stress been taking a toll on me so much... I can't begin to be healthy until my heart finds peace. 



I may be a little melodramatic now, where is your happiness Anya, I know, but I've been going through some serious heartaches and I need closure on things.  To know if I can begin to grieve in peace or if my hope and care can beging to grow...  So confused now.  And sleepy! :)  Good night till a better day! :)
 

Nov 21 :(

I think I've reached a breaking point.  In everything!

I don't know anymore, I don't know what to do and how to get a job anymore.  I feel stupid and helpless.  I feel like I'm one big nothing, and no matter what I do, it just doesn't work.  I can spend hours, and I'm still back where I started.  Nothing seems to work.  I may really end up under a bridge.  Don't visit me there, I'll be too embarassed. 


I pray for Divine Patience each time I enter the kitchen here.  This man tops everything I've ever seen, he even tops some of my college roomies, and that's something. 


I think I had forgiveness issues.  For Big Brother.  Because, as I searched my heart and asked God to show me, all the anger and frustrations have dissapeared.  Replaced by measured and controlled wisdom, understanding and yet not foolishness.  Finally, principles took over.  Total emotional detachment. 

Indifference, whateverness.  No, not that.  Never that.  


Stiff fingers, either from post RA trauma or from cold.  Who can help me get up at 7am? I can't seem to be able to pour freezing water on my own face... I forgot my laudry again, it's in the washer.  Again.  I'm going mad!

Something's gotta give, or I'll start punching walls soon. 
Need to stay sane, at least tomorrow.  Going to Thanksgiving dinner at Lesya's.  Something lovely to look forward to.  :)

Nov 19

Many wonderful things happened today :)  It's always a good day when you start it with Jesus :) 

1. I got an e-mail from someone from Amazing Facts, saying that I can meet with them to see what I'd like to volunteer with.  Yeay, we'll see what happens with that - can't be too happy yet. 

2. Got another e-mail from that dude about the dining set.  He wants to buy it :)  Yeay!!!  He'll pick it up at Pete's early December for his new house.  I can't believe how much this is going to help me!!! But it makes me think as well... firstly, I'm a bit overwhelmed at the amount of money God sent my way, just to provide for my move and overall... all together I could almost buy another new Toyota Yaris with it.. wow!!! God is sooo good.  And now, as I'm on a verge of running out of money He sends another couple of thousands my way...  But does that mean that I'll be without a job for another while????  I'm nobody to say how God works, but I know that He provides, one way or another, if not with a job, then with money, He said I won't go hungry... and I know sometimes I think more about photography, music, art and everything else more than about getting  a job, but I'm really really really trying... the search itself, the cover letters, the descriptions and demands, they all overwhelm me sometimes... And lately, as I pray, I got into just wondering and asking what's the purpose of it all, what's going on, what's the reason that I'm still unemployed, it's a journely alright but do I need to do something? Do I need to search my heart? Do I need to change something about myself, or be somewhere before I get a job, meet someone... all these things just run through my head, and I ask for answers, but it's not the answers God wants to give me, but more faith, and patience, and submitting to His will at His time. 

3. I went to Job One again and signed up for one on one coaching.  I was most displeased with it!  It's a church ran ministry, and they give you the option to volunteer there if you'd like.  Each Monday morning starts with 15-20 minutes devotions, one person leading it for about 30-50 people, so I said I'd like to do a devotions too, and they weren't too keen on letting me.  Hmmm... that's one thing.  Back to the coaching, I had ten thousand questions and needed some real time professional advice (because I really am pretty lost at this job search thing, I mean, I feel like I don't even know what I'm doing anymore...).  So this woman, she clearly didn't even know how to listen.  I ask a question on which orientation I put on my card and she goes off on where I can get them.  I know where I can get them, I can make them myself if I want to... or I ask which direction I should go because I have so many interests, and she goes off on about how interesting my life's journey is... I mean really!  And then she starts on religion, how I really should do devotions, and trust God... all is well, but she never even asked if I'm a Christian, I may have been a buddist or a muslim, I told her I do read my Bible and do my devotions but she wouldn't listen and started shoving me one of the mainstream protestant devotions that I really don't care about.  At the end I just gave up on getting any professional help, thanked her and took that wretched book.  Maybe next time I see her I can give her one of my devotions, and we'll be square :)   --------------> actually no. 3 is not one of the wonderful things that happened today...

