Oct 20 :(

Forget it.  I'm done.  I feel so low I can crawl and nobody would even notice.  I am so miserable.... :(


My running adventures are over and everything started going downhill from there.  It turned out that I've been winging it all the time.  The Folsom Lake park is PAID, paid, not free, madness, I was so shocked you gonna ask me to pay $12 just to go and run there??????  I told the dude at the gate what I think about this idea (in kind words) but when I went to run by the river, they turned it to a park which is paid too!!!  And all this time I didn't know, but I could have been charged a fee for not having a pass... I was so miserable!  Ok, ok, there is no need for feeling desperate (yes there is!), there is always a way out.  I have two options, well, three.  ONE: I can just go and try to wing it each time trying to find out how lucky I am (the gate rarely has a person, and I have yet to see a ranger driving around).  TWO, I can go back to drawing board and try to find another park, somewhere to run or just embrace the city streets, like I had to do for 4 years in Philadelphia.  THREE, I can start thinking like a true Polish person and find a way around it.  I can already come up with at least two ways I can get around the law and not pay...and still run there... ayayay...    :/


So last night I came home and suddenly everything hit me all at once.  I fell into pieces and splayed out on the floor...  Suddenly I started questioning what am I doing here, who I am and where do I belong... I don't really belong anywhere right now, I'd like to fit somewhere but I don't know where... everything is strange and new, if I'm not strong it would be easy to get overwhelmed.  And who was I, a girl that uprooted everything, EVERYTHING, crossed the states and lives in a tiny, make-shift room in a middle of a place she doesn't know.  And what was I doing here, just vegetating without a job and a place to run... ??????

Running has a lot to do with keeping my head clear and my bearing strong.  It felt like a punch in a sensitive spot when I found out the parks are not free... And all the insecurities came flooding, and I couldn't fall asleep for a long time.  I think it's the bed though, I seem to have hard time falling asleep each night, the mattress is beyond hard, it's like sleeping on the floor again.  I long to have a job so I can get a futon or something soft...

I realized that the cross country trip was the last part of my healing, very important and so much needed.  Symbolic, and freeing of the pain and suffering.  I don't even once go back to my previous life and relationship, I don't miss anything about it, I don't think about the past and reminisce anymore, there is nothing left of it.  Old things are past and everything is new.  



Anyway, today's events didn't help my mood.  I was talking with Big Mama and I was gonna see her in her church, as well as other friend, and at the last moment she said she's not showing up.  And I was already there, I didn't really want to go there, I value reverence  and holiness, I'm an Adventist, not Pentecostal... I don't want to talk about this church.  But I met some lovely people and was pleased I could talk a lot during the Sabbath school, though it was all over the place.  Then I found this other friend and I had a chance to chat with him for a short while.  Once again (how not surprising!!!) he was talking to me about Big Brother.  And I was ready to blow up! I gave him a little too much Polish attitude, I apologized, but I realized that I am soooooooooo angry with Big Brother! I feel like i want to punch hin in a face and that's the only thing that will make me sane again! And if he thinks that's cute, I'll punch again! Man, I became livid!  I went back to my car and I wanted to cry, to scream, to get all my frustrations out and shout it out right in his face, and I was so upset!!!!!!!!!!! I feel like I don't ever want to see him again, even though I know it's a lie!  If I could I'd be banging my head against the wall.  I came home feeling beyond miserable, first for not enjoying the church at all, second being literally pissed.  I stuffed my mouth with some dairy free chocolate and went to sleep for like 2-3 hours, dreaming creepy dreams - what else- about Big Brother.  Sigh! There is no escape.  No way out.  If this continues I'll be seriously considering moving to Alaska and living in the middle of nowehre making friends with bears and eagles.

On the other hand it's interesting how I'm going through some kind of stages here.  First was the bubbly euphoria I was in.  Now I feel lost for not having a place to belong and fit in.  And I can't seem to be able to deal with that, and my anger at Big Brother, I don't understand where it all comes from, I don't even understand what's going on with me exactly, and I don't know how to handle it properly.  So I just surf through it and it makes me insane.  If I understand the whats, the whys I would know what to do about it.  I'm so all over the place... my mind runs back and forth, I can't concentrate, can't focus, I'd sit and do nothing for a long time my mind wandering creating stories and movies until I snap out of it, I feed my anger about creating negative movies, I want to let it out through running and can't, I long to be in somebody's arms and be loved, and yet I feel like kicking in the butt every guy that may ever come my way.  I absolutely don't know what's wrong with me and today only made it worse.  I hope this stage passes soon.