4. But I got a brainwave today and I'm pretty excited about it.  The organizer for one of my photography groups stepped down and the whole group will dissolve if somebody doesn't step up as an organizer and a leader.  So I realllllllyyyyyy got a brainwave!!!! :)  But I know nothing about booking models, make up artists and contacting venues.  So I sent e-mails to few people, leaders of other photo groups, as well as that former one that stepped down.  I think nobody wants to share their secrets because nobody replied, except the one that just left.  So I started learning how to do things.  I love organizing, I've organized church events before and I really enjoy making things happen.  And I have so many ideas for shoots!!! Maaaan!!!  I was to do a b/w one, a winter wonderland, one all about health (with all the fruits, veggies and greens to model with, man, fun!), woodland warriors one, cowgirl extravaganza (already am friends with one model who has access to horses!!) and whatever else my brain comes up with... We can do day trips to Tahoe, and shoots by the ocean.. once I learn a bit of California that is.  It isn't all that fun traveling by yourself...  Anyway, I'm still thinking about it, and apparently one can make a tiny bit of money off it too.  I gotta sleep on it. 


I'm still struggling with Martin, must be doing something wrong cuz the pain now goes up my whole arm and can't do much after a whle.  My hand runs a bit smoother nonetheless.  I'm sick of pain!

Nov 18

Went running :)  Legs screamed in protest the first lap, but it felt good.  I ran with music today and most of the run I watched an amazing movie of me playing guitar and banjo in a great country band, doing a gig in sac.  :)  I even sang one song!


Easy, quiet day, was gonna go to the fish hatchery but it looked rainy... played with Martin today, maaaan, my hand joints hurt and my pinky gets stuck and just won't bend.  It's an uphill battle now but I'll get there.  I'll beat my fingers into submission if I have to!
I lifted, I searched and applied to jobs, talked with Pete - the dude came to see the dining set and likes it.  Wants to buy it but of course, wants me to lower the price because there are few nicks here and there.  I prayed about the price and decided to drop it 300 for him as my final asking price.  If he takes that, maaaan, it'll help me financially so much!  My resources here are dwindling fast, and with no job right now it'll help me out for next two months, if, IF I live pretty tightly. 


I still can't get over avocados... I devour them, my body craves them... and the co op store in sac has them  - organic mind you - for 79 cents a piece!  Ha, compare that to 1.50 a piece for conventionally grown, in PA.  :)  For that alone I love California!!! :)


I think my patience cup with Dick and this place is filling up.  And yet I know, I know that I'm here for a reason! Could it be Rolan???  He said he'll call me back this week.  It was nothing short of miracle how I got this place, and yet..... the house is almost always cold! COLD!!! My room has no heating.  My room is tiny, pretty awkward too.. but I do have a bed to sleep on, a ghetto desk and a chair, aaand a dresser, and Dick made me a closet before I came...  but the house is always, ALWAYS filthy!!!!  If I don't hit the vacum, nobody ever vacums.  There are leaves from outside on the floor.  When Dick drops something, he never bothers to pick it up.  There are receipt under the table from two weeks ago.  His disgusting dirty frying pan sits there for nearly a week... It seems it's only me that sweeps and washes the kitchen floor because nobody else will do it, my roomies refuse to be Dicks house cleaners, which I understand, but Dick thinks that because he rents to women, they'll take care of the inside of the house (like his wife used to I'm sure!!) and he'll do the outside.  Problem is he does neither.  Sometimes we lose electricty, last time it was because he didn't pay on time.  Kim had to lend him the money to pay.  I'm too disgusted to touch anything in the kitchen unless I wipe it clean first.  Dick will cut meat right on the counter and leave the disgusting bits just lying around for days!!!! We all have to clean up after him.  He eats other people's food without asking, and then gets upset that we actually did mind it! He won't buy any paper towels but uses mine if I leave it standing, he wipes his sweaty face in kitchen towels and leaves it for others to use (yuck!), only me and Kim clean the stove top, and the fridge stinks, no matter if I clean it or not!!!!  Ayayay!!!!! One time I took out my glass dish to bake potatoes in it, and Dick dripped his wine all over it and left it like that, not bothering to clean up... :(  His living room is filthy again, but I won't clean it up for him again.  Nobody goes there but him.  But I'm glad for the washer and dryer.  And the fact that I can wash and vacum my car anytime I want...

What to do?  For now I'm here, God provides, I have bed, roof over my head, clothes and food, working car with gas in it, internet (mostly!) and phone, my Cannon, Martin, my books, somehow I still pay my bills.. I'm not in pain.  I can go running.  God is good!  Can't really complain :)

Nov 17

How is it 17th already???  I don't get it, where did it all go?

I had a lovely Sabbath.  Went to Central church and Jim kept me company, so nice of him! The person I was going to talk to wasn't there, but I got a contact info, and aparently they know about me already.  :)  Got home little late, around 2pm actually because I we were talking, and I wanted to make the afternoon concert.  Tough, because when I was making my green wrap, Irina, my other roomie came and started spilling her love problems again :)  So we talked and she asked about mine, she knows my story and where I am right now, maaaan, it's not easy being a girl in these messed up times! 
Of course I was late for the concert, but on my way in I met Jim again, and he was so kind, showed me around, decided to stick around for the concert and we got to talk more afterwards.  This is it, I'm happiest when I'm in good, positive and fun people's company.  Dear God, I want to meet half Californiaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 


I sound like some socially deprived case.... LOL! :)


Anyway, I've been in touch with this guy who wants to come and look at the dining set (and possibly buy it) but by now I think he's upset with me.  It's hard to keep in touch with these time zones, I get home too late to call him and he keeps calling in the wrongest times! And I've got to communicate with my brother, who actually holds the set for me.  It's been one big of a mess,I hope I can pull it off. 



And I'm double back on my knees: my parents are being attacked by satan left and right, constant struggles and problems they're been encountering... and now this!  Dad was gonna have a sermon on the end times and secret societies in Lidzbark Warmninski, but so happened that yesterday somebody asked him to help him chop some wood.  I don't know why dad ended up on a ladder, but he fell off it and broke his leg. Rigth before that very Sabbath that he was gonna preach.  On top of that, they were going from town to town and nobody would help dad!  So sad, but that's idiotic Polish reality.  Praise God they finally found some hospital and dad will have a surgery on monday.  But now come to think on it, what if satan was trying to actually really really injure dad, and heavenly angels softened the fall so that only  a leg was broken?  I praise God it was only  a leg!!!!!!  And Pete (who I got the info from, I can't call parents anymore, no money... ) said dad will preach the sermon anyway :)  Truly praise God!


I really want to talk to someone... to unload my frustration.  I see it, and it scares me a bit, because the unresolved past keeps killing anything good that I may/may have or could/could have ever have/had for Big Brother. And it keeps going away and away, little by little.... Like a plant, unwatered, uncultivated, left alone and unattended it starts withering away.  I've been reading Christ's Object Lessons and two days ago I came to a chapter on forgiveness.  Is that my issue?  Maybe I just am not able to forgive?  And this hurts everything, including the job.  Jesus never asked for 'I'm sorry', He forgave.  I just don't know where I am with that, but I can't get rid of the hurt, it never left, and not it turns to anger.  So I've been praying, for help with that, God taught me how to push it away, but sometimes it comes back.  But even pushed away, it never leaves.  It craves resolution, explanation, understanding, closure.  And only one person in the world can give it.   

Nov 16

Being a single girl in a new state, and without family around sure ain't easy.  But when I look at where I've been, and what I went through, the pain and literal hell on earth, and how God brought me through it, and then how He provided, took care of and lead me all the way here, when I think of all I went through this year I know that God will keep on leading me on.  He won't leave me nor forsake me.  He'll provide.  And He'll give me strength to keep on going.  No matter how hard it gets.


I had a job offer.  Full time and pretty decent pay for starters.  But they required me to work Friday nights, and that's God's Sabbath, from Friday sundown to Saturday sundown.  I can't break God's commandments.  They asked me to 'rethink' the Sabbath, but I can't break God's commandments.  Period.  God's been too good to me to disobey.  And that's not even a reason.  So I'm back to square one, still looking for a job.  I don't regret the decision, I never would!!!  Just the other day I was reading The Ministry of Healing, and it said that God has thousands of ways to provide for us, of which we know nothing!!!  But sometimes He waits, so that His will be done and He'll be glorified.  That gave much such courage, and increased my faith in God, knowing that in His time, He'll place me right where I belong.  He knows my heart more than I know it myself.  And that's beautiful!


Been playing with Martin a lot, to the poin that I had to stop.  My fingers were ready to blister.  But I'll pick him up tomorrow.  My tuner and strap finally came so I could tune him more properly.  Wish he could talk.  I miss talking with Jennifer, so very much, it always used to put my head straight.  The moment I get a job, I'll set up an appointment with her!!!!  But now I don't even have anybody to talk to, and I mean anybody to unload about Big Brother.  And job issues.  I talk to Jesus a lot :) I like it so much!!!! But I still wish Martin would talk.  Or at least listen with understanding. :)

I am slowly making new, beautiful friends here.  God knew what He was doing by putting them on my path, Linda and Ed especially, they're like family to me! But I'm hungry for more!!!!  :):):)  And I want to eat now!!! :D  I'm excited about tomorrow, I wonder what will happen.  I want to wiggle my way into the media ministry in central, I want to be behind a camera so badly!!!!  Last time I was there I had hard time concentrating, was watching this girl behind the jib arm all the time, couldn't stop.  It's like a whole new world there, moving pictures, something so beyond me, fascinating!!!  It almost eats me up!  :)


This past Monday I went to Job One, a career services ran by some church; Big Mama told me about it about two weeks ago, and I so wish I went two weeks ago.  It was sooooo good!  From 8:30 till 4pm non stop something's going on, from classes, sessions, comp learning, mock interview practices, one on one training, resume workshops... incredible!  I met so many lovely people...!!!  First half day was orientation for new members (I had to pay one time fee for the materials and handouts) and then after lunch I went to an amazing skill assesment seminar.  Really really incredible!!!!!  And it was all hands on, we were doing the work and activities in small groups (with total strangers that are like you, looking for a job, but friends very soon!!!), the instructor had little to do, LOL :)  I've learned so much!  Now I understand why my resume sending out doesn't really work.  I understood how networking is the key to getting a job and how to find those hidden jobs.  And I got an insight that in reality, there are many many jobs out there, just the process of looking for a job has changed dramatically over the last few years, mainly due to the economy.  I still don't know exacly how to go about getting a job, buuuut!  All in God's hands; and in the meanwhile, I'll be back to Job One this Monday - it happens every Monday, alwasy with different activities.  I'm so grateful that Big Mama told me about it!!!!!!


Big Brother.  I had to make some decisions.  I read this amazing book 'Boundaries' (ironically suggested to by Big Brother, but I can see how it can help him big time - knowing that little bit of his personality) and suddenly I began to understand something.  Something, that I believe will help me tremendously.  It may not help with the hurt I still feel - that's where talking to a friend steps in, and eventually, clearning it out.  But I realized how I made a huuuuuuge mistake by allowing myself to see and talk to him.  Even in such innocent situations as going down to BV.  So.  I was left heartbroken.  Anybody would.  I hurt and couldn't deal with it.  Pain.  But all he did was to give me a list of reasons (excuses) on why he acted that way and that's it.  And from then on went acting as if nothing happened.  Now.  This is unacceptable.  There are consequences to every action.  How will he learn that that was beyond hurtful and immature?  Especially if I feed into it, fueled by my own desires and feelings?  I kicked him out of my FB friends.  Right now, he does not deserve to be there.  He doesn't deserve to see me, whether he has any feelings left or not.  I made a resolution to not go down to BV for the next graduation (oooh, how much I want to do that though, for the testimonies... ayayayay!!!!) either.  He will not see me until he clears out the old rubbish lying around.  He needs to understand what he did and why it was hurtful, and understand to not do this again, to any other girl that may come his way, and to tell me, straight in my face, with understanding that he's sorry.  Because he never even bothered to apologize.  And I want a clearance on where he is right now, so I can move on.  Left or right, but move on. 

Good plan! :)     


EDIT: Ooooooooh, one more thing!!!!!!!!!!! All the sucking up he does, makes me sick! I don't care if he comments on other people's posts, but such sucking up to that actress-wanna-be-or-whatever-she-is-who-cares with his pathetic 'hugs' and 'beautiful hearts'.... he can go and have her heart if it's so beautiful, wanking after another pretty face, repeating same broken phrases to her!!!!!! I can see it, like a dog with a waggin' tail between his legs, makes me soooooo sick!!!!!!!! Such MALE! Does he bother comment on any of my pics?  No, not even 'that's ugly' or whatever, but hankering after almost every one of her posts and pics.  I think I'm gonna puke, right on my laptop all over his and her face!  If her heart is so beautiful let him go after that bleached blonde %#$&#$! but there is nothing for him to look after here.  Not anymore!  And if he does, I'll gladly double crack his nuts for being such insufferable nuthead!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

There!!!!!! I had ny say